A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Why Do My Boyfriends Always Leave Me?My boyfriends ALWAYS leave me, and I have no idea why. It's starts out all love and lollipops and then BOOM, gone. I'm pretty (objectively), and it's like they date me for that firstly and then get in too deep because they realize I'm actually a nice person and easy going. I never tell them not to do something, stop hanging out with their friends, or doing hobbies because I would HATE it if someone did that to me. Anyway, it starts amazingly... then jealousy seeps in and they begin questioning me after I've been out with the girls, or "who's that guy in your facebook picture", etc. But all I do is strive to make them feel super safe and cozy when with me (i.e. learn to make their fave foods, do errands for them if they're running late for work and i've got some extra time, take up interest in their fave sports, and show general physical affection behind closed doors and out in public, etc.)Then they distance themselves in every day life and conversation..... but all the while keep mentioning things about the future "Oh, I was thinking we could take a vacation to Madrid/London/Rome, etc." But I'm like... "You hardly talk to me any more!".. Then this weird behaviour slowly leads to fights and then they leave, claiming the relationship is becoming too serious...Let me say, I never.. EVER put a new relationship in futuristic terms, as in.. I never commit to anything more than a couple weeks away because it IS all about learning and getting to know one another. Meanwhile, they're pushing to make me meet their family and for them to meet mine and then they leave.Help... I can't figure out what is going wrong. I'm very confident in myself and try to make them feel that way too, but it never works out.. and they always go angry and left with scars of jealousy.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (8 February 2013):
 The "ideal girlfriend" responds to the London/Rome/Madrid trip with, "Oooooh! that's a brilliant idea. We are going to have so much fun." Problem is, you are sick of acting. You are angry with not them not reciprocating so you have had enough with being fake. The only time you got real, they ran away.
You think so much for them, and you get angry that they can't do the same. I think that's what happened. It's not wrong to be considerate and caring. You just have pick a guy who appreciates you and not take it for granted. When you are not happy you have to speak up. Don't bottle it in for the sake of a perfect relationship.
You also have a problem with guys chasing you on their own terms. They keep a distance so that they have room to chase you. You secretly resent this but pretend it didn't bother you. When they finally come back to you, you are done, you don't want this game anymore.
You have to find a balance between passion and connection. Some guys are able to keep in touch more, at the same time still having individual lives.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2013): I agree with CindyCares 100%, you are trying way too hard and it will scare men off because they perceive that as a little desperate. Never let a man think he is the centre of your universe - that sort of pressure will scare him off.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 February 2013):
 I disagree with the previous poster. I think in fact,that you try too hard , so they smell a rat . They perceive you act confident, but it's an act. You are tryng way too hard : cooking their favorite foods, running their errands, suffocating them with cuddles and attentions, boosting their egos ,... who are you, their Mom ? Even being very careful to not overstep certain boundaries, it backfires , they can feel the effort, the strive , as you call it, beneath it.
You are not being true to yourself, you are just doing your darnedest best to win Miss Ideal Girlfriend- but everything that's strived and contrived can be smelled out from a distance, and your efforts ,eventually ,subliminally give them the message , that if you try so hard to be " good enough " to be kept around, well, ..maybe you aren't really good enough.
I am NOT recommending you to play hard to get or telling you that " men love bitches " , because I don't believe in this kind of games and startegies.
I believe in being true, and being true is being true to yourself and your needs . It seems to me that at times you forget to put yourself at the center of your own life, you put the guy or the relationship in that space instead.
Example ? Confidence. Yes, confidence is attractive- but confidence does not mean being standoffish or spending a lot of time on your own etc. Confidence means being capable of taking care of your interest and assert it.
You say " you never put a relationship in futuristic terms "- why, exactly ?! It is your own deep seated need....or just the " politically correct " thing to do ? I'd say that , instead, if I ( even more if I were a beautiful young lady as I am sure you are ! ) have to be in a sexually intimate, monogamous relationship with somebody, heck, I WANT to know if it's headed anywhere, what the possible developments etc... and it's my right to know. Otherwise I might as well go to the bar downstairs and pick up some cute guy for the night , no strings, no bothering with schedules obligations loyalty and cooking meals !
Another example : you never tell them not to see friends, or drop their hobby etc. Excellent. You are being not needy. Too bad that it only works if it is TRUE. If you honestly can't wait for them to go join their buddies for a night out, so that you finally can wear your old jammies and eat a lot of icecream in front of Sex and the City reruns- whoa,that's life :) That kind of feeling. If you are " doing " the not needy... the little brave smile... a flash of disappointment in your eyes...the fakish " have fun "... something will betray you, and will reach at them subsconsciously. A cognitive dissonance- much better and clearer admitting that no, you are not totally OK with him going out that night, you'd rather him stay with you. So you are needy, on occasions- and ? You are human, you are not perfect -you are not supposed to be.
Naturally, I don't know if the above examples apply to you- maybe you are genuinely allergic to any committment over the next two weeks. Maybe you genuinely never feel needy, vulnerable, or insecure .
And still, ( even more mysterious then ) you are putting them first , and you second. It's all what they like prefer accept etc. What about YOU ? WHO CARES what they want and need - what about maybe letting THEM strive , letting them make you feel all cozy and loved up, letting them try for Mr. Ideal Boyfriend for once ?!
Until and unless you aren't able to do that , - again, not to be a bitch - but to have a relationship where you can be totally yourself, no masks, no " efforts "- and where YOUR needs and wants are as important than theirs or maybe more- inevitably they'll lose interest after a while, and they'll start distancing themselves, cutting communication , appreciating you less and less etc.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2013): Possible senerios: You are too confident and they run scared. you come out too strong and independent, you choose the wrong guys. They feel you dont show enough emmotion and want to spend time with them. Men love being the centre of attention and want to feel wanted, and they also want to protect and look after their woman. Also put off sleeping with guy until you know he is the one.
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