A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi there,I need some other thoughts on this matter. It is causing both myself and my boyfriend a lot of stress and arguments. I would be so grateful for your help:I have an issue with my boyfriend masturbating. This is because of the things he thinks about. He recently told me that during our relationship he has been going on webcam with girls and looking and perving at girls. He has apologised and stopped doing it. However, when he masturbates he still thinks about it etc. This troubles me because he says he doesn't want it and is sorry for doing it. But if he is sorry and doesn't want it then how does he get off on it?My boyfriend thinks I am being very unreasonable and says that is one thing he will not change.I am hurt at what he done and think that the only reason he stopped is because of me and not because he wants to, therefore I have a problem with him masturbating to it.Also, why do men have to think about other girls when they masturbate? If they say they have what they want and they get what they want?Please help!Thank you :-) Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, StrayTogether.com  +, writes (3 August 2010):
 TimmD and The Realist are offering good stuff here. As a female, I hope I can offer the viewpoint of having been where you are tempered with understanding more about myself than I did back then and a bit of where the men are on this topic.
Let me first say that you cannot (and will not) ever control what your BF or anyone else thinks about. Period. Honestly, this shouldn't even be a goal, and, if it is, you need to look at yourself before you evaluate your BF and his behavior.
Second, the times in my life when I've taken issue with my man's fantasies, use of porn, or watching girls on cam were times when there was trouble in the relationship. I felt insecure and so his opting to go elsewhere in his mind made me feel inadequate. But that was about ME, and I know that now. So, I say, perhaps now would be a good time for you to take inventory of yourself and your relationship.
Third, fantasies are NORMAL and HEALTHY! Have you not had your own? And if you say, "no," then I dare say you're not being honest with yourself (or at a minimum, missing out on some sexual excitement). Has there not been a moment during sex when you flashed to another time with another partner? To some actor you think is hot? I know I have and, whether I tell my partner about it or not, it doesn't dilute my feelings for him. Alas, the mind is the greatest erogenous zone and can heighten one's sexual experiences.
Now, with regard to camming, unlike traditional porn, back in the day, I felt like he was "choosing" those girls. Making that selection, combined with live chat and such, made it feel very personal and more intimate than I now know it really is. Now this comes from a female that thoroughly enjoys traditional porn. I don't, however, enjoy the girls on cam. (I'm bi, so yes, girls are what I enjoy watching when I watch porn.) I can't tell you why, but the live girls just don't do it for me.
What I understand, after listening to what he had to say, is that he's not choosing that GIRL. He's not choosing her for HER. He's choosing her for her PARTS. He may like her butt or boobs or what's between her legs, but it's not about HER. And, oddly enough, the girls he chooses are often very similar to ME. And he's not choosing her parts INSTEAD of mine; he's choosing them in ADDITION to mine. And on top of that, there are no feelings for those girls there.
Men are very visual creatures. Most enjoy and even need visual stimulation in addition to physical stimulation. Whereas us ladies need the emotional stimulation to get off, guys need to see things. Taking a cue from the guys, I've found that I also enjoy the visual stimulation.
So, how can you and your BF get through this? Instead of banning all forms of porn and fantasy, you could try watching it with him and talking about his fantasies. Find out what makes it exciting to him. Oftentimes, sharing fantasies can make your sex life better. It can lead to trying new things that you both enjoy and make the entire relationship more fulfilling. And communicating is the only way you two will ever make it long term.
At the end of the day, you can't decided what he likes and what turns him on any more than you can make him like broccoli or the color red. Nor can he change you in this way. You can accept who he is, and vice versa, or you can part ways. But you can't change anyone but yourself.
Good luck to you both.
Fondly,
Jill
StrayTogether.com
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2010): I'm sorry but that's a huge no no. Bad sign. I'm sorry but he does not, cannot love you. Get out now.
...............................
A
female
reader, nothing.lasts.and.nothing's.lost +, writes (2 August 2010):
 I think good points have been raised here, but looking at porn, and looking at real live girls on web cam IS cheating. If I was you I'd get out of that relationship looking at girls on webcam is not something men in relationships can do, this is unacceptable full stop. Looking at porn can be compromisable, however, if that hurts you then it's your right to ask him to stop that. And if he loved you, and cared about your well being, it would be no problem stopping, as it is a want, not a need. You say your boyfriend has refused to change and thinks that you are being unreasonable. Trust me, a lot of women would leave his ass after discovering he'd been looking at girls on a webcam. You have to set your own standards, don't be a fool to this man, he is bang out of order and you should not tolerate that kind of behaviour.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2010): This is a very interesting question. I have thought about it because I have never masturbated to anyone that I have feelings for. I think for me personally it's something perhaps a little forbidden and wrong, and to put that on a woman that I love always seemed to be at a sub-conscience level very wrong and since it was wrong, was not the turn on I needed to self gratify.
...............................
A
male
reader, The Realist  +, writes (2 August 2010):
 This is because masturbation is a fantasy act and its just not nearly as exciting thinking abotu the things that you can actually do with someone. For the most part it is completely harmless and I would consider it natural behavior. As long as he keeps fantasy and reality seperate there is really nothing you can do about it because you are both free to think whatever it is that you want to. This does not mean that he loves you less, its just his time to himself.
My gf knows that when I masturbate I think of other people or watch porn and she does the same thing. If everything sexual revolves around you two alone you run the risk of becoming bored.
Hope this can put your mind to rest because you two still have a healthy relationship.
...............................
A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (2 August 2010):
 There is a huge debate regarding this matter. Some people believe men are just pigs. Others feel there is nothing abnormal about it. My opinion (which is again, just my opinion) is that men are programmed through instinct to desire multiple mates. But I believe it more of a nature thing. We are just "built" that way. HOWEVER, please do not confuse "desiring" with "cheating". This should not be a reason for a man to cheat on his wife/girlfriend. Sure, the desire may be there, but we are evolved enough to know the difference between right and wrong. Good men do not cheat. Period.
When it comes to porn, the line between right and wrong is seriously blurred. I, for one, don't think there is a problem with watching porn. For many men, porn is just a tool to get off, then it is shut off immediately. They don't watch it for entertainment, it's to live a short term fantasy and then move back to reality.
To me, masturbating to porn is bad when it interferes with your sex life with your REAL partner. Being addicted to porn, sneaking around behind your partner, not being able to get off with your partner but running to the computer immediately after and getting off through porn... these are all bad.
Women's biggest reason is "Why do they seek it elsewhere when they can get it whenever they want?"... but it's not that clear cut. I believe we are fighting instinct more then anything. There are men that will never cheat ever in their entire life. These same men are able to masturbate to porn with one thing in mind - to get off.
I believe (again, just my opinion) that most women connect love with sex and that's it. Most men on the other hand are able to have sex with love, and sex as only sex (no intimate connection) Yes, some women do this also, but I think it's more men in general. This is why women have a hard time understanding why men may fantasize about other women for masturbation and yet still love their partners and won't cheat on them.
...............................
|
