A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I recently dated a guy for about a two months, and it was very intense from the beginning for both of us. He spoke of future possibilities, and I began to open up to them as well. He then got scared, which is understandable--as I was scared, too. A little over a month into things, his ex-girlfriend showed up at his work and begged to get back together with him.She had cheated on him repeatedly, lied to him, and he was no prince to her. When they were together, he was quite destructive to himself--often drinking excessively, for example. His friends described him as being a totally different person when she was in his life. And after he ended it the first time, he spent the next year in misery, burying his emotions about the breakup/relationship, abusing alcohol, smoking, isolating himself, and generally being destructive. She had come back at least twice before, begging to get back together--and each time, he had eventually relented, only to have it blow up in his face. The last instance was about six months prior to what just happened.When we got together, he swore he wanted nothing to do with her again and expressed a desire to move on from his miserable times and destructive behavior. He told me that he was in such a dark place, that when I came along, I "saved" him (he couldn't think of a better word). After she showed up, things between us became tense because of his confusion and my fear.About three weeks after she showed up, he ended things with me, expressing that it was what needed to happen so he could figure his life out (he had talked a lot about not knowing who he was, what he wanted to do, where he wanted to be, etc). That he needed me to not be around so he could do it, and that he felt that I deserved someone who could give me 100%, and he couldn't do that--if we kept dating, he would only hurt me more (he had begun to talk a lot about how all he saw was him hurting me). And that out of everyone he had issues with (his ex included), I was the one he worried the most about--I think he was talking about sparing me pain.I was so hurt, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt, because I believed that he did want to move away from his destructive past. I supported him in making steps towards that, and while I have my own issues and things to take responsibility for, I think I treated him well--he would repeatedly tell me that I was so wonderful to him and patient with him, and he didn't understand why I was still there.And then, about three weeks after we broke up, he got back together with his ex.I am disappointed that he's chosen to hurt himself by going back to her, especially so soon after he ended things with me. And I am trying to understand what issues may be at hand so that I am not constantly blaming myself. I do care about him, and his welfare, and I am learning a lot about myself here--my patterns, my past and how it plays into things, and how to be aware of such instances and change my thought processes.What I am wondering is: Why do men return to exes who have clearly been horrible to them? Does it simply have to do with the abusive nature of their relationship? (they both had abusive parents--her father, his stepmother--and their relationship, according to friends, was filled with distrust, domination, enabling, etc) He claimed to me that he had been waiting all this time for her to come back to him, even though he'd gotten into a relationship with me--is that the codependency speaking? And, also, I'd really love to know the chances that it'll blow up in his face again. (That's the scorned gal in me speaking.) Is it possible for a destructive relationship to really change if neither party has done the work to help themselves--or if only one person has?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (2 March 2008):
 Understand this first. It’s not your fault. You can’t blame yourself for a decision someone else made. People in these relationships do this because they know their environment. They build their defenses around their environment. If you were too turn out this way, that would mean having to redevelop their protections.
The chance of this happening again is quite high. They haven’t had enough time to create real changes in how they do things. It seems as if they both have emotional problems. Just because you care for him doesn’t mean he’s the best partner for you. Maybe if he really changed and showed great improvement. Until then he’s going to be bouncing back and forth. That’s not healthy for any of you who are involved with him.
It’s nice to see you’re learning something positive from these actions and leaning more about yourself. It’s for reasons like this I choose to remain single. As a single parent, I don’t have much play room for emotional games. This was hard for you, but it sounds like you’re going to be okay. Hopefully he’ll realize where he is now is not the best place to be, and makes a real change himself.
I hope this helps. Take care.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2008): Hi there!Having come out of a relatively destructive situation not all that long ago, I can tell you what I know... which is that low self-esteem has a lot to do with the bad decisions your friend has made and is making. It's a form of self-abuse for him to return to a past GF who has made him that miserable. I'd say, take a look at which of his parents he has the most trouble with; the likelihood is that this GF is like one of them. So it's a form of repetition compulsion. You are, sadly, better off without this guy. You yourself deserve someone who treats you better than he was able to. Just because you're ready for a real relationship, unfortunately, doesn't mean every person you meet is. Anyone who describes themselves as having been "saved" by you is not emotionally healthy.Please think of yourself, and ask yourself, what do YOU want from the next guy you meet. Being proactive, and realising you have a choice, gives you so much personal power. Eventually you'll realise you never needed this poor guy, and that what HE really needs is a therapist!
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (2 March 2008):
 Sometimes the adage "the Devil you know is better than the Devil you dont know" applies. I think it does in this case.Some people are gluttons for punishment. It's painfully obvious that this schlub is one of those people. If you had had been dating for a year or two, most likely the same thing would have happened. Some of us just don't have the willpower to break away from the one who hurts us most.That is a passion issue between them that is unlikely to change at this point in time. God knows I've done it in the past. But look at it this way:Regardless of what you would have done with him relationship wise, he still would have held a torch for his ex. Why that happens is anybody's guess,but be glad that you can put this behind you and move on to someone that will treat you with the dignity and respect that you deserve!
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