A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:This is so embarrassing: I am in my forties, a grown up woman, an excellent mother, I have been told my son is a credit to me, I raised him on my own.My problem: I dated a cheating lying man for 5 years on and off, on and off as I wanted to end it but he kept coming back crying and I took him back.It is my fault for taking him back so many times and not standing up for myself, (the man was a bully and used to come and bang on my door, it is no excuse but I did not want my son to see arguments so I used to open door for him, I also loved him, why did I love a man who did nothing but undermine me, tell me other women were beautiful while he never complimented me. He ogled women, went to lap dancer clubs, he dated other women while he was with me.I finally left him 5 months ago (we never lived together, he promised marriage but had no intention of ever marrying me).He did not even give me gift for my birthday, but gave presents to all his female friends including his cleaner, (it is not about money but if he had bought me a one pound gift I would have been happy, just acknowledging me and my son), but he never did so, even though. He even had the cheek to buy presents for others in front of me.But the reason I left him so many times because he was a womaniser, meeting with women. I finally confronted him with evidence and told him to stay away from me.He sent me email telling me that his flat feels cold, big and empty without me. I ignored him and followed no contact rules.My big big problem why am I still thinking of him.am I psycho? do I need professional help. the guy used me, he was a bully, had a nasty temper, his temper used to frighten me. he told me that he goes to lapdancers and I should live with it, he dated other women. he ogled women and told me that all men do it. I should hate him. shouldn't I. but I do not. I come from a dysfunctional family. I do not have confidence, I am told that I am very pretty, but I do not value myself, I am told that I am a beautiful person (my heart and kindness and behaviour) my ex-step-daughter loves me and says the times she spent in my house while I married to her dad when she visited were the best time of her life, her dad lived with other women and none of them treated her as good as I have, she says. some of them used take her and her brother to pub and leave them there all by themselves.she says I gave her family life.so I am told that I am good person inside and out, so why do I not respect myself and why do I not know better.
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confidence, lapdance, money, my ex, womaniser Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Read-the-signs +, writes (17 May 2012):
As you were from a dysfunctional family you expect relationships to be difficult and stressful, that is your expectation based on previous experience.
Your posting shows bags of insight into your own situation, which is really excellent. I think you are already on the path to making better conscious choices.
Definitely keep away from that man, and call the police if he comes harassing you. You can do so much better than this. You really can!
A
female
reader, pinktopaz  +, writes (17 May 2012):
I think you're too nice and you're afraid you can't do any better. Going out, dating, and meeting new people can be a scary thing. The thing is, is you're way better than this guy and you know it, you just need to completely get rid of him.
I think it's natural to still think about someone that you love or at least think that you love when you still don't even want them. You're not going to just forget about them right away...then of course comes the times when you start to only think of the good times that lead you to almost change your mind.
Just remember, he is not a good person and he's not good for you. Change your number and your email address if you have to. You know you're too smart to fall for his lame tactics of "I'm lonely." He's not lonely, he has other women he can hang out with, he can piss off. Don't let him manipulate you with his B.S.
Be strong. He knows you're weak and that he can keep coming back into your life as he chooses. Prove him and yourself wrong, you're a strong, intelligent woman and you're capable of doing anything WITHOUT him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2012): You do know better and you can respect yourself...and you are acknowledging it...that's a big first step. You allowed this because he was there...he was a companion and there is no denying wanting to have someone share your life with you. Unfortunately, there are some men who have been behaving this way there entire life because women let them do it...they left that door open just enough and he continues to walk right through it...he is giving you just enough to keep you hooked, but he is not a man who can give you all that you need. As hard as it is, you have to let this man go...keep yourself busy, do things you enjoy, get out there and start meeting some new men...there ARE good men out there just waiting to find you, but you have to put yourself out there to get to them. Sure you are going to think about it and you are going to miss the fun times you shared, but take all the things you need that he is not giving you and use it as a learning experience, so you can move on to something better.Something I learned along the way.... (I am around the same age as you)...remember that list when you were younger of all the things you look for in a man? Throw it out and it's time for a new list now.....The new list is titled "Deal Breakers" and you need to list all the things you absolutely will NOT tolerate from a man you get involved with, and stick to it. Take the time to get to know new men and keep sex out of it for a while....it will be so worth it. though the majority of men mature and are as just as eager to get to know someone they are interested before bringing sex into it, men are often weaker and will give in and then the damage is done...meaning having that respect for you to get to know you first.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (16 May 2012):
 Sometimes we cannot help who we fall in love with. You know that this man is no good for you, but still there is something there missing in your life and it brings back memories off him and how you think you miss him. I bet though you don't miss him nearly as much as you think you do.
I think the best thing to do now is to write it all down. Write down on a sheet of paper everything he used to say to you, all the bad things he done, and how heartless he was to you, how he never cared and how he never well. So whenever you feel like you are missing him all you need to do is pull out this sheet and remind yourself why you are not giving him another chance. No excuses for him, he won't change.
Set yourself some goals for life. Give yourself something to focus on, something to make you feel good about life. You know deep down you are a good person, you need to give yourself credit for that. Give yourself credit for being a great mother to your son and also to your ex's child. Give yourself credit for being kind. But also do things for yourself and not others. Maybe take up a hobby, or do something you always enjoyed doing. Go out with friends, live your life doing things THAT you enjoy. Keep yourself busy and focused on a better future and you will begin to feel much more confident. Good luck.
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