A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I trust my husband and love him dearly, but for some reason some things make me feel...dirty. I know from years of friendship that his type is tiny, blonde, white girls. I'm not tiny, not white, and not blonde. I know I'm attractive and I love myself and I know he loves me. But when I see these girls walk by I can imagine what thoughts are going through his head. Even if he does not look, I feel the urge to cry. Then, if we are watching a movie and it shows any sort of nudity, or even girls in their underwear, I feel disgusting about myself and super objectified. I know these feelings are not normal, and I've tried to "just get over it." Has anyone been in this situation. No one understands. Please help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2010): all you gotta remember is that he's with you...there must be something great about you that hes with you n not with the 'type' he usually goes for/ is attracted to :)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2010): Well firstly, I wouldn't worry about the feelings that you have as being abnormanl, I don't think they are at all. I think a lot of women have experienced jelousy and disscontent when they are aware they are not their partner's 'type,' especially when the man you're with is YOUR type. Thing is, when you look at hollywood actresses, models, and all the rest of it, women are objectified a LOT more than men in the media, it's all around us, women are under a lot more pressure to look good, or fit a certain image, or live up to the 'ideal' that we see so often on television and in magazines. When you mention things like this on sites like this, you sometimes get labled a femenist or a man hater, but I don't care I'm neither of those but I speak my mind. It most definatly is a mans world, and all of the images of perfection we get pumped into our brains daily, from billboards, mags, advertisements for plastic surgery.. women are bound to feel insecure to some extent, I know you're not and you say you are happy with yourself, I'm just raising the point that we are objectified a lot, so it's understandable that you feel low in yourself. I went through a similar thing a while ago, not exactly the same but similar. I found that my boyfriend was looking at pictures of nude women on the internet, and they were always really specific searches, and the women that he looked at were the typical blonde hair fake tan fake breasts skninny waists. I told him I wasn't happy with this and he had to stop or I would leave him. He did, I tried to forget about the many images, but every time I walked down the street and saw a busty blonde i'd think he was thinking sexual thoughts about them, everytime something on tv would come on that featured nudity, if they were the typical images of the busty fake tan blonde, i'd get upset.. and so on. I can totally understand that this kind of thing is effecting you to, and of course you'll get some posts from people saying how insecure you are and that it's your problem, but I think ultimatly, you can't control how something effects you and your emotions. I also felt dirty, I even got to the point were I felt like I was the body to his fantasy and that he used his imagination during sex! Daft it may sound, but these feelings are more common than you think. I knew I was not my boyfriend's type, and I knew that wasn't a big deal it's the love that matters, but it can cause jelousy, upset, and the feeling of feeling physically second best, and I think you just have to try to push that to the back of your mind, you know you're an attractive woman, you know you'd be many men's 'type' perhaps you're not the exact physical type for your partner, but that doesn't mean he doesn't think you're beautiful. I'm not with my boyfriend anymore, not because of what I talked about, just because of differences, but I will admit, I am with someone now and I am his ideal type and it does make you feel more at ease. I've always been quite gothic in style, and my ex was into very conventional looking women, and didn't like the way I dressed etc, and now i'm with someone more like myself, a bit quirky and different, I feel better about myself. I think you just have to try and figure out if being your partners type is a big deal for you. It is for some people, and I don't be thinking what you're feeling is not normal, it is.
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A
female
reader, jvjvjvjv  +, writes (26 June 2010):
I think it's quite normal for women to have moments of total self doubt and an entire lack of self esteem, but if you feel that this is constantly in the background, it might help to speak to someone about it - maybe a doctor can provide some advice in the first instance. However you must always remember that you are not alone in this, most women feel that way at some point, sometimes for extended periods of time, and there is help available. In terms of the relationship with your husband, he IS your husband, he chose to get married with you for who you are, surely he adores you for who you are and for the way you look? If he was constantly pining for a tiny blonde, he would not be married to you, he'd be out looking for a tiny blonde. It's also good that you know that this is his 'fantasy' - he's opened up to you about that, it doesn't necessarily mean he is going to do anything about achieving it, nor is he comparing you to his fantasy. Girls, don't we go "phwooarrr" at David Beckham but actually, we'd much rather be with the adorable mates we have chosen for ourselves, even if they totally went against our initial dreams of a tall dark handsome guy? Be yourself, seek help if you feel is necessary, learn to like yourself, he obviously does, and you deserve to feel good about who you are.
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A
female
reader, EbonyBlossom +, writes (26 June 2010):
 Seems to me that those kind of girls just turned him on. He obviously loves you and fell for you for a lot of reasons than looks alone. Looks aren't something you can base a whole relationship on, and as far as personality goes you're obviously what he wanted. I don't know what you look like and if you're a looker or not, but he loves you and that's the bit that matters.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2010): I absolutely understand and I'm still in your shoes today! I'm younger than you but maybe I can offer some advice... I'm thick, brunette, muscularly built, tan...and when I'm at the beach with my boyfriend, while I'm not "fat" or ugly and I KNOW I'm very attractive, I can't help but stare at those beautiful blondes with their thin, lithe bodies... I imagine what my bf must think and if I catch him even peeking at them, I feel awful about myself. But we shouldn't! Your husband wouldn't be with you if he didn't find you to be the most succulent girl out there for him! That's why he married you! fact is, there ARE virtually no thoughts going through his head! Even if there are, guys admire beautiful women. Only for a split second, if for any time. Haven't you ever paid attention to an attractive guy passing by? It might've not been a sexual urge..but there are different people out there. Beautiful people, skinny people, ugly people. They won't disappear. Keep loving yourself and be sexy for your husband. If he looks at a girl or if you THINK he looks at her (even if in the movies) just know that it'll be over in a split-second and you'll never see her again. But YOU will always be there for him and with him. Good luck and keep loving yourself! I'm sure you're gorgeous!
(PS: tiny, white, blonde girls aren't attractive at all! in my opinion, and in my boyfriend's opinion.)
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2010): I think you justfeel really threatened by other women and it sounds like it could be because you aren't confident, It sounds like your looks not being what you think your husband likes is what's bothering you, just came to that conclusion as it's what you focused on in the other women.Why not get him to see something with a non blonde white non skinny person in it, of the top of my head, beyonce, probably the sexiest woman alive is none of those things you thunk your husband likes.It sounds like your really really paranoid too, you say even when he is not looking at other women you still want to cry! I think maybe you have some self confidence issues. If your husband isn't looking at these women and is looking at you I don't think you have a reason to be upset, he obviously loves YOU
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (26 June 2010):
You need to get some self esteem! You say you love yourself for who you are, but do you really? Why else would you be so bothered about his thoughts when they might not even go into the direction you speak of? You seriously need to cut yourself some slack and remind yourself that this man chose YOU for who YOU are and not some tiny blonde girl. Don't insult his choice by feeling unworthy and making yourself cry over things that probably don't even exist in his mind.
My ex once said that the most perfect woman in his opinion was Adriana Lima. Well, I aint Brazilian, I don't have blue eyes and I don't have a tan. He loved me anyway. (And the reason it ended was because I moved too far away.)
Come on! We rarely end up with our self proclaimed 'ideal type'. I like guys with dark hair. My first bf was a ginger (well Shaun White ginger, not actually red). My second one was blonde. I loved them both. So really, stop fussing because at one point you will sabotage your own relationship.
And then what do you have? Nothing! You'll beat yourself up again and this will just go onto this destructive cycle.
But like the matrix quote: "I can only show you the door. You must walk through it."
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