A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend of four years left me three months ago because things weren't working out. I had lost a lot of confidence and was beginning to spiral into depression because of some serious issues that plagued the relationship. The sex wasn't there and I'd get rejected 90% of the times I tried to initiate it (this went on for over a year), she constantly tried to control how and what I ate (even though I already have a fairly healthy diet), she was the worst backseat driver, she would constantly second guess me on tiny little things (did you close the window, lock the doors, shut off the stove, remember to do this or that), I felt she talked down to me a lot of the time. I tried talking about a lot of these issues and how they made me feel but most times I would get passive-aggressive answers or flat out denial. Every controlling thing she did was always just done "to help". Over the course of our 4 years together I slowly stopped standing up for myself and lost my confidence, especially so through the constant rejections when it came to sex. When we talked about what was going on with the sexlife she would be ashamed and very sorry but could never explain why she never felt like it. I sometimes felt like I wasn't getting the whole truth. I was discontent with the way things were but because of my mental state I didn't really realize what was going on or what to do about it. Meanwhile she claimed everything was fine and that she was about as happy as could be. She still claims that she was all the way up until the very last day. Nevertheless it was she who made the decision to leave me.After the breakup I entered CoDa, a 12 step program for co-dependency. I started seeing my own behaviours in the relationship and where they came from. Some were ingrained since childhood and others a response to co-dependent behaviour on her part. I started seeing what had been going on with my mental state and started to understand what my own fundamental problems had been throughout most of my adult life. I started to see how most of our problems had been easily fixed with a bit of work. I honestly do feel that in between all the negative behaviours of our relationship we really did have a very special connection, a very good thing that could last if only the both of us were willing to face up to the problems and work with them. I was willing to do this work but she outright denies having to do anything, sees the problem as being entirely on my end and will not even consider talking about things or working anything out. She wants us to cut ties and lead separate lives yet she says she's forgiven me any grievances, that she loved me and always will and wants me to stay in touch with both her and her family.Through CoDa I have been gaining all kinds of knowledge about myself and have received many gifts in the forms of improved communication with my family and friends, truths about my childhood and upbringing, self-confidence and appreciation of myself and increased general openness and caring towards all others. I am starting to feel content with being myself by myself, I am proud of who I am and what I have and can accomplish in life and feel that I have certain knowledge that I will, whatever I do, be happy and content in the long term. I can achieve any number of great things, I have a good job with a nice income, I cozy and handsome apartment in the center of town, many close friends to confide in, more acquaintances than I could ever count, great health and considering the amount of interest I get from women these days, good looks to boot.All things considered, why do I then still pine for my ex? All of women I've met, as beautiful, intelligent, entertaining, funny and sexy as most of them may have been, none of them compare to her. I know "getting over" her will take time and in a lot of ways I probably don't even want to get over her but you would think that all things considered I'd not miss her as much as I do. I will have great days where she hardly enters my mind but why do I get days in between where I just mope around thinking of nothing but her? I guess time is the great healer but... I don't know
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2011): That's the way it is. Even if the person was horrible and you had a horrible relationship, and even if you feel great about being single and getting rid of the person, even then will you have moments where you miss them. Miss the good parts, feel lonely etc. It all feels this way because you were so used to having them around. And you in particular got a habit of needing her approval, so even now you still pine for her, wish for her approval of you, that you were good enough, that you're ok in her eyes. But you can't get that form of approval from her. You didnt get it while in the relationship, and you will certainly not get it now either.
Realize that you pine after her, seek your ex, because it is a habit you have. It is NOT because you need her, or that she was the one for you, or that yuo have a special secret bond that was heaven sent. She's a person you were with for a long time, who put you down and made you feel bad about youself, and therefor developed a need for approval from her, a need you are still working to free yoursef from. It takes time to adjust. But you will adjust. And when you're ready you can move on to seeing other women in a new light, as opposed to comparing them to your ex.
You have made great progress so far, remember that this is only part of the process.
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