A
female
age
41-50,
*likenight
writes:I have been with this guy for like 10 months or so, we've been living together for that long, but seeing eachother for about a yr. And we were friends for like 6 yrs. before that. I'm 25 and he's 32. Anyways, we had a baby about a week ago, and when we were at the hospital a woman came in from the records dept. at the hosp. and asked if we wanted to establish paternity. I said yes, b/c he had never said that he wasn't going to sign her birth cert. and his family was all up there at the hosp. and everything, so they assumed she was his, and I know for a fact she is his and he has been totally involved this entire time and acting like she's his. When the woman gave him the birth cert. to sign, he said he didn't know if he wanted to sign it. And he didn't sign it! So she got MY last name, and I feel like a total loser that my little girl has no legal father. I grew up w/o a dad so it hit me especially hard that he refused to sign it. After the lady left, he just went outside to smoke, and he didn't talk to me about it for the next 2 days we were in the hospital. And I was extremely mean to him for those 2 days because of it, but I didn't tell him why..I figured he should have figured it out. Then when we were being discharged the nurse was talking to me and my boyfriend was right there, and she said "were you explained how to get dad's name added to baby's birth cert"? And I said No, but he isn't going to be on it. And she said "oh, you don't want dad's name on it? I thought you did" And I said no. Then she left the room, and my boyfriend was all teary eyed, but he didn't say anything. He was taking care of her better than I was at the hospital and he was totally involved, and acted like he cared a lot. So when we were driving home he said "why can't you ever talk to me, you don't want me to sign her birth cert." And I said you had it right in front of you, and you didn't sign it!! So then he said "well, I wanted to get a paternity test done" Now that it has been a few days since her birth, she looks IDENTICAL to him and his family. So there should be no question. That is the 1st thing people say about her is that she looks just like him. I just don't understand how a guy can be so involved with a baby, and love her, take care of her, etc...he's working like 70 hrs. a week, and I stay home with her. But he wouldn't sign her birth record. I don't understand it. Then today he wanted me to go to his parent's with him and the baby and I didn't go b/c I'm tired of playing house when she doesn't even have his family's name, and they don't even know. If his parents knew they would be pissed at him for doing that..so I don't understand it...does anyone have any advice as to why a guy would act that way? And no I wasn't sleeping around when we were dating.
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female
reader, penta +, writes (23 April 2007):
 Well, I do have one reason. "Boys are stupid."
Seriously, he was probably overwhelmed and made a mistake. I don't think he has a clue about how BIG the mistake was -- he basically accused you of cheating without having the 'nads to do it to your face. He may not have even been realizing it. He was just presented with this situation and reacted badly.
You made the situation worse by not talking to him. You have every right to be hurt and angry, and your hormones are probably all over the place here. But for the sake of your baby, there are some things you will have to work on.
You need to
(1) get the paternity test done. you'll need support and it's his responsibility to provide it.
(2) decide if you want him in your lives. Can you forgive him for being stupid? Does he want to be a part of yours and the baby's lives?
(3a) if no, see a lawyer to make sure you get child support and to see how you can be named the primary guardian. Getting his name on the birth certificate gives him both responsibilities and rights (visitation, etc.), but your daughter deserves to have his name there.
(3b) if yes,
(4) make sure he understands how he hurt you, without taking it out on him. He has to know what exactly his actions did so that he can apologize for them.
(5) figure out a way to forgive him. the LAST thing you want is to allow this to poison your relationship, or worse, your daughter's relationship with her father? (How will she feel if she hears the story and decides her daddy didn't want her? For her sake you MUST get over this.)
BTW, if you can't forgive him, you need to leave him. This can burn a hole in your heart if you let it.
(6) make it legal. get his name on the birth certificate. then either work toward getting married, if you can (there are legal rights that a wife has that a girlfriend doesn't (same with husband/boyfriend)) or look into what it takes to make this a legal partnership.
Good luck, hun'. The last thing you need right now is added stress. Do give yourself a break and remember that your hormones are adding to his stupidity, and try to be the rational one.
A
female
reader, bladefisher35  +, writes (23 April 2007):
hi honey, this sucks for you and you baby. I'sorry that this wonderful time is being tainted because he is insecure, and unsure of your love for him? don't sit in silence anymore, have it out with him. he is being emotionally manipulative, and suggesting that you were unfaithful, is just mean. Ask him why he doesn't believe in you as his partner and mother of his child. tell him how hurt you are. ask him to reconsider. try not to scream and shout. maybe he just needs to see your devotion to him and his child. explian that you are a unit, and as such, that means he is a very big part of that. you him and the baby are a family. time he ticked that box. Godd luck and best wishes. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that you can discuss this openly. don't be surprised if he raises issues that you just did not even consider, and tell him your there for him. But he needs to be there for you's too. also, 70 hours a week working is very stressful, ask him to consider an alternative work plan so that you's can spend more time together as a family. and try to get out and about as much as possible, with and without your child. this will assure him that life is just beginning, and it's not the end of the fun times you's have had. best wishes... caz x
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