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age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I usually always blame myself for things, even if it has nothing to do with me or I can't do anything to have helped the situation. I don't know if this is a self-esteem issue or what, but I've always been this way, even while growing up. My dad was an alcoholic and I would sometimes think, maybe if I were smarter and got good grades he wouldn't drink. Even now I still do this because a close friend of mine started to go off on her own and leave our group- I thought if I was there for her or called her it would help. I did my best to show support, but I realized friendship is a two-way street and I needed to stop giving, giving, giving! But deep down inside, I still blame myself for everything, thinking how I should have handled things differently. I just don't get why I beat myself up about things that I have no control over. Why do I feel so guilty? I'm not trying to whine or complain here, I just want to get to the bottom of this! I don't want to live my life feeling guilty or like everything that happens is my fault all of the time, because it is really starting to stress me out big time. Your advice would be greatly appreciated!
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female
reader, fishdish  +, writes (8 December 2009):
 I hope it helps, we'll always be here for you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much fishdish! I appreciate your input and advice!!
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (7 December 2009):
I think that you had some good insight, that a lot of your guilt stems from how you felt about your father's drinking habits. The way we interpret and understand significant and potentially traumatic childhood events definitely has an impact on how we interpret and understand events at our age today. You need to understand that your father was an addict, and even if you were a straight A student, best child there was in life, your father still would have drank at that point in his life, because his body was physically and psychologically dependent on the substance.
Understanding that that is where a lot of guilt is coming from, you need to try to forgive yourself for who you were as a child and who you are today--you were the best possible Linda you could have been back then(sorry, random name choice), and you are doing the best you can now, to keep your friends, or whatnot. Or, even if you were a little rebel during your father's drinking, is that not understandable? You coped and behaved and reacted the way you saw appropriate at the time, and you can't blame yourself for not being a doctor or rehab therapist and curing your father. In fact, that was not your job, it was your job to be yourself, and to develop yourself, to be a daughter, and nothing else.
You are absolutely right about there being a 2 way street. You know, maybe that friend you had figured out that your friend group was good for her for a specific period in her life, but is interested in meeting new people or wants a different group that fits a different set of her needs at this point in her life. There is no malice necessarily in that. You offered her friendship and opportunities to stick around, and that's all you can do. You can't force her to stay with you guys, that would make her unhappy and you'd probably feel guilty about that! be happy that she is doing something for herself that she thinks will make her life better, and move on.
My advice for the future is be sure not to get walked on. Don't say sorry all the time. You don't have to live by a "no regrets" philosophy, but maybe you should try it sometime, it is empowering, and it may help you dissociate from this feeling that you let people down or fail when things/people don't turn out the way you had hoped. It sounds like you acted as caretaker for a while for your dad, or maybe for yourself when you were growing up, and that's why you really made a big effort to try to harness this girl back into the group, but you need to focus on you. as long as you feel like you're being true to yourself, and true and loving to the ones you love, then that's all that matters and the rest is out of your hands. you need to learn that you can't control everyone and everything around you, but you have full control over your behavior, your actions, your goals, and what makes you happy.
Love,
fishdish
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