A
male
age
41-50,
*ws377
writes:I broke up with my girlfriend of almost 4 years, 3 days ago. I thought I was making the logical choice. I am 28, she is 25, and I was her first boyfriend considering she is muslim and was raised to expect an arranged marriage. When we met, I was interested in her, but the fact that she couldnt be with a guy made me want to be friends with her. She was the kindest, sweetest girl in the world and she was smart, which was something that I had not really been too picky about before that. She came into the gas station I worked at, the first night we met, crying about how her mom had locked her out of the house and she was never able to please her mom. She loves her mom so intensely, but her mom did not show much affection or validation to her as a child, instead played the executioner (punisher) role. That first night, she chose to not live with her parents anymore and move in with one of her friends from college. She came into my gas station every night I worked, and I was always so excited to see her. I was totally in love with this girl. After maybe 3 months, she would get upset about past relationships of mine and past experiences ( I am a recovering alcoholic, I quit drinking a few months before meeting her) and when she was upset, I felt a hot knife rub my heart and I would do anything for her to make her feel better. Over time, she was more and more upset over topics that would change about every 3-4 months. I started going back to college and that made matters worse. I was either cheating, or flirting, or had a crush, or was accused of looking at boobs, etc... It drove me crazy because all I wanted was her and she was never happy with me which made me unhappy. Toward the end of my relationship, I felt so emotionally raw from trying to be a good boyfriend, to no avail, that my frustration with these encounters finally made me break it off. I was done at that point, but she would not have that and she told me how much I meant to her and that things would change and that we belong together. After a seperate break up, she had a short relationship with another man which she would tell me about and tear me apart,,,I decided to give the relationship one more shot cause "I would be damned if this man was better than me". The infidelity happened only once but this pattern has repeated for about 3 years now and I finally had enough. So 3 days ago I ended it, moved out, and now I live with my mom, at 28! My question is this; why after all this effort, and all this anguish I felt in my relationship, do I feel so utterly empty, hopeless, and why do I want her back more than anything in life? I apologize for the length and would appreciate any insight.
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alcoholic, boobs, broke up, crush, flirt, infidelity, moved out, muslim Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2011): Wow, I can't believe she was with you for 4 years and you guys weren't married. She musta been one heck of a patient girl...so she deserves your patience too. Don't let love go!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2011): Well, it's obviously because you are madly in love with her. If she didn't want you to leave her, she clearly loves you too. Both of you just have some maturing to do and that can only happen if you help eachother. If you want her back more than anything in life, you ought to tell her...soon! It sounds cliche, but it is amazing what flowers and a box of chocolates can do. Surprise her. Girls love surprises. What's the worst that could happen? Ask yourself if doing nothing is worth the risk of losing her. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2011): If you really truly loved her, you wouldn't have broken up with her out of frustration. People that love eachother are there for eachother through thick and thin. That's just a sign that the feelings you have for her are not true love, so don't worry. You just want her because you're used to her. She sounds like she's had major problems since the day you met her, and she doesn't deserve all the effort you put into the relationship if she never did anything to show you her love.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2011): i feel your pain. i was in a similar situation where i felt like i could never make my girlfriend happy and i let my love go. in my heart i knew i loved her but my frustration got the best of me. i realize now that i was blinded by my own anger and my ego and that it was the biggest mistake of my entire life. i miss her everyday, and it's been a little over a year. people told me it would get better, but it hasn't gotten muchh better. now she's seeing someone else, and there's absolutely nothing i can do. it kills me. if you really love her, don't wait a single day. man up and ask for her back. she will be flattered, especially if she's as sweet as you say she is. you gotta forgive her...she clearly didn't have the relationship experience to know how to deal with a broken heart, and if you guys weren't together, im not sure you could call it infidelity. life is too short. i've done a lot of growing up in the past year and men always say women are hard to please...but i relize that all most women need to be happy is to be romanced, especialy in bad times like you're having now. as for all the problems you describe with her personality, that is somewhat expected being raised by an executioner as you called it. if you love her, you will be there for her and hold her hand through it. that's what love is. maybe ask her if she wants to see a therapist. sounds like she probably needs one. why am i taking her side? because no one wil ever understand the pain that i carry around with me everywhere i go. it doesn't go away. good luck. by the way, none of the above applies if you don't really really love her.
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A
female
reader, Eskim0  +, writes (11 January 2011):
Hi there, first of all you cannot blame yourself for this girl's insecurities. If all you have done is try to be a perfect boyfriend, then you have done your job. All we can is try right?
Also, I must add, you're a recovering alcoholic. Please focus on your recovery and less on this girl who can never be pleased.
You can't change your past, so therefore cannot be guilty of it.
Hope everything works out for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2011): If you go back with her, it's going to take work. She has insecurity issues. Why don't you breath and take some time away, see how you feel next week? I always feel like, I cannot act on feelings when someone has a hold or my feelings, so own yourself first before you ask for her back.
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