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writes: I have seen so many postings by men of all ages who are having problems dealing with the sexual past of their girlfriends or wives. As many of you know from reading my posts, I have been one of them. These teachings were figuratively beat into my brain by my mother and aunts. There was something wrong with every girl I wanted to go with. My wife hates my relatives for this and the general culture that teaches these ideas. She has hoped that things are changing, but from the postings of younger men and boys, it seems that it hasn't. One 17 year old was from Denmark (per his flag) and also had these feelings. I had thought that the sexual culture might be different in the Scandinavian countries.Many women are sexually active for a number of reasons. Some just because they want sex and many others because they have been rejected by a lover or are feeling unattractive and not desirable because of a cheating mate or abuse. Some are in their 30s and 40s and are made to feel old and unwanted by that age. (That's another problem that is unfair to women.) When I first started going with my wife I thought that I was so lucky to have found a woman this good. When I found out about her sexual past, she automatically became a slut to me. My relatives would have demanded that I stop seeing her if they had known. That was when I was 34 years old. Why are we made to feel this way? Is it because of what we are told when young or is it just how the male brain works? My wife also didn't feel good about herself. She wasn't told things directly as a youth as I was, but it was made clear which women in town were cheap. She had bad feelings about herself and that is why she had a need to tell me.I'm not trying to condone any sexual behavior by either men or women, but there are times in a persons life when they need something and do things that they may not be proud of later. These women are not sluts. They are good and loving women that are hurting and need to feel loved. A lot of women answer these men's questions by telling their own stories of rejection and looking for love. Many say that they did what they needed to. Some are happy with they did and others wish they had been a little more discretionary. None of these women who are needing something are sluts. Why do we have to be taught to treat them like they are?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDiovan, I think there are a few things that one must realize that differ in a man’s feelings about this subject. For instance, you may have noticed that, in many of the questions asked on this subject, that the guy only cares and has a problem with a woman’s past once he finds himself falling in love with her or at least thinking of her as a long term partner.
This was the case with me. My wife’s hints when we first started dating just passed over my head. I just thought it strange that she said some of the things that she said. Take, for instance, our first night in bed. Not having dated for over 12 years, I had no idea what was normal, so I asked her if she wanted to stay the night after we were in bed. Her response was, “It wouldn’t be the first time.” I just wrote that off as strange. The hints over the weeks got stronger as time went on. It wasn’t until after about 6 or 8 weeks that I started to wonder what she was trying to tell me. She finally made a comment about a female friend of hers making a comment to her about her “spreading it all over town”. That is when I finally said, “OK, how many guys have you slept with?” That is when she started to list them for me.
By that time I had started to think that I had a special woman and I was probably starting to like her a lot. That is when her hints mattered to me and when I started to have trouble with her past. I dated a few other women. I knew that one of them had a very active past. I couldn’t have cared in the least. There was another one who I liked a lot. She started to tell me about her past in bits and pieces. She made each bit into a story. I liked her, but I had decided that I probably didn’t want her for a permanent partner and her past meant nothing to me. She was very nice to be with and she was great in bed. I was happy with her experience and didn’t care if she had had only 2 partners or 20 or 200. I liked being with her and the great sex with her and that is all that mattered.
I was the first man that my wife ever had any need to tell about her past. For some reason, she started to fall in love with me on the first date. She has told me that I was the first guy who treated her with as much respect as I did and the first one who made no attempt to get into bed on the first date. I was the one of the first who didn’t try to get her a bit squiffy on the first date to make it easier to get her in bed. I didn’t do that on the second date either because I wanted a woman to have sex with me because she wanted to while sober. I guess this was unusual for divorced people in their 30s. That was the impression that I got with my other 3 partners at that time. Actually, one of them didn’t give me any chance to wait until the second date to get into bed with me.
Let’s take a hypothetical case. Let’s say that a woman marries her first sexual partner. She was a virgin. That was the case for my wife and many other women. She is faithful throughout the entire relationship, but it finally fails. Now let’s assume that she has 4 sexual partners in the first year after they split up. None are serious relationships, but the partners have fun together. None of these guys care at all about her past sexual experience. Well, I wouldn’t expect them too because they aren’t falling in love with her. They might like her, but they have no intention of forming a long term relationship. They prefer that she have lots of sexual experience because she is great in bed and that is what is important with a woman who a man is dating for companionship and great sex.
Let’s say that one of these men was brought up to think of a woman who has acted like that as a slut. Fine, so he is dating a slut in his mind because of what he was taught. He doesn’t care because he has no intention of marrying her. He is having a great time with a hot sexually experienced babe. Life is good for him.
Now, let’s assume that he starts to fall in love with her. He cares about her now for more than companionship and sex. He now is thinking of the type of woman that he was taught when young to want as a wife. Oops, there is a problem. The woman who he is thinking that he would like marry is a slut. He is not supposed to want to marry a woman like that. How does he resolve these conflicting thoughts in his mind? How can it be fine to want to marry someone who he was taught was not a worthy partner?
It is good if both a woman and a partner are proud of theirs and the others sexual experience and all parts of their pasts in general. It will result in a relationship with one potential problem out of the picture. However, there are both men and women who are not proud of their pasts and/or are bothered by their partners’ pasts. My wife felt guilty about the way that she had slept with men who she had just met and was perhaps a bit ashamed also. She was brought up to think that was wrong and cheap. That is why she had to tell me about it. I was brought up to think the same, but I was also brought up to think that of men. That is probably why I felt bad about the single one night stand that I had and didn’t want to do that again.
I believe that a lot of women (and men) wish they had acted differently once they find a person who they want as a long term partner. Some admit it to themselves and some can’t face the fact that they don’t like some of the things that they have done. They try to make excuses to hide what they can’t face. It was very hard for my wife to face what she was ashamed or guilty of for many years. It was difficult for me to face that I had been a poor husband for my first wife for many years. We both tried to act differently than we had in the past, but it took a long time to face our mistakes and feel better about ourselves.
The purpose of this article was to explore the way that social thinking and family upbringing influence a person’s thinking and how social thinking can harm a good and loving relationship. It is normal for people of both sexes to feel fine about what they are doing while they are hurting, very lonely or trying to discover where to go in life from the point that they are at. They do things that are not in their nature and then feel bad about it at a later time. I am a firm believer that it is family and social teachings in youth and even early 20s that influence ones thinking later in life. The person then had a great conflict in their mind between what they have been taught to believe and what they believe by intelligent thinking is correct. This conflict is very difficult to resolve. This is just not true for the subject discussed here, but in most parts of life in general.
Diovan, you have every right to think as you do and I personally think that it is a healthy way of thinking about the subject of relationships. However, you may someday find yourself in a situation where you start to fall in love with a man who thinks as I and many men and women were taught to think. You will now find yourself in a very difficult position – to leave him and give up someone you love or try to work with him to find a resolution to the problem. You may now think that you know what you would do and would find it easy to do that in the future, but you may discover that it is not as easy as you think if the situation ever arises.
You said: “Love is not a reason to have sex, people have sex because it feels nice.” I agree with that, but love adds so much to the sex.
You also said: “Love and sex is not a reason to settle down with someone, you live in a partnership with someone you can respect and shows you respect as well.” There is something to be said for that approach, but it is also a somewhat sad thought in my mind. It sounds more like a business partnership than a real relationship to me. It sounds like a hollow relationship to me. It sounds more like what my wife had in her first marriage and some of what I felt in my first marriage. I had a good wife, but something was missing that I have had with my current wife. If we had the same relationship that we have had over the past 29 years, but without the great sex AND ESPECIALLY WITHOUT THE LOVE then there would have been so much missing from our lives.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2008): Thanks Troubletoomuch for this very interesting post. I too am a black woman from London, and Jovial is perfect right when she talks about the rules we women are taught about how wait until a man approaches you and wants you. However, then we part company. I have a Jamaican background, it is very common for women to choose to live alone, or choose to be a single mother. Love is not a reason to have sex, people have sex because it feels nice. Love and sex is not a reason to settle down with someone, you live in a partnership with someone you can respect and shows you respect as well. A woman who is unhappy but stays with a man who treats her bad is a woman who lacks self respect. A woman who works for herself, brings up her children, has her own money, has education and ambition is seen as a woman with class. The fact that she also has lovers, rather than boyfriends or partners is seen as a strong woman, who would rather be alone than compromise, just to say that she has got a man at home.
I must admit, before I came on DC, I'd never even realised that so many men have this jealousy problem. In my relationships men are just happy to be with me, it's not their business about my past. A man who worries about a woman's past is seen as very weak and insecure. It's about keeping your woman happy, so she doesn't need to run off or have an affair. Rather than worrying about who she last slept with, the men in my world worry about what they have to do to keep the woman.
Virginity may be of interest to young boys or men who are insecure. But grown men hate virgins because they take to long to train and know little about the world and about sex. The adult men in my world prefer independent, sexually adventurous women, numbers are unimportant, but of course, it is preferable if the number of lovers is not in the 100's.
I respect for some men this is not the same. But I must admit, in reality I would have little patience for these views, and would judge the guy as being a little too possessive, judgemental and controlling for my tastes. I thought like this when I was a virgin, I thought like this when I was in a long relationship, and I still feel like this now I'm single. My body belongs to me, so dose my past, and if I want to share it with somebody, anybody or everybody, then that is my choice, and my self-respect is never damaged. My self-respect only becomes damaged if I choose to allow others to control my life, or decide what or who I should become. People only have one life to live, they should live it to make themselves happy, not to please someone else's insecurities.
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reader, Jovial  +, writes (31 October 2007):
 Hi
My comments maybe a bit irrelevant but I am sure they point out the root of the perception.
I think this is quite a discussion u are having here guys. I am a black woman in SA who was brought up in a community where if a woman/girl has a child out of wedlock is a whore this is a cultural believe that is carried from generations to generations even though nowadays people are moving away from it; it is still a stigma to a parent whose daughter becomes a mother before marriage, why is that? Because men are excused when it comes to extra marital affairs, boys sleeping around with any girl they meet.
This discussion goes beyond who is seen as damaged and who is not. Somebody ones said to me it is very funny how different views women and men have when it comes to sex and relationships if a woman is looking for a serious relationship she will lie about her past boyfriends if she had 10 she will reduce to 5 or 3 so that her potential boyfriend doesn’t see her as a slut or a loose woman, but for men they are ashamed of saying they only had 1 or 2 sexual partners if the girl has outnumbered him, why because of the ‘MACHO’ thing that the girl might think he is inexperienced, what he doesn’t know is that we girls we do enjoy having a partner who didn’t have multiple partners we feel dignified as well. It is disturbing for a woman (as much as it is for men) when she arrives at her new job and finding that one of her colleague is her boyfriend’s ex, imagine the work conflicts.
In the rural area where I come from; it is easy for the men to forgive a murderer than an impregnated girl in her teenage years. We are rebuked to stay away from boys, when are we going to rebuke the boys to stay away from the girls? Isn’t that what we are suppose to call self-respect? If the boy sees sleeping around as wrong not only for the girls don’t u think that’s where self introspection begins? This mentality of shaming women about their sexual behaviour its long over due.
Someone below mentioned its easy for woman to have sex than a man, meaning women have more opportunities? NO I think that mentality is also screwed because where I come from a woman is considered loose if she asks a man out! This means she has to wait for a man to approach her first, we have initiation schools that a virgin girl goes during her adolescence stage where she is taught not to make a first move when it comes to sex and relationship, she is taught to value a man as the bigger person in the relationship, and those girls falls victim to this rituals because man abuse those teachings to their own advantage. My point here was that based on this point man has more opportunities and even more opportunities to choose which woman to use and declare damaged goods later.
When I had my child at 18 I was shamed more than any low life u can think of, it wasn’t easy at all I endured a lot of name calling, I remember how painful it was for my mother having to go thru the pain of being named a bad mother. But no one called the mother of my child a bad mother because he is a boy I was suppose to have known better wasn’t he suppose to know it as well? I think this psychotic judgement is the one that is ruining our generation, this days you find an 18yrs old boy having 5 kids with different girls why because when he had the first one at 15 his mother and the rest of the community accepted it as ‘boys will always be boys’
Why are we unable to control teenage pregnancies these days? Because the community is focused on girls as if they are the ones who impregnate themselves, forgetting that even for boys its not acceptable to have sex at a young age. You can not prey on different women for sex anytime u like and still expect to marry a virgin and a virtuous women it is not possible. Until we can teach our children value that makes them realise their wealth whether a boy or a girl, a dangerous mentality like this is here to stay.
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reader, hmm...  +, writes (29 October 2007):
I am really sick of this men-women discussion and would like to talk about people who have and people who do not have SELFRESPECT no matter which gender. I will repeat this to all people on this blog: If you sleep with somebody just becouse you are horny or want to experiment, or drunk or any other reason but LOVE on which basis do you expect to find somebody who is going to love you afterwards? Are you able to love some spineless person who took an advantage of somebody who was lonely or depressed, or lost it's faith in a possibility to have a decent relationtip ever again in it's life??? I SEE WOMEN WHO HAD CASUAL SEX AS DEMAGED AS WELL AS MEN! BUT NOT DAMAGED GOODS BUT DAMAGED PSYCHOLOGICALY!
Even worse are women who think their men are macho becouse they slept around. They are so pathetic and make me feel sick!!!!
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reader, eddie  +, writes (28 October 2007):
 Men like to walk about town like a peacock when it comes to their woman. As soon as the peacock comes across another peacock who slept with his wife previously, let's just say some feathers fall out. It's hard to feel secure/proud etc when you know the other guy was with your wife first. It's because we love our partners or because we're proud to have them on our arm. It's not subservient or macho, just the way it is. We like to feel as though we're walking with someone every man desires as opposed to walking with someone everyman has been with already. It kind of deflates the mental image we have in our head. In other words, we like to feel we're with someone special and if everybody else in town has been with her already, it takes away the "special" part.
I have an example. My son plays hockey and he's a little better than average. My friends son also plays hockey and he's way above average and plays at the highest level possible. Once in a while my friend would give us some used equipment of very good quality/high price. If my son used the equipment, the guys on his team would definitely notice and comment on the quality of the items. That might make my son feel proud/special etc. If the kid who originally owned the stuff waited outside the dressing room and told all the kids, as they walked out the door, that he originally owned it, it would take away the special feeling for my son. I know we're talking about women and equipment here but the feeling is the same.
Men can't choose who they have sex with. As men, we know we have to hunt. As hunters, we lose respect for prey (women) who make it too easy to be caught. Men fear a woman who is so sexually aggressive when choosing a spouse. It seems like a scary concept. A wife, who as a female, can choose when she has sex but also has a high sex drive or is less inhibited than average. She has the drive and the power. I really don't want two or three guys from my baseball team to know what sounds my wife makes, what sexual positions she enjoys, does she like this, that etc. As men we understand men how they think and talk when among themselves.
So it doesn't really make a woman a slut or loose to have sex with many men. It's really a problem for men to handle. It's based on common ideals and practices though. We are wired the way we're wired. Most women don't sleep with lots of men and most men don't want women who do. It's the way we've evolved. Even as women have become liberated, they still don't jump into bed with as many men as they can. There in lies the difference. Women have the power and don't abuse it out of respect for THEMSELVES. They feel what they have needs to be earned, not given away for a drink in a bar. Most men would not have that control.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMost women are not going to bed with a guy they just met because they have had a couple of drinks. They are doing it because they are looking for someone to love them and to be needed. At least this is the case for women in their 30s and beyond that I have met. They have been hurt and rejected and feel unwanted. My wife, after sleeping with 10 men in 3 years, felt that she would never find a guy who loved her and that she could marry for love. Once we found each other, she stopped looking. She stopped going to bars and dance clubs to find someone. She dropped her last boyfriend immediately after only our first date. We had not even gone to bed. She had found what she had been looking for and had no intention of jeopardizing that relationship by sleeping with someone else. These women can easily change dramatically and be very faithful.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo anon who wrote, "what are mens opinions on a women who has been raped or abused?"
I have never dated a woman who has gone through that terrible experience, but I feel fairly sure how I would treat her. I am only speaking to how I might have felt after my divorce at 33 years old. That is when I began to grow up. I don't think that I would have treated her as "damaged goods". If I had known about her situation before we started dating, I believe that I would have been much more careful of the relationship than I was with my other partners. Compared to other guys that they had gone with, I was more respectful of them as far as expecting sex from them. I would have been much more respectful of a woman who has been raped so that I would not hurt her more. At least I hope that I would not have been so disrespectful of her difficult situation.
My feelings have come a long way. I now am happy that my wife had some good relationships with several men, including the sex. I do still have some trouble with the 1 night stands that she picked up. A woman who has been raped is not even close to being in the same category as a promiscuous woman. She had no say in the situation. She was a victim and did absolutely nothing wrong. I'm sorry to say that I'm not sure I could have felt this way while in my 20s. I guess it takes time to start to become mature.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2007): I am a person who has been called damaged goods
what are mens opinions on a women who has been raped or abused?
Do u count that towards there sexual past if any?
why does it scare you away?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAs Mandy7 said, "We are all inderviduals and even though we may have been brought up judging others we all have the freedom of choice to change the way we veiw certain issues and not to judge to quickly......And as we do we can only learn and grow and hopefully realise that the only thing that really matters is love."
That is so true and important, possibly the most important thing to remember in a relationship, or in life in general. We seem to make behavior of another person who was hurting at the time as if it were a crime. And for behavior that is not something bad. It is not as if this person abused a child or something else terrible. They hurt no one, maybe just their own self esteem at the most. We should not treat them in a way so they have even less self esteem. I feel so bad that I have not been able to completely follow these very wise words with my wife.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2007): Well I feel sometimes its forgoten that just because we are women we do have sexual needs just as men do.
I was raped when in my 20s even though my husband phoned the police and I spent all night and half the day there then to the hospital for a medical, hurt tired and numb my husband wanted sex that night as he wanted to be the last man to have me.
You could say that when I got stronger I got my own back,
Men do go out looking to pick up and so do women so if you pick up a women and you both say yes to sex why then are you labled as a cheep woman
As for women we reaise as we are getting older and maybe a little grey hair is showing untill the next colour job, That we really havent got the time to find someone after say 3 marraiges and a bunch of crap, So maybe we do have a few sexual mistakes, if you can put it like that.
But when and if we are lucky enough to find that special someone as I have , Then I think nothing of the past only thinking how very lucky I am at this very moment, Its moments that count with the one you love and as a woman I dont ever think of my sexual past my time is the here and now.
The meaning of slut is a lonely sometimes very unhappy in need of love and attention woman and when you have been abused you feel your only going to get the love if you offer the sex, very sad but true, When I lost one of the most precious people in my life my b/f just hugged me for 3days in bed and the first time he got in my bed was the first night I met him, Thats when I new he was special.
We are all inderviduals and even though we may have been brought up judging others we all have the freedom of choice to change the way we veiw certain issues and not to judge to quickly......And as we do we can only learn and grow and hopefully realise that the only thing that really matters is love.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo anon who started out their post "I'm surprised that people are still being raised to think this way, it is sooooo old-fashioned." It sounds like you are a female and, if so, I am happy to get these thoughts from you. (If you are a male, I'm still happy to get these thoughts.) I think that you are saying the same thing that I had said. Why do we have to think this way. It is wrong.
To your comment "A male friend of mine told me some men prefer women with only limited sexual 'experience' because they don't want to be where dozens of men have been before." This is definitely true, at least it was for me. Fortunately, I had the courage, intelligence or whatever it was to try to accept my then girlfriends sexual past, try not to think of her as a slut and to try not to insult her. I did not completely succeed in any of these, but I have still loved her for 28 years now.
To your comment "Plus he also said that he personally prefers women who've only had a couple of sexual partners because he doesn't like criticism." Fortunately, I did not think this way with my first girlfriend (my wife) after my divorce. She was only the second partner that I had ever had and I probably didn't feel threatened because I assumed that she didn't have much sexual experience after her divorce. By the time she told me that she had 10 partners in 3 years I already knew that she enjoyed making love to me. She didn't care that I didn't have the experience or know all the positions that her other lovers did. She only cared that I treated her with respect and tried my best to make her happy, both out of and in bed. I made up my mind after my divorce that I would take the time to kiss, hug, cuddle and spend as much time at foreplay and oral to get the woman ready for intercourse. The first couple of times with her, I forced myself to do that. Fortunately for both of us, I discovered that I love those parts of lovemaking as much or more than the intercourse. Now that we are older, we even occasionally stop and just cuddle after her oral orgasm.
To guys who feel threatened by a woman with much experience, treat her right and try your best to make her feel good. That worked wonders with my wife and my 3 other partners that I had while I was going with her. They all appreciated that far more than the positions that I used. My wife has told me that only one other partner had treated her as good as I had. There were some of the others that treated her well also, but not to the extent that that one and I had treated her. I also got the impression from one of my other lovers that I treated her better than she had been used to.
As to the submissive comment, I had wished for many years that my wife would be more aggressive with me. She has finally started to be that way and I like it. She does regret her submissive behavior when she was dating. If a guy wanted sex (which they all did), she would give it to him, even if she really didn't want to. I wrote about that in my other article a couple of ones below this one.
Finally, I totally agree with you that this is a crock of crap. I wish that I had not been brought up to feel the way that I had, and still do to a much lesser extent. Even though I can rationalize that these feelings are wrong, I still cannot completely overcome my upbringing.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2007): I'm surprised that people are still being raised to think this way, it is sooooo old-fashioned. If a man 'plays the field', everyone pats him on the back for being such a 'ladies man'. If a woman plays the field people call her cheap. A friend of mine got pregnant at 18. She was not a slut, this was only the second time she'd had sex with her boyfriend, yet everyone treated her like a slut with name-calling, verbal abuse and everything. No-one says anything at all about her boyfriend. Everyone knows who he is, everyone knows he's been around with other women, and yet SHE is the one copping the abuse. Nothing has changed. A male friend of mine told me some men prefer women with only limited sexual 'experience' because they don't want to be where dozens of men have been before. Plus he also said that he personally prefers women who've only had a couple of sexual partners because he doesn't like criticism. He's scared of being with an 'experienced' woman in case she's more confident (and better) in bed than him and he doesn't want to be laughed at. I think history has basically taught people that women are meant to be the submissive ones when it comes to sex - the man needs to be the dominant, experienced one and so when it's the other way around people start freaking out. People are still being brought up to believe that. What a load of bollocks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2007): Guys what if the girl was rape in her past, and didn`t have any partner before would you date her.
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reader, hmm... +, writes (26 October 2007):
I DO NOT AGREEE! I think this goes both genders. Women who respect themselves don't want to have ex male sluts for boyfriends and husbands! I do not want to have emotional relationship with somebody who considers sex as sport or fun but with somebody who sees sex as expression of love.Example: My girlfriend told me: I had a one night stand with some waiter in Greece 3 years ago. ME: Was it romantic?SHE: Well not very much… but it was good sex.ME: Did he show you islands and historical stuff?SHE: No, I saw him twice.ME: How would you feel if I f*****d J.M (this is a girl from the same circle of friends we both know and that was hitting on me) She answers: YUCK! She is such a player, you are so spineless!!! I would never be with you!ME: Ok what is the difference between holiday male sluts and J.M? SHE: Well there is no....oh my god, what I did? ME: Sorry we can’t be together! I have nothing against your ex boyfriends, I even like you are sexually experienced but this proves you are immature and not able to connect emotionally, which I need! We don't have same goals in life. SHE: but I have changed, I think it's bad what I did.ME: but I never did stuff like that even though I could many times! SHE: Yes but I was depressed, insecure and thought I was ugly and needed somebody for affection!ME: So if I ever get depressed I can fuck J.M?SHE: NOOOO!ME: Ok, so you want excuse for yourself and want to make me think: My girlfriend is a bit depressed so it’s allowed for her to be irresponsible! You know it makes me very proud of my choice of you as a girlfriend!SHE: I’m so sorry. ME: Did you really think you can treat yourself badly and people who care about you would be ok with that?SHE: Well at the moment I was just depressed and a bit drunk.ME: How would you feel if you hear your mum fucked that waiter or your dad fucked J.M?SHE: It’s awful to say that.ME: How would you feel your daughter in future hears about what you did?SHE: …ME: Why would I stay and develop relationship with you?SHE: Because I love you. Because I would do everything for you!ME: Are you with me because of what I am or because of what I can do for you???SHE: Because of whom you are.ME: So I should be with you for other reason? Would that make you feel respectful?SHE: No…ME: Love is not enough. You need to have self-respect to build relationships. I understand how you feel. I think you are great friend. I do not want to be emotionally involved with you because I can’t be in love with somebody I do not respect! I am very sorry, we were a mistake.SHE: No!Am I macho? Nope. Am I bad guy? Nope. But I am not emotional Red Cross either. I love sex. I love women that love sex. I love women who had previous emotional relationships developed their personal and sexual life. I can’t be in love with women that do not have self respect. That would mean I don’t have self respect either. I felt bad after that. It was such a shock to my ego, I fell for her. I should have realized who I am dealing with earlier. I felt almost I was bitten by a vampire. We talked a lot about this and stayed friends. I think not a lot has changed. She had few one night stands after. I am so glad for my decision. I am currently single but have stronger ideas of what I’m looking for and I am very happy. I will never have one night stand and disturb my future relationships. And I am so looking forward to meet a girl who thinks the same.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2007): Looking at this strictly from a 'macho' and slighly sexist point of view, I would have to say that men can be selfish that way, when looking at women. We want a pure, or purer woman that can match up to our standards and desires, EVEN if we have had hundreds or dozens of partners in the past.
As said, strictly through macho and sexist PoV, for me, I would look at a potential partner as if she is my temple, and I am the only one who is allowed in that temple. For other men, they may see their potential partners as property, asset, investment, and it bothers them that they did not get to experience those past experiences that she's had with him, even if it is an unreasonable ideal. It's just how it works.
On top of that, men has an ego that make them think that their partners will have ex partners all over the place. Make sense? Okay, in other words, say I was with J-girl, and found that she's has 25 different sex partners in the past. We go to a restaurant, and realized one of her ex's is there. Ah whatever. Then we go to the mall later, and we bump into another ex. Okay. Then we go to a movie later, and bumped yet again into another ex.
So... The idea of her being mine is really diluted in the idea that she's been around.
And here is an unfair perspective, a bit immature, but still mentally fitting, is that a woman has a vagina, an inside, where penises go into. So, the idea that someone else invaded her, before me, can be too much for a lot of men.
Anyway, I was saying all this in a macho, slightly-sexist point of view. Nevertheless, I've had partners whom has had other partners before me, and I admit that I do have a 'limit'. I can't get into a relationship with a woman that has had more than 3 or 4 previous partners. It's not just about sex. It's also about mental development from those failed relationships, and why they failed, etc, etc, etc, etc. Lots of things.
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reader, BillKi09  +, writes (25 October 2007):
Thinking about this I believe that it is this way for this reason:
Women can have sex any time they want, and men have to work a lot harder for it.
I suppose that we feel this because a girl who had many partners never had to work had, she in a way took advantage of finding easy opportunities and seen by guys as being hedonistic almost. And of course guys are probably also jealous that its easy for women to get what they want. This is really hypocritical of course, if gender roles were reversed it would be a very different world. This is kind of a weird hypothesis but I'm sure this partly explains why a promiscuous girl is slut and a promiscuous guy is a "player". I can't begin explain if this is something a society instills or its just human nature.
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