A
female
age
36-40,
*ariposies
writes:I'm having a really hard time because my boyfriend was arrested yesterday for domestic violence. Yes, there's a big long history, but yesterday was really bad because he came at me with a knife which he was then going to turn on himself (this is what he told the cops later), but his father intervened. The scary part is if that's true, it could have been a murder suicide situation. If he's even capable of such a thing, which I'm not sure. My boyfriend called the cops himself, but when they came, I told the truth. I feel guilty about that. So they arrested him and took him away. Now there's a protection order issued (not my choice) and he's in jail on serious charges for who knows how long because we don't have the money for bail. My question is why do I feel so guilty that he has to be in jail, and how I can get over this? I feel like he's in there because of me. I feel like if he never met me he would be happy and successful and not in jail right now. How can I get over this? It's too much, I hate that he's in jail because he'll never be able to find a job now, even if we're not ever going to be together again, I love him and don't want him to be at rock bottom forever. I want him to be successful and happy. I hate this.
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female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (20 September 2009):
 I totally understand where you are coming from. It's strange and confusing when you love someone so much and they try to hurt you.
You did the right thing by telling the truth, and it's understandable that you still love him. You can't turn love on and off like a faucet. Unfortunately, you have to deal with the fact that even though you love him, he is not healthy to be around until he gets his life together.
It was his choice to pick up the knife. It was his choice to assault you. It was his choice all the way and none of it is your fault. You can't make someone do something they don't want to do, and you can't make someone act on thoughts that aren't in their mind already. If he hadn't met you, there would have been another woman writing this same letter, so please don't blame yourself.
I think that you should talk to a therapist if you are having a hard time with your feelings. A professional can help you deal with and manage your pain and confusion.
Good luck.
A
male
reader, Red Green 0289 +, writes (20 September 2009):
You need to learn that his happyness is NOT your business, nor do you have the power to "make" him happy. If you think you do, you could waste years (and seriously loose your sense of self) trying to fulfill something you simply can't. Each one of us is ersponsbile for our OWN happyness.
He's hurting, but you didn't casue it, you can't cure it... it's something that likely pre-dates you... something that's hurt him deeply... It could be insecurity from growing up, who knows...
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A
female
reader, Azure Rain +, writes (20 September 2009):
I understand why you feel guilty. It is because you have a caring heart. You can't let your caring heart to allow people to walk all over you? I also agree with the previous answer that he would be better off getting the help he needs. Sometimes it takes tough love to really help your loved ones. You deserve someone who loves you for you and would never under any circumstances attempt or threaten to cause any type of harm physical or mental.
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (20 September 2009):
 This is not a good situation. Is there any particular reason why he would go berzerk with knife?
The only thing you can do at this point is try and support him emotionally despite the restraining order. I would say you two should stay physically separated until the order is lifted so you don't get in trouble with the court.
I think he probably needs to go through some sort of intervention program. The courts these days have domestic violence counseling and some other things available to try and temper these kinds of insane outbursts.
The real issue is what's seething underneath the surface. What could drive him to go this far? To want to kill someone that loves him, and I presume he loves?
This is something the two of you will have to work on together and separately. But whatever he did, it was a cry for help.
Please don't blame yourself. He's the one with the knife, and apparently he was scared enough to call the police himself. This probably means something and you should at least try and focus on the here and now, and worry about his success later.
Right now his happiness and your happiness count the most; and from the fact that you've written here, he means a great deal to you.
I know this is terrible for you, but whatever it is now, it means that he didn't succeed in what he says he wanted to do and so this means both of you will live. Its here where you have to start working to solve these problems.
I truly hope that you find some peace for yourself in this. Its obviously very disturbing to you and I feel for his father too. No one wants your boyfriend to suffer like this and you certainly don't want him to either. There's still a great deal of hope there.
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