A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I want to know why men do not feel that I deserve presents. I am in a relationship now with someone who (admittedly is in a lot of debt) and he just doesn't get me any gifts. For my birthday he got me a couple of books he picked out whilst in a coffee shop that sells books. IT was when we were having coffee he just picked two out when I went to the loo. Seriously, they were crap books that I dont want to read. I don't want much , just a thoughtful gift. Like if he listened and bought a book that I mentioned or something that I need like a watch. Its even more annoying because my partner bought expensive things for his ex but wont splash out on me. What can I do? Or am I destined to be one of those women men dont spend money on.
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female
reader, Accountable  +, writes (11 June 2010):
 I think he makes a lot of fair points - paying his childs maintenance is more important than buying presents.
I understand why it would hurt that he was willing to buy his ex things and not you, but I gather from what youve said that that isnt because he doesnt WANT to buy things for you. Circumstances have simply changed, and now he can't afford to. And if he is caring and thoughtful in other ways, I wouldnt let the present thing ruin your relationship.
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (11 June 2010):
 Guys, Take Note!
You could learn a lot by reading this question. If you read over it carefully you will notice that she did get a gift but it didn't count. This is actually a mistake a lot of guys make. You will notice that she wanted a "thoughtful" gift. Some times we make the mistake of thinking that spending a lot of money is what they want. That is wrong. Even though our OP said that she may be the kind of girl men don't spend "Money" on, What she is really upset about is that he picked out the present and bought it while she was in the bathroom. She wanted him to spend "Time" on her. It takes time to give a thoughtful gift. Women know that time is the most limited resource that you have and they want you to prove you love them by spending a significant portion of your time on them. So think about that next time a gift giving occasion comes up. Better yet mark your calendars and think about it a week in advance.
Now to the women, and especially our OP. Yes indeed that was a terrible gift. I know that, but I'm 44 and have read the right self help books. I've said it before, Guys are emotionally retarded. These things are not instinctive with us. We have to be taught. For example I now know that it is normal for you to compare the time he spends on your present with the time he spent on his ex's presents. After all you constantly compare the time he spends on you with the time he spends on anything , especially other women, even his mother.
I'm not saying the other women are giving you bad advice because this is a time for you to step back and look at it objectively. Mostly I'm saying that he made this mistake because he simply doesn't understand. He needs help, and you are in a position to give him the help he needs.
So Guys when giving a gift to a woman, Time is the important thing to spend. Girls keep the lines of communication open, and don't expect good results when there hasn't been training.
One side note, Giving gifts to guys is a whole different thing and none of this applies. It would take another page to explain it.
FA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2010): I am the OP.He got into debt because he bought furniture for his ex, expensive gifts but also because he got taken advantage of by his friends and boss (too long a story). Five years later he is still paying it off and has well over fifteen grand to go. I do buy him gifts, I used to surprise him with tiny inexpensive gifts for no reason and also save up and buy gifts that he really wanted for birthdays etc. I always make a huge deal out of him and he says I spoil him. Hei s thoughtful and loving, not to mention faithful but knowing how much he spent on his ex actually hurts. I have mentioned this to him in a tactful way and he told me that he really does not have the means to buy me presents as he is struggling to repay debts. I know he is not lying as he cant even afford to replace things when they break. he really is stretched tight with car payments, maintenance for his kid, I had to bail him out with money for the mortgage a few times.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2010): Well there is that culture than men should always buy women stuff (feminist double standards). Why are gifts so important to you?? Did you get alot when you were younger?
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A
female
reader, Accountable +, writes (11 June 2010):
Do you get him gifts?
If he's in a lot of debt I completely understand why he'd hold back on buying random presents.. especially if he has gotten into that debt by buying expensive things for his exgirlfriend; he probably does not plan on making that mistake again. The birthday thing is a little more unfair, because yes, we expect thoughtful things on special occasions like that, so I think you have a right to be a little annoyed but surely you celebrated in other ways that were non-material too? And you don't say how long you have been with him, but if it hadnt been very long at the time he probably wasnt sure what you would want.
So long as he's a thoughtful and loving boyfriend in all other respects, I'd give the present thing a rest. Not everyone expresses love through gifts; it sounds like he did not enjoy doing that with his ex-girlfriend, and wants a less materialistic relationship now.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (11 June 2010):
 Ask him, and be honest about your feeling. Maybe you give off a vibe saying you don't like being given gifts? Or maybe he just grew out of that stage where he felt the need to give gifts. Maybe his ex was horrible to him and put him off the lust to give gifts.. I mean he got her expensive gifts so maybe she was mean and not grateful, and so he just doesn't want to repeat that with you? People learn from their mistakes after all, he could have been hurt in the past or taken advantage of. How did he end up in debt anyway?
Try and see the big picture. Don't do the "you did this to your ex so you have to do it to me", it's not classy. Besides it makes no sense, you are not the ex and he has grown since his ex, so why would you expect him to treat you like he did her? Maybe he got her gifts but didn't do other things, and maybe he does those great things for you but no gifts. Try and see the big picture.
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