A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:I'm so confused about sex right now. I've been in a relationship for 2 years and am just sick of the silly games. They're not intentional games, it's just getting complicated. I have a very high sex drive but it's not a physical need for sex (as I don't have an orgasm with a partner) it's more emotional i.e. I need to feel wanted and like I'm satisfying my man. He has a low sex drive and, despite spending his life before me having one night stands, wants sex once or twice a week.I just get sick of initiating it and him turning me down unless he wants it and me just saying yes and taking all I can get when he's in the mood. It just seems like I'm there when he wants me and a relationship shouldn't be like that, should it? We should both be in the mood but I say yes when I'm not because I hate saying no.I've told him I don't want to have sex anymore, I'm just feeling used and unsatisfied. I'm not being a 'hole' to him anymore when he's in the mood. Don't get me wrong, he's a great guy and treats me amazingly I just think his views of sex are warped. Are all men like this? Do you think his past gives away his views on sex? I don't even mind that I don't come, I know 70% of women don't from intercourse, but what can we do to stop this sillyness?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2007): I think you both have issues about sex. You should not need to use it to keep you feeling secure when you don't really want it. You also need to understand his feelings about the frequency of sex, so ask him. The thing is, you could actually be ideally suited if you both have modest sex drives.
Settling into accepting that you don't need to have that from him to know he cares could be key to your happiness. Making sure that your sex life is quality is also important. Loads of fun can be had from role play. Such as, blindfolding him and pretending you are someone different each time you come into the room, making him do what you want. Being an estate agent showing him around the house and slowly seducing him!!! Such a giggle, it should be fun.
All this relies on what you are personally comfortable with. I am absolutely sure that my partner only wants me, so I don't feel insecure pretending.
You can get yourself in the mood by whatever means you like before you start and warm yourself up. There are fun toys available which do the trick, but don't let them take over because men don't like that.
You could talk to him about fantasies that he has. Don't get upset about them though, if he tells you it is because he trusts you. You know you have them too, it does not mean you want anyone but him. The closer you are and the more open, the better your sex life will be. Make sure the boundaries are understood so you can feel safe.
Have a look at a website by Victoria Lehmann (she is an excellent sex therapist) and there is a recommended reading list on it which may be useful in helping you give up your resistance so you can properly "let go" and be satisfied.
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