A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I know this is going to sound petty and ridiculous, and there probably isn't much anyone can advise other than to stop thinking about it, but I just want to vent and get some opinions on this. Why does it sometimes seem like selfish people get everything they want? I didn't used to believe it but it really does seem to me that nice guys finish last (me being one of them). My sister is the main person I am referring to. She does what she wants, when she wants and the hell with anyone else. But she seems to get everything she wants, whereas I make a conscious effort to be nice to everyone and I get nothing back. For example, she cheated on her boyfriend of 7 years with one of his friends, left him for this guy and is now happily living with him after almost a year. They are very well off, have a large circle of friends (all on his side) and a good social life. I however lost most of my friends when she left her ex (we were in the same circle as there is only a year between us) as they were bad mouthing her every chance they got and I didn't like it (I didn't blame them but I wouldn't just sit there while everyone slags off my family). They stopped inviting me out after he got a new girlfriend and she thought it would be awkward having the exes sister there. So I have been out trying to build new friendships and sort my social life out, but today I overheard my sister calling me weird because I don't go out much these days. She also commented on my relationship and how messed up it is (me and my bf have been having some issues but we are sorting them privately). I seriously just feel so betrayed and mad at her. How can she treat people so badly and have everything go her way when I have done nothing but treat people well and I'm the one in by myself with no friends, a struggling relationship and a sister who acts like she is 'the winner'. She even commented on how I have put weight on recently whereas she is doing a paleo type diet so is looking good right now. Should I just start being selfish and looking after number one? Oh and sorry if this is coming across as a bit of a pity party but I am just mad at the injustice of it all!
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 March 2013):
 I guess it depends on how you define success, and the price you are willing to pay for it. Selfish people may be more successful in certain areas and less in others. Your sister for instance is having success in her romantic life, but was not successful in securing a loving, intimate, affectionate connection with her sister :).
I think that selfish people get what they want because they are able to put themselves at the center of their universe. They do it maybe in a twisted, excessive way, but per se it's not at all a bad quality to have. I think one can, in fact should ,be reasonably nice AND always remember her own value and importance, assert her wants and needs, and make sure they are respected. I think one could, in fact, SHOULD strive for a balance between being a ruthless cutthroat and someone who gets walked over or taken for granted. I think one can be a person who has her own interest and happiness always present in mind, without having to leave a large number of casualties in their wake.
As for the instance of your circle of friends, yes, I understand your disappointment, and the difficulty of building up a new social circle, but, honestly, what would you have wanted your sister to do ? Was she supposed to give up to her love interest, just in case the new girlfriend of her ex could have been squeamish at the idea of meeting her past rival's sister ? how was she supposed to know, she should have owned a crystal ball.
And anyway, you handled the situation your way, fine, but that's not the only possible way. Other girls would have STAYED in the circle of friends, reasoning that " Am I my brother's keeper ? " etc. - you really have no fault for your sister's antics ! Or, even , they would have befriended the new girl, explaining her that there's nothing to feel awkward about, you are your own person and do not have to take any particular side.
It's not your sister's fault if you choose to put a perfect stranger's hypersensitivities over your own best interest.
Moral, if you are a nice person by nature, be nice, you don't have to become "selfish "- but don't ever become SO nice, that you forgot to ALSO be nice to yourself.
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