A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My first love was with a girl who hated me. She cheated on me, made me feel like shit about myself and generally crippled me emotionally, but I was so dependant on her that I didn't want to leave.The issue I'm running into now is I meet these perfect, amazing girls who like me and the minute they start making it clear they like me I start to question things. Why do I want these torturous, miserable relationships? Why do I want the people I love to hate me?
View related questions:
cheated on me Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (25 October 2012):
 I read your question twice, and I can sum up what you've said in three words:
You are terrified.
That's understandable, when you have the emotional equivalent of Post Traumatic Stress. You're pushing people away now because you're terrified. Pain creates fear.
There is one unchangeable law:
Love *is* risk.
The reward is happiness beyond measure. The loss is what you're experiencing now.
Life is a risk. To sit paralyzed is a life utterly wasted and despairing. To risk means possible pain, but also the sheer joy of life.
Your loss is part of life. So is the future gain you are now denying yourself by your fear.
Learn to become intimate again. Your past isn't your future.
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (25 October 2012):
Hi there. It's not that you want people to hate you, no one wants that.
We all want to be loved and accepted for who we are, and there are no acceptions to that.
Because you had that relationship where the girl treated you badly and cheated on you, you have begun to assume that all your romantic liaisons with end that way.
So what has happened for you now, is that you simply don't know when to trust that when someone likes you, that they are being genuine.
We are not all the same.
Just because one girl treated you like that, does not autotamically mean they all will do that.
That's not the way it works.
However in saying that, because you believe that to be true, your actions and behaviours would perhaps push girls away from you.
And that's when the relationship ends.
It could be that when you start seeing a new girl, you have this thought in the back of your mind telling you - "I'd better not get too involved with this girl, just in case the same thing happens again. I don't want to get hurt anymore."
And with that type of thinking, guess what happens?
It's self perpetuating.
You see, what you believe will happen - going on past experiences - you unconsiously make it happen, because you are so afraid of getting hurt all over again.
You are scared that history will repeat itself.
So with that being the case, you are holding back from really engaging with girls the way you ought to be, which would build that really great rapport that is needed, that draws people close to you, emotionally.
So in other words, you short circuit that process and prevent it from happening at all.
Because the first date probably goes pretty well, and the minute you start to realize that you are falling for that girl, you begin to put the barriers up.
And when that happens, they just can't get through to you as they see you kind of taking a backward step away from them, and when that happens, they pretty much make the assumption that you really aren't all that into them.
And as a natural consequence of that, they also withdraw from you because they see what appears to be a complete lack of interest by you, in them - or so it seems, at least.
Even though that is probably not at all how it really is with you, on the surface at least, it definitely comes across that way to others.
And then of course, some time after that, they just end it or when you ask them to go out with you, they might just make some weak excuse that they can't go.
And that's the end of it.
And somewhere in between the beginning (first date), and the last time you see each girl, because of these insecure feelings that you have that you are probably going to get hurt all over again, you might be wanting to please them by saying all the right things and doing all the right things - and perhaps doing this slightly overbearingly.
And without even realizing that you are doing it.
In other words, trying hard not to offend them with some things that you say, and generally suppressing the real you.
The thing is, it's the real you that they want to get to know.
Even though you are naturally trying to protect yourself from getting hurt again, in doing this, you could be putting up a wall between you and each girl, where they feel they are talking to a stone wall.
Even though you are answering them, it could be in the way you talk that is not showing your emotions in a genuinely warm way.
It could even come across to others, that you have no feelings at all!
You know how sometimes you meet someone, and instantly you just get talking about this and that, and straight away you begin to feel as though you have known them all your life.
It's a warmth they project that shows they really care, and you just instantly like them!
You just know instinctively, that they are the real deal.
You probably have met people like that sometimes, and so you know the type of thing I am talking about here.
So it's possible that you have all that inside of you already, and it's just that you are afraid to let the real you come to the surface.
You just need to trust in others, and let the real you shine through, and be known.
Just let yourself shine!
Believe me, when you are genuine about who you are, well then others will always do the same.
And then everything will change, dramatically - for the better.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2012): I've had this problem a lot in the past. If I were you, I would look into codependency. It's usually brought on by a relationship to someone who was chemically dependent when you were a child. It involves one lowering their own needs, only to be constantly preoccupied with the needs of others. Usually, we will seek out that same tumultuous relationship with others who have an addiction. I don't doubt that you possibly have a low self-esteem and possibly think you don't deserve to be happy. And really, they don't need to have a chemical dependency. We are also susceptible to narcissists and people who generally have behavioral problems. Maybe try staying out of a relationship long enough to realize why it is that you're seeking out these types of relationships. Melody Beattie is a great author on codependency if you're interested in looking into it. Good luck!
...............................
|
