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female
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*ande97
writes: Hello, please can someone help me. I'm a forty year old mother of three lovely children aged 3,5 and 10. I've been married for almost 15 years and met my husband at university and we've been together for 20 years. Prior to meeting my husband I had one other relationship with a man for 5 years but during my time with my ex I met someone who I fell competely head over heels for, that was almost twenty five years ago. We had a very brief relationship but I have never forgotten this man. I always liked him but for some reason he never trusted me and I always felt that he never would, as a result I did not pursue the realtionship. We were both young, meeting at 15 but not seeing each other until we were 17/18. I've always tried to keep tabs on this man and can say we are both professionals and practise in the same area. I dream about this guy and have done so on and off for the last 25 years, I even think of ways I can bump into him. The feeling seemed to be very strong a couple of weeks ago, as it has been on and off during the last few years. There have been many times when I seriously thought about getting in touch with him but have been too frightened or persuaded not to by my friends. Problem is that I have now found out that he has started dating my younger sisters best friend and I feel really unhappy, I can't think about anything else. My sister has told me that he still talks about me to her friend, this man and I have not spoken for over twenty years but I still feel so strongly about him. I can't be nice to my husband and have even thought about leaving my kids for him. Please help I think I'm going mad. Why do I still feel so much for him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2011): Wow!It's nice to know I'm not the only one. I have experience Limerence twice in my life. Interestly, I only got over the first case when the second case developed.
I am now experimenting with Loreazapam (anti-anxiety) for relief. So far the effects of the drug cause me to release the compulsive need for obsessive thinking.
I too am in a long-term committed relationship and have experienced the guilt and suffering that this behaviour engenders.
My suggestion to all sufferers would be to have a psychiatric screening and get some medical relief.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2010): **I have also thought about telling him of my feelings as a means to ending the limerence.**
I doesnt. I have tried. It does get better with time though. Four years after telling her how I feel, I can now stop thinking about her for hours at a time. I'm hoping for days soon. I'd start a calendar to tell which days I havent thought about her, but that kind of defeats the purpose.
We still talk several times a month, but I find it very hard to be just friends with her.
I cant avoid her, and this isnt working either... I cant even get myself to move... I was even thinking different continent. Not sure that would do anything...
**Here's hoping those of us in this predicament find some relief soon.**
I sure hope so.
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reader, Miamine  +, writes (28 November 2009):
 First love.. when everything is perfect, everything is possible, nothing gets destroyed by the passage of time, boredom, or everyday reality.... same as loving a famous actor, or a rock singer... unattainable perfection... if you ever got to know him intimately, you would find that it would be a let down when you realise he's as borring, rude, and downright mean sometimes as everyone else... the past is always golden in our memories, and the future is exciting, but the present is always borring mundane and irritating.. Put some spark back into your life and your marriage by doing new things to make you see your present differently.
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reader, Miguel-Montana  +, writes (28 November 2009):
 this actually relates to "the notebook". i hate stuff like this and i pray that i wont have to go through something like this but there comes a time when you want to think about what you want and not others. Please do what you feel is right please...
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2007): Like you I'm in a relationship - we live together and I have 3 gorgeous children (2 from my marriage and one with my current partner). I met a man at work who to top it all is thirteen years younger than me! The attraction between us is huge and he has made it very clear he wants more than flirting. I met up with him the other day and when he went to kiss me I didn't resist. Nothing more happened but I'm tempted..... I have never had feelings like this and have never cheated on anyone so why now?????
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2007): I understand what you are going through. I am experiencing it too. I am late-30s and married almost 15 years with beautiful intelligent children. I can't stop thinking about a man I met and cannot understand the attraction? In fact, the man I am obsessing over have many faults and would definitely not be good for me. He can be a bit of an ass, he is overweight and has no filter between his brain and mouth. And I find it charming?! He is not my type and would probably be actually bad for me. If we were not forced together in unusual circumstances over the last month... I would never have even given him the time of day. Now though... I am absolutely head over heals for him... I've come to know him and feel like I am actually...gasp...in love with him...he has an unbelievable voice and looks at me as though no one else matters and notices my good qualities. When I see him or am near him I simply melt. I actually get light-headed. I do whatever I can to get in situations where I am near him or in contact with him in some way. This is just completely unreasonable... my heart aches and I do not know what to do. I just can't think about anything else. I need to get back on track and start putting my kids and husband and job first. Instead I'm in la la land fantasizing about this man. And its not like my husband does not give me attention. He does. He is actually romantic and always tries to tell me how beautiful and wonderful I am. I just feel like I don't love him anymore and feel a LOT of guilt about it. These feeling have been going on from before this obsession though. I figure it's just a phase I'm going through. This has completely blind-sided me and I don't know what to do.I know that no one can help though. It made me feel better to write about it though and know that I am not the only one to get in such a stupid predicament. I hope it helps you too.-Obsessed and Upset :(
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2007): I too am a married woman in my early 40's with three beautiful children and like you, I am overwhelmed with thoughts of another man. This man, however, is not from my past but rather someone I met in the last year.
Honestly, thoughts of him occupy so much of my time that I feel dysfunctional at times and wish them gone. I just can't help myself from thinking about moments spent with him either real or imagined - - - it's all just too much for me to bare. I think what we are experiencing is called limerence, which is an involuntary cognitive and emotional state in which a person feels an intense romantic desire for another person (the limerent object). Limerence can often be what is meant when one expresses infatuation with someone else although limerence, unlike infatuation or a crush, can last months, years or even a lifetime. It can be experienced as intense joy or as extreme despair depending on whether the feelings are reciprocated.
Here is some more information on limerance from Wikipedia:
“During the height of limerence, thoughts of the limerent object are both persistent and intrusive. Limerence is first and foremost a condition of cognitive obsession. All events, associations, stimuli, and experiences return thoughts to the limerent object with unnerving consistency. The constant thoughts about the limerent object define all other experiences. If a certain thought has no previous connection with the limerent object, immediately one is made.
Limerent fantasy is unsatisfactory unless rooted in reality, due to the fact that the fantasizer may want the fantasy to seem realistic and somewhat possible. Fantasies that are concerned with farfetched ideas are instantly dropped by the fantasizer. Sometimes it is retrospective; actual events are replayed from memory with great vividness. This form predominates when what is viewed as evidence of possible reciprocation can be re-experienced. Otherwise, the long fantasy is anticipatory; it begins in the everyday world and climaxes at the attainment of the limerent goal. A limerent fantasy can also involve an unusual, often tragic, event.
The long fantasies form bridges between the limerent's ordinary life and that intensely desired ecstatic moment. The duration and complexity of a fantasy depend on the availability of time and freedom from distractions. The bliss of the imagined moment of consummation is greater when events imagined to precede it are possible. In fact they often represent grave departures from the probable.
It is not entirely pleasant, and when rejection seems likely the thoughts focus on despair, sometimes to the point of suicide. The pleasantness or unpleasantness of the state seems almost unrelated to the intensity of the reaction. Although the direction of feeling, i.e. happy versus unhappy, shifts rapidly, the intensity of intrusive thinking alters less rapidly, and alters only in response to an accumulation of experiences with the particular limerent object.
For example, fantasies may include 'rescuing' the limerent object from a situation of peril and being rewarded in some way implying reciprocation. Another example of limerent fantasy would include a limerent object proclaiming love in a climactic fashion, such as in dying moments.
Fantasies also are occasionally dreamed by the one experiencing limerence. Dreams give out strong emotion and happiness when experienced, but often end with despair when the subject awakens. Dreams can reawaken strong feelings toward the limerent object after the feelings have declined. There is quite a bit more in Wikipedia, which is interesting and definitely rings true as it relates to my particular situation. “
For me, what I find most disturbing is that I am unable to dismiss the thoughts that take over. Most of the time I am simultaneously thinking there is nothing I want more than to be with this person (and when I say “be” I don’t mean it in a sexual way) and at the same time I wish I could just forget him and move on. I have no idea how long this will last or what I can do to put an end to it. I guess the bottom line is I have to be willing to give up thinking about him and I can’t seem to do that. I have also thought about telling him of my feelings as a means to ending the limerence. I think if I were to do so, it would definitely put an end to my friendly relationship with him yet I don’t know if it would put an end to my obsessive thinking about him - - It may just make matters worse.
If anyone else has any advise, I’d like to hear your thoughts.
Here's hoping those of us in this predicament find some relief soon.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2007): Hi, I want to say 1 thing, and that is "This life is once". You won't be given 1 more chance to get your love. So go for it. But yes! confirm 1 thing before going ahead that what are his feelings about you after so many years. Being a female its possible that you still feel for him but men are never that much sensitive.
And keep 1 more thing in your mind that even if you finally get him, life with him may not turn in to what you have been dreaming about. Because you'll leave every relationship, present in your life, just for 1 man. You may or may not repent but be ready for all the consequences. And if you feel you are strong enough to meet all the consequences,,then don't waste your time any more. I'll say again " This life is once".
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reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (12 July 2007):
 It's pretty hard for real life to compare to the perfect lover / perfect relationship you have had in your mind for twenty-five years.
I don't have any counsel that could ease your pain because you have cultivated this fantasy for so long. I would imagine that you escaped to it during low moments in your life. I do the same thing too. But then, after the emotions of the precipitating event fades, I tally up the good that is present in my life and, for the sake of my sanity, choose to believe that what is good about my reality far outweighs what I am missing.
If you can persuade yourself that the grass isn't greener elsewhere then you are half way there. After that you have to reinforce this thought every day for the rest of your life, much like a recovering addict needs to conquer the demon one day at at time.
I hope this helps. Good luck and take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2007): I understand completely how you feel when I read this I thought it was me i am going through the same thing right now I constantly think of an ex of mine its like he has this magic hold over me and has done for years, I am married too and I am also 40 yrs old this has been with me for years and I have never shaken it off I don't know if it is a fantasy or if its real but I do know I constantly think and dream about him I don't know what to advise you but I just wanted you to know there are others out there with the same kind of problems so its normal.You know everyone is going to tell you to leave this well alone and you have a husband and children to consider and this will only cause them all pain in the long run, but your just hoping that someone out there will understand how you feel deep inside I do, but you do have to consider the long term affects you already know that so good luck hope we both manage to make the right choiceFrom one woman in pain the same
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