A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Emotional dependency issue. I have been single now for four years and I can't quite pin point the issue. I like to think I have a wonderful life, great career, ambition, attractive, my own place, finishing a Master's Degree, blah blah blah. Regardless of all these wonderful things, a terrible void resides in me. I am not content because I do not have that special someone to share any of these wonderful things with. In all reality, they feel worthless if they are not being acknowledged by a 'someone'. I have never been close with my parents - my accomplishments are irrelevant to their lives. Makes me think why would my accomplishments be relevant to anyone else. The question I am posing: How do I get over this vicious dependency that essentially allows me to self-sabotage my own happiness?I know a loaded question. I've been on several dates with many people during the four years; however, I always find myself liking the person that tells me 'I am not interested in commitment'. So regardless of this clear statement, I permit myself to get attach to these people and become vulnerable with someone who can't provide me with what I need. Just recently, I stated seeing/hanging out with this really nice guy. We've only been hanging out for a few weeks. No biggy. However, I find myself extremely attracted to him. The day after our first date, he told me he was not interested in anything serious due to upcoming circumstances. Fair enough. Based on this statement I assumed we would holt any form of communication because I am looking for something serious. Yet, he continued to text me daily, we hangout again and made out but nothing else happened. He phoned me later that night to ensure I made it home. He continues to text me daily, and says remarks like 'might get attached-watch out' -- I was blunt at one point, and asked if he wanted something purely sexual - he said no and that we would discuss it. So we met up that night for a coffee and talked about it and he stated that he likes me as a new person in his life. I agreed. The following day he phoned me and talked on the phone for awhile and did a bit of dirty talking. But not much. So I assumed based on this dirty talk we would see each other the next day and potentially have sex. Nothing has happened. So this guy is different from most, but I seem to be following a similar trent were I tend to fall for people that are clearly not interested. We haven't really talked today, and this weekend he is going away. I thought he would have liked to see me before he left. Expectations are overrated. How do I not get attached? I know I am worth dating; yet, why can't I find a man that would like to date me?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2016): I can identify a little with some of your behaviour as it sounded similar to mine when I was younger. I was frighten that getting into a committed relationship would allow someone else to control me. I went on and had two children for someone I knew I had feelings for but for who I knew i would not live with or marry out of choice. I struggled as a single mother but I was able to achieve my degree,my career, my two houses etc without a man beside me.
I am now older and now that I have achieved, I have noticed my barriers have dropped and I have allowed someone close to me.
I have had some rejection in my life as a child and tossed around, I feel this is the way I protected myself.
If you are really ready for a relationship, you will give it the all but at the moment I feel you are half hearted. Test the waters and let the men keep running to you.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (12 February 2016):
 I think you cannot find a man that wants to date you because you always go for the wrong man. You don't delve in to much about your past with your parents, however am guessing you have a lot of baggage from your relationship with them. My guess is that you feel they don't care so nobody else will. You seem to be sabotaging your happiness because you don't want to get hurt. You keep the ones that are not interested because you tell yourself you won't allow them to get to close, but in actually fact these are the men that will hurt you in the long term.
What you have with this man now, might actually be the beginning of something special. It sounds like you are both communicating well, and who knows he may change his mind about a relationship. You just need to take that risk.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (12 February 2016):
 Maybe you're just not meeting the right people and as you yourself said, you're sabotaging by own happiness by seeking out people who'll hurt you. The rejection by your parents has resulted in you subconsciously attempting to alienate yourself from any real happiness.
You get attached to people that you know will leave. So basically you're trying to hurt yourself, knowing pretty well what the consequences will be and yet you do it. Maybe you don't see yourself worthy of love and maybe you're so used to the pain that you just cant do without it now.
Maybe you don't get attached to available men on purpose because that would signal something serious and a deviation from the almost self-destructive life that you've created.
Why else would you do something when you know its self-sabotaging?
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