A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi this is a weird question because its a hypothetical. I think its very strange that before two people get married they are encouraged to have strippers at their bachelor/ bachelorette parties. I've never been to a strip club even though it was recommended to me when I felt down about myself. I'm still a virgin by the way to put things in perspective.I have very clear views about cheating. If she ever cheated on me,I'd break up with her upon finding out. Even if we're 70 and I learn she cheated 40 years ago I would leave her without hesitation for my own self respect.Theres no girl in the picture now, but it would hurt me if my future fiance had a male stripper at her party. I'd be jealous and would see it as cheating since I think "out of your system" means before the relationship starts.I dont intend on having one at mine and will tell a stripper to leave if my friends got me one. I know I might get hate for this viewpoint but is this viewpoint ok? I know some womens friends keep secrets and never reveal them but if I found out she had a stripper I'd call off the wedding and most likely get a divorce if I found out after.
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cheated on me, divorce, fiance, jealous, still a virgin, stripper, wedding Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 May 2016):
 But ARE strippers really such an important part of wedding culture ? I have been to a few hen parties, and none of them , none, included a stripper . Too bad (:,lol.
Anyway, no of course you do not have to be ok with strippers and out of control hen parties. Neither you have to get obsessed and blow thing out of proportions, though.
First, like I said before, if you get a gf on your same wavelength and with your same values, she won't even think of hosting that kind of party, and her friends will know she is not the type to appreciate this kind of antics. Second, she can start way before the wedding reminding her friends how she feels about strippers, ( negatively ) and that she does not want one at her party and would be not amused but in fact very displeased if her friends called one.
Third, if regardless of the bride 's veto her friends bring in a stripper ( at which point, she knows she needs to change friends because hers are selfish and overbearing ! ) she CAN adopt the attitude I suggested, a polite, uninterested neutrality " do your job and be gone ". It may be true that strippers are encouraged to focus on the bride-to-be, but it's up the her . If she does not " bite " , the stripper will back off promptly and turn his attentions to the other girls . No stripper will insist to simulate oral coitus or rub his dick on an unwilling bride's face - no stripper wants to risk a charge for molestation or assault , or just a furious phone call to the agency who sent them. Many of them work by word-of-mouth, they simply can't afford a shocked and disgruntled client.
Fourth and final, there's a very easy way to avoid this problem altogether. Do NOT have a stag and hen party. It's not mandatory. Create your own traditions. Say that you are saving the money for your honeymoon, or that you decided to give it to a charity instead.
Or, if you do not want to pass as a tightwad / disappoint your friends, take matters into your hands and you treat them- call 5 or 7 of your besties to a nice, quiet, elegant dinner in a classy restaurant. Who ever said that all wedding celebrations MUST be loud and lewd ?
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2016): Why isnt there a "different strokes for different folks" line but a I "have to" be ok with it? Why are strippers such an important part of getting married in our culture? I wont judge anyone for having them if no one judged me for not wanting them in any relationship.
I have good reasons to be wary of who I trust based on past interactions I've had. This topic is not a place I'd be able to trust easily at all.
Anyway, I got various different viewpoints for this question. Thank you for all the replies.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2016): A hen-night is more about FUN & enjoying attention: it's the last night of being single, last chance to 'misbehave' - it DOESN'T mean your fiancee is going to take home the stripper! The stories you've heard about drooling brides pulling off G-strings with teeth are probably 'pub talk', it's a night-out, they rarely end in the nightmare scenario you're worried about. There might be a culture of 'slutting it out' a bit but really more as a laugh among friends, I don't think you need to panic.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2016): You worry too much about fairy tales that do not exist, the situation has not happened, the wedding is not booked,you have not got a bride or girlfriend (yet), therefore you have not been cheated on in the past present or future.You have a fear about disloyalty that is understandable but don;t let that fear dominate your whole future.I have been wrapped in clingfilm (against my will) and had cream squirted all over me, and the male stripper licked it off, I did not request plan or particularly enjoy this experience but i had a dam good laugh because i couldn't move my arms to stop it from happening and just shouted watch the dress. It was harmless fun on all sides, nothing to do with deceit. I had a boyfriend at the time and i certainly would not have thought dumping me would have been the correct thing to do. An experience like this would probably do you good and loosen you up a bit, you are a little rigid in your thoughtsand you need to know that you can not CONTROL everything in your life. Best learn it while you are young free and singlerather than hypothetical.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2016): Cindycares, that seems practical. Though, from what I gather the bride is usually the one paid attention to by the stripper. Simulating sex with her, pulling off his g string with her teeth,saying dirth things and a lot of similar stories like that I've read. To me that doesnt sound like a woman that isnt interested in the stripper and cant wait for him to leave. No hate on strippers, and to each their own. What would guarantee that the stripper actually leaves right after a short no contact dance? It's likely there will be lapdances and more. If he's paid for, the girls would probably want him to stay for the full time. Sounds like a good gig. I can't marry someone I cant trust 100% and thinking shes dry humping a stripper or face to face with his dong before the wedding won't really make me want to commit a lifetime to her. It would be worse if she tells me two weeks after the wedding since now the only way out is a divorce.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (26 May 2016):
So the first thing to do before you arrive to the point you discuss / organize a wedding, it would be to make sure that you and your hypothetical gf think along the same lines and adopt the same criteria about cheating .
Yours are rather restrictive, as you mention yourself, not all people think that flirting is cheating, or watching a striptease is cheating, or watching porn is cheating.
But of course there will be women that think and feel like you, you just need to choose one of them, and then your quandary is a moot point. The right kind of girl for you is one who would not think in a million years to have a stripper at her hen party, because she HATES this kind of stuff same as you do and the very idea would make her sick. . But you need to make sure of how she sees things WAY before you get to the hen party stage !
Plus, this is all hypotethical of course , but , just for the sake of argument : Now , this reasoning applies to your friends too, if they know you well they KNOW the last thing you want at your stag party is a stripper so hopefully they would come up with something else more respectful of your tastes.
BUT, you know how it is. People like to have a lark, to pull pranks, boys will be boys etc. And stag parties and hen parties are MORE for he friends' sake than for the groom on bride ( who by that stage are generally dead tired with the preparations and can't wait for it all to be over and done ! ).
So, let's suppose that hypotheticall your friends call a stripper to your party,
You say you would chase her away immediately.
I bet you would not. You would not have the nerve.
And if you did - it would not be a good thing. A bit of a jerk move to do.
Your friends shelled out hard cash for having that stripper there, with the inocent intent to do sonething fun all together, and maybe even of teasing you affectionately and goodnaturedly. It's the intention that counts, and once that the intention was not mean or evil ( which would be strange, considering they are your friends ! ) : noblesse oblige. You don't look a gifted horse in its mouth. This type of thing.
So , the right, classy thing to do would not be to chase away the poor stripper with a scourge and make all your friends feel like shit. The right thing woud be to let her do her number , ( no lap dances, no touching or lewd comments etc ) and as soon as she is done, tip her and send her away .
It would not be your fault that you have briefly seen a stripper performing. It was not your idea, it was not your wish- simply , you are a polite person, and you did not want to make a big scene and mortify your friends.
OK: Now , say that the same happens to your future wife's hen party. She is not the type to like this kind of entertainment, but her maid of honour thought it would be fun and all the gals would love it ( remember, it's not all about you ! It NEVER is ! ) and calls in a male stripper. Your fiancee' too has a choice, whether to be a " principled " but rude, ungrateful b...h and make a scene, or , to let the boy do his thing as quick as possible, and have him leave asap right after. She chooses the second ( as she should , btw ) , but it was not her fault to begin with if the stripper was there, she was not the one who called him ( It's never the groom or bride who organize their bachelor/ bachelorette parties. They get what their friends surpsrise them with ).
Does she get her wedding cancelled any way ? Regardless ? Or if it comes out later on, is she instantly slapped with the divorce application ?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2016): I see so much cheating in the world of relationships on both sides. I know women can be very close friends to each other and keep secrets and I might never know. I would trust my fiance more than other women but why should she be in a situation thats highly likely she'll be encouraged to do more? I don't hold being a virgin to some special status but a fact about me. I dont expect the same but if we were that different in sex lives we probably wouldnt be a good match in values.I can't "wrap people in cotton wool" but let's say there is no image of a hen night that would get out of my head before the wedding and I'd have to postpone the wedding to think, call it off or leave the relationship.I'd expect the same if she saw me watching porn, or doing something similar. I have a very strong expectation of loyalty from a partner. Some people dont find fault with their partner flirting with others but it would bother me. Some think kissing isnt cheating or emotional cheating isnt cheating but to me it is. Some people on this site advise to avoid telling their partner about cheating and just put it in the past and that sounds like treason in my head. If I heard that I was cheated on 30 years ago, I would leave and think to myself that I wasted 30 years being a good partner to someone who didnt deserve it and would ask for 30 years of compensation.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (25 May 2016):
 I don't think they need to have a stripper, I think what happens is whoever is organizing it will do it for a laugh. I think it is meant as harmless and fun. It depends the type of girl you will end up with, she might see the same view as you, or she might not. The thing is though finishing a relationship over someone looking at a stripper is borderline controlling behavior. Your partner is free to do as she pleases. I hate cheating, but having a laugh with some friends while watching a stripper is not harmless.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2016): Respect for your opinion ,I think it's a nice way to view relationships and a sensible way whether this sensibility is durable in 'real time' is another matter. We are all different characters and some look at their world with great severity while others look in a shallow pool sometimes. You are a virgin and this is special and sacred TO YOU (not me) and you probably expect the same from your Hypothetical wife. A marriage that has a stripper the night before or chippendale fireman does not or should not change the REAL LOVE that exists between people. It's deceit that is distasteful and can change the game. You get fun people and serious people, respect belongs to both, your way is not particularly the right way nor is theirs...we just are all different and you should attract like minded people, if you don't want strippers have you ever considered being one ? JOKE!!!!!!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2016): Don't overthink the whole principle. If you were planning on giving up ice cream cones for a whole summer then you might have the urge to eat a nice good one on the last day before the summer starts.
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (25 May 2016):
I've asked myself the same question whenever this comes up. If you are so attracted to your mate that you want to marry him or her, why do you need a stripper? Honeypie is right...it supposedly marks the time in a persons life when they have just one more chance to be naughty before settling down. Also, I think it is more for the benefit of his/her friends than for the person getting married.
Personally, I'm with you....I would avoid any last-moment party that didn't include my fiance. The whole stripper thing is a show of disrespect for him or her and smacks of immaturity. I avoid such events as I don't like being bored at an event where everyone is expected to have fun.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2016): While I think divorcing someone because they had a stripper hen night is a bit ott, I am dead against cheating and although I wouldn't have a problem with my boyf going to a strip club for a laugh with his mates on the stag night,I do think for alot of people it encourages trouble, but hey, better to find out in my opinion. I want to know I can trust them in any situation. My boyf has made it clear that he hates this type of thing and wouldn't want it and wouldn't want me to do it either. However if my mates sprung it on me as a joke I wouldn't expect my boyf to dump me over it. Equally if the same thing happened to him I wouldn't be ditching him. Not everyone is going to cheat on you or run off with the stripper. You can't wrap people in cotton wool and try to avoid them being in situations where they might cheat. They need to make the desision not to have sex with someone else who isnt you. stripper or no stripper.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 May 2016):
 I don't get it either. But I can guess.
IT's all about getting the last little bit of "naughty" in before matrimony. Some people think that "fun" and "naughty" things are over and done with as soon as you say:" I do." Personally, I think it's a bit pathetic. What really gets me is when people say... OH it's the "last" week-end of being single! When it's not. If someone is engaged and about to get married... they are NOT single.
If you don't want strippers, tell your friend and stick by your guns.
I have been to several hen-parties (no strippers) and one bachelor (I was his best "woman") and no strippers either. It's not hard to arrange a FUN night out without having to add strippers.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (25 May 2016):
 I don't get it either. Seems to me finding entertainment in doing what one would consider cheating in an otherwise relationship like sticking your finger up and saying " Fuck you, today its ok but next week,once married,....Well?" Not fun, but stupid IMHO
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