A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Why would two people remain married after being seperated fir 3 and a half years, both be involved in serious relationships for over a year, one party having been involved for the whole three years with another person. They were only married for three and a half years before their three year seperation. Money is not an issue, there is no kids involved. They tried for a month after the wife chased the girlfriend away with harrasment. Now the coupke just talks . But seriously why do people hold onto marriages they do not want.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2013): Because they do want it OP. It's that simple. I want to get ripped but I eat too much chocolate, then my want for chocolate outweighs my want for a trimmer physique doesn't it?
So for people in that situation, their want to have that person still in their life is more than their want for them not to be.
All the rest is just bullshit talk. If I really wanted to get toned I'd stop eating too much chocolate if I don't then I really don't want to lose weight, life really is that easy.
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (8 June 2013):
Hi there. It is possible, that even after the 3 years of separation, that they have decided they don't in fact love anyone else, quite as much as they did each other.
There might be something missing from these other relationships they now have, or have had.
It sometimes takes a complete change of circumstances, to see what you already had, was the one you wanted to be with all along.
You have probably heard the old saying - "you don't know what you have got until you lose it."
Meaning, that it's not always possible to see just how good things are, until you are no longer with that person, and choose to move on with your life and start anew.
To make some sort of comparison.
I guess what I am really saying here, is that after many years of being married to one person, it can sometimes feel like there is no fun and excitement to it anymore.
Like there was in the beginning when the relationship was all shiny and new.
And unfortunately, with time - say after 18 months to about 2 years maximum - all relationships mature, and begin to evolve into something more.
And this is because you have become used to each other, like a comfy old pair of bedroom slippers.
Each person falls into a pattern of being, in the relationship, and it can even feel like one is in a bit of a rut.
And so with no careful attention to this, it can start to feel a little boring and uninspirational for all concerned.
And so it is entirely possible, that this is where they are at, at the present time.
And all realtionships will go through this phase after the newness stage has worn off.
It is just not possible to keep it in the honeymoon stage beyond about 3 years at the very most.
All relationships mature.
And it doesn't mean it's the end, it is simply the beginning of another phase of the relationship.
And you did say they were married for about 3 years, didn't you?
And this would seem to coincide with the honeymoon stage wearing off, as is normal.
And nothing to do with not having children together.
And so the relationships for each of them after that, may have also reached the end of the newness stage, and so they began to wonder, if this was normal for all human relationships.
And so hence, the finding their way back to each other once more.
It is even possible, that they both started to think that maybe their breakup was a mistake after all.
And I say this especially, if at around 3 years of being in a relationship, they start to feel bored with it.
And also, if they are not aware that all relationships go through that evolution over time.
They might be thinking that it should ALWAYS be like the honeymoon stage for the rest of their life.
And until they finally realize that this just isn't so, well then they will keep chasing after something that is impossible to achieve.
A bit like chasing a rainbow.
You think you might be getting closer to it, but it just keeps getting further and further away, and you just can't reach it no matter how hard you try.
I guess it is simply a case of being happy with what you have, and making any changes to the relationship to make it more fun and to keep it always fresh.
And a fantastic way to do this, is to keep some time for just yourself - say one night a week - to leave the house to pursue a hobby or interest, and where you will be mixing with like minded people, who you can learn new things from, in life.
So in other words, not spending all day every day with just the two of you.
And not just sitting and watching television every night of the week, and never going out.
All relationships need a bit of a shakeup now and then, just to keep things fresh.
And by deciding to do something different together on the weekend.
Doing things you have not done before, or haven't done for a long time.
And both keeping their own friends, who they keep regular contact with and seeing those friends on at least one night of the week.
All these kinds of things keep a relationship fresh and interesting, and it gives both people more things to talk about.
In short, it breathes fresh air back into the relationship once more.
And it makes the time 2 people spend together, that much more interesting.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2013): People have strange relationships. I've known couples who fight ferociously, and they've been together for years. Some wives refuse to sign the documents, and consider that their way of keeping him in marital purgatory; with a little hell thrown in now and then.My former neighbor's husband had a girlfriend and child across town. They got along like peas in a pod one minute, and she kicked him out the next. He always came home like a hungry stray cat. Last I heard, he bought her a Lexus. These people develop a love-hate relationship. They don't want to go through the legal aspects or expense of divorce. Not because of the cost; but because of the finality of the action taken. They just think it's inconvenient. They justprocrastinate.Some don't divorce; because they have Catholic parents, and they want to wait until they're dead before they divorce.Especially if their parents hold the purse-strings, and don't believe in divorce.In their minds they feel they can work it out, or they find comfort in staying married; feeling at some point they'll work it out as friends. They share a history, and they feel related. So they can live independently without legal divorce. In their minds, they kinda love each other, just not enough to live in the same house. They usually have kids, but sometimes they don't.Most people who do this have absolutely no intention of ever remarrying. So they figure, why bother to divorce? It's just a piece of paper to them. That is, until one of them dies and there's a legal battle for property and assets between spouses, girlfriends, and family.There are men who just cross state-lines and remarry, and leave a whole family and a wife behind. Thinking nothing of the legal consequences.Some people actually feel they're still in love, they just can't stand each other. They share weddings, Christenings, funerals, graduations, and family picnics like family. Then leave and go their separate ways. Once one or the other finds a partner that feels right,they drag each other into court, and finally get a legal divorce. These are some of the same people carrying protest signs opposing gay-marriage. Go figure.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2013): Because divorce has become a dirty word. Everyone loves to bemoan the high divorce rate and accuse couples who split of being "lazy " or "uncommitted " or other negatives. Divorced people are made to feel like moral failures. Married people know this is what awaits them if hey divorce and thus they don't divorce.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (8 June 2013):
 I would be guessing that the wife is the one holding on if she's caring enough to harass the girlfriend.
Money, pride, ego, all of those could be involved.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (8 June 2013):
 Obviously, is somebody is holding on, the DO want it. The reasons for wanting to hold on in these situations are many and varied. If you believe you are close enough to one of those people you would be better off asking them why they are holding on.
It may be religious, it may be financial, it may simply be that one or other of the pair have not yet found anybody they want more than the dead marriage.
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