A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:i control my wife with passive-aggressive words,i challenge my kids about stupid things, stupid things that if my parents had said the same to me, i would have gone nuts about i try to control our finances so i can bye cannabis, spend to much of our money doing so.i really think my wife should have kicked me out before now,i'm not a very nice person have recently come off my meth script and conquered one major problem in my life, so why do i hurt the people who love me unconditionally? please help before i ruin the one thing that i have
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2013): I agree with both the previous aunts. They state their advice from the woman's point of view; and I agree your wife should seek personal counseling, and gain the strength to leave the horrible environment you've created for her and your children.The longer she stays, the more your children will be affected by your cruelty to her and your babies. No matter how you paint the picture for yourself, I pity them most. I bet your wife hasn't left you; because she's afraid of you, and how you would react to her seeking a divorce. If marriage is hell, a divorce would be even worse!You claim you use "passive-aggressive words" to control your wife. That is as bad as physical violence; which no doubt is the next step. If it hasn't happened already. I doubt you are able to keep a job and offer them any financial security. I doubt they can come to you for advice and affection, what a father is there for. I don't buy the crap about how you were treated as a child. That's the old criminal defense to justify behavior that made them a menace to society. I stand by all I've said previously. You have to wake up and turn things around. Even if you do, I think your family needs to leave you and start their own healing process. That is because damage has already been done. They can only heal, if your wife gets the courage to remove them; so she can start repairing what you've damaged.You admit how you've treated everyone. Now you're down on yourself, hoping someone will feel sorry for YOU. I feelsorry that you know what you've done, and haven't done anything to fix it long before now.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2013): You lack self control and are insecure, that's why you treat your family like this. You are controlled by your feelings of insecurity and your drug seductions.
You also treat them like this because they allow you to. Your kids don't have a choice. Who knows why your wife sticks around but I doubt it is out of love. But since you experienced no consequences for treating them badly, you continue to do it because change is hard and there's no reason for you to change since you haven't had consequences befall you. Yet.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2013): Short answer to your question about why you hurt the people who love you unconditionally; you just don't know any better. Perhaps you never had people to show you how, perhaps you smoke too much pot and are a tad narccasstic, But it's obvious you don't know how to trust and love people and you probably need a lot of counseling to sort yourself out.
However, I suspect that the person posing this question is not in fact the one who needs counseling, but his wife or perhaps one of his children. Perhaps I'm jaded, but I don't thing anyone who's a certified pot head and a selfish, paranoiac would go out of his way to ask such a sincere question from this website.
OP, if you are his partner, I would suggest you take your children and get out of the situation. If you truly care about him, I would try to help him from a safe distance where it doesn't interfere in your kid's lives. Expending mental energy about his issues isn't going to help you or your children. He's not going to change him. Like most addicts, he needs to hit rock bottom first before he even considers changing his way. And I think you taking the kids and leaving might be that bottom.
This might be a moment where you have to step up and take it all on yourself. If he's as bad as he sounds, you've probably done the stepping up before, but I would asking you to do it this time for your kids and not for him. You might make the choice to stay with him, but they do not.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2013): Fighting addiction is a life-long process. It becomes easier with time (for some people), but withdrawal from a long history of drug-abuse is going to to be an uphill climb, as you already know.You can't blame all your bad behavior on your drug-abuse. Deep in your heart you know that. Yes, what you described in your post is symptomatic of what most people experience when going through withdrawal. However, you were damaged before you began using.You chose drug use thinking somehow it made it easier to face life. It numbed you to how you feel about yourself, and made it easier not to really care about anything or anyone else. you're coasting through life in a fog. Immune to any responsibility for your actions.You definitely need counseling. There is no doubt about that. You are mean to the people who love you. Why? Because you don't love yourself. I'm not going to pour honey on this to make it easier to swallow. You pulled someone into your life as a wife, then added children to the mix. Your life is on downward spiral while you spend money on drugs that make you worse. Then you step back and ask if you are deserving of love.Yes, you are deserving of love. All humans deserve to be loved; but we all have to earn it and give it in return.You've taken your first step in admitting your problem. It is time to take action. Check yourself into rehab.If you have any spiritual inclinations, you should also allow yourself to reconnect with your spirituality, in combination with your drug rehabilitation. I'm NOT suggesting religious fanaticism. Worship helps a lot of people. Just don't get caught up in self-righteousness and judging others. That is as damaging as taking drugs.You owe your family a huge apology. You need to sit down and ask them what you need to do to fix everything that you've destroyed. If you are sincere, you will allow them their right to vent and tell you exactly how you've hurt them.I would recommend that you don't make excuses. Shut up and listen to what they tell you. If you want motivation, this is where it will start. Anyone would suggest family counseling; but that really begins at home. Families have to connect, and open communication. Counselors don't know you, they don't live in your house, and they can't follow you around everyday of your life. They can't fix your life, that's your job. You are a husband and a father. That's a huge responsibility. You broke it, now fix it!If you are for real, you have a lot of work to do. Now you can show all those people who've put up with your crap how much you really love them, and how much you love yourself.I hope with all my heart someone can come up with a better answer than mine. You need it and deserve it.Good luck. I hope you heal and give your family what they deserve. I hope you're not just sitting around smoking a joint and having a pity party.
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female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (13 March 2013):
 HI
I think you do this because it makes it easier for you to carry on doing what you want, If you can make them hate you it will make it feel less painful when they decide to throw you out. But you DON'T want this to happen really, which is why you have realised what your doing is wrong. It's easy to do what you want, boss people around, take things for granted including your own life, its hard work keeping things together, making everyone happy and staying off drugs. BUT you will have a more fullfilling life and have so much more respect and love if you just stop your self destruction now before it's too late and you loose the thing you love the most...your family. Are you having counciling? and have you thought about going to anger management? I know many people who have done this and have come out the other side Happy, life is very hard these days, I think if you can come off the weed, as this will make you angry, paranoid,irritable, restless and much more, not to mention can cause violent behaviour.
You need to speak to your Dr and get things on the right path, you get one life don't waste it on the one thing that will ruin it !
Mandy x
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