A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:How do you get over being used and stop it from happening again? I was really in love with a man for 4 years. I really thought we had a special connection and he seemed equally as passionate, at first, although looking back, he offered to break up before I went to Uni so I could have fun, so obv he wasn't as passionate as I was. But we stayed together while I was at Uni. I would always go to see him in holidays. He refused and made excuses to come to visit me. I went travelling, he declined to come with, because he "hates travelling". I broke up with him after realizing that I was not happy with him because of how neglected I felt. It wasn't just these ways he was neglectful, he was just not interested in sex and was not interested in spending time with me when I was with him, and he was very unattentive to me generally. It got worse and worse until I felt I had to leave, even though I loved him with all my heart. After we broke up he went on holiday, so obviously he lied to me because he just did not want to do these things with me...So basically, I feel like he pulled the wool over my eyes, and deceived me because I tried to talk to him many times about these issues and he was always very good at convincing me I was upset over nothing and I was being needy or unreasonable. He would always say he loved me and I was stupid enough to believe him. He convinced me to stay with him even though he wasn't giving me the love I deserve because he clearly didn't really love me. I just don't understand why he would bother being with someone for 4 years when he wasn't in love with me. Why string me along and keep me sweet for all that time when he wasn't that into me? Why lie? It hurts like nothing I've ever felt.He always said he wasn't a bad boyfriend because he didn't cheat, as though that should make him a good person. But to me not cheating is minimum standard. I think if he cheated it would be easier to get over, at least I could understand that he was just a bog standard prick. But this, I cannot understand. It's like our relationship had a slow painful death. I was totally dedicated, he was maybe happy to have a "girlfriend" who boosted his ego but didn't require much maintenance because I was away at Uni most of the year. But he didn't really see me as more than that. I was not someone he REALLY wanted to be with.I just think it's so unfair to string someone along like that, especially if you supposedly care for them. My question is, why do people use other people and lie to them when they don't really love them and had no intention of making any effort to make the relationship work? How do I get over this experience? And do any men exist who are genuine and honest in relationships and who are willing and actually want to make an effort to make a relationship work with a nice girl who is also honest and loving and would move the earth for her man? I'm starting to feel like this fairytale doesn't exist...
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2012): Dear Anonymous,
I'm very sorry that after 4 years you have discovered this man was only using you, and lying to you.
To answer your questions, why do people do it? I think some are weak, some are cowards, some are manipulative, some have ulterior motives, some are just plain bad seed.
I've known guys who will be with someone who is so into them, yet they will admit they are not "the one" for them, and when asked why they don't release said girl who deserves better, they don't have an answer because it seems to me they would rather be with someone, anyone, instead of being alone while they wait for "the one". I believe not only guys but some girls do that too. Sad but true.
How do you get over this experience?
You go over the 4 years with a fine tooth comb. You look at his words; his actions; his behaviour, all of it, and you study what to look for in future. What you will accept, and what you will not accept. You take this as a learning experience. We all feel we have "lost time" when this kind of thing happens, but in essence, not really. It's life lessons you have learnt the hard way, and you won't make the same mistake again. You will expect more in future, and better! You will also have wisdom to now share with others who may be going through a similar experience. You talk about it, you share it, you analyse it, you cry over it, you get angry over it, and basically the same process as grief of loss of a loved one. You loved him completely, and you have lost that dream, that hope. So you need to grieve what could have been. You will need time, and you will heal. In time, you will put it behind you and look forward again, with hope and one day, believe it or not, you will see it as a blessing in disguise that you are no longer with him. Because you will find someone better, more deserving of you, and you will be so glad you waited for the right one.
Yes, men do exist that are honest and genuine in relationships. I know because I too lost time with someone, learned those valuable lessons, and when I was more discerning, and after a long time, when I least expected it, the right one came along. He is genuine and honest. Time has proven it, but also his consistency, doing what he says, and saying what he does. Something else I learnt: a guy saying "I love you" can be lip service. He needs to say it and show it and express it every way possible. If he just says it, but his actions bely his true intentions, there you have it. That is how you avoid that pitfall in future. You can also take Cerberus advice to heart (look up his article on this) That actions speak louder than words.
The fairytale exists, don't lose hope because of one fake man.
Some more measures for getting over the liar:
Look after you. Make yourself a priority now, and do everything that will make you the happiest you can be.
In your career - give it everything, take on additional projects to be challenged and busy and fulfilled. Go on courses to grow as an individual. Make time for family and friends, good quality time. If you're into movies, create a "girls night out" at the movies. If you're into books, create a book club with friends or colleagues. If you're into music, go to stores and listen to music and check out what's new. If you're into sports, pursue that. Either at gym, or join a social sports club to have friendly people who share your interests. Whatever hobbies you have. New languages. Cooking lessons - whatever makes you happy about life, do those things. Lead a fulfilled life, and as those things take on more and more of your time, your mind and heart will focus on new things, new people and him and the relationship will fade into the past. You will get over it, in time, and you will be happy again. Believe in that, and focus on the future. Forward. Put him behind you.
To assist you with being more discerning, research articles on the net about "wonderful boyfriends" or "husbands" and set your own standards for what you will and will not accept in a relationship.
You were giving 100%+... however he just made excuses. You had to travel to him. A good guy would have either travelled more to see you, or at least shared the trips between the two of you, not you travelling to him every time. No effort on his part. Red flag.
He hated travel - yet travelled when you broke up. A lie. If someone is totally into you, they will want to be with you. They will move Heaven and Earth to be with you :) I'm a romantic, don't shoot me ;-) hehe Read : "He's just not that into you" by Greg Behrendt. Lots of truth there. Also read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. That will also give you a good insight into men, and women. Sure, it may generalise, but I have found a fountain of truth in there.
There were lots of red flags: his lack of interest in sex with you; neglecting you and your needs; didn't want to spend time with you; unattentive in general - all red flags. With a guy that is really into you, like you are into him, you will KNOW. He will be there front and centre, wanting to see you, calling you, being with you.
It was either inexperience, or your emotions clouding your senses. He didn't pull the wool over your eyes - it is very clear he didn't make any effort. You needed to have higher standards, and not accept this sooner. I know, we try, we work on our relationships, we try to give them the benefit of the doubt, but some just don't deserve it, and he is one of those.
Now you know LOVE looks different to what he tried to reason with you about. He tried to convince you that you were needy or unreasonable. Now in future you will know that is rubbish.
Maybe he was with you to say he had someone. Maybe he wanted someone but only when it suited him. He didn't want it to change his life, or his routine. Perhaps just a partner for occassions. He was very selfish, used and abused you and your love, and I'm very sorry. You should never have been treated like that, and don't ever let anyone else do it to you.
I wish I could swear and call him names, because he deserves it. He took a lot from you, but you will survive, you will get over him, and you will triumph over this. You will be happy again. Someone will see you as special, beautiful and worthy of all the love you can dream about. One day. It will happen, just go on with your life and one day it will happen.
It was more than unfair what he did. You have every right to be upset, broken and completely torn over this. He was very cruel to you, stringing you along like that, but thank goodness it's over, and you can look towards a happier future, than the relationship you had with him. When you think how much you loved him, remind yourself how you had to travel to see him; how you had to travel alone because he lied that he didn't enjoy it; how you didn't get the attention you deserved; how he didn't appreciate your mind; your talent and your body; everything. He is missing out. One day he may or may not realise it, but that does not matter. You deserve sooooo much better, and you will get it and one day wonder, why did I waste so much time with that Loser ;-) it too shall pass.
Good luck, here goes a big hug from one ex hurt female, who is now very happy with a good, genuine man - to another female who needs the same healing and happiness!
Wishing you all the happiness in the world.
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