A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My question is more of a concern.I've been with my boyfriend 3 years and we are very much inlove. We've talked about marriage/kids etc and at the moment were looking to buy a house. However I am so nervous, I'm on complete eggshells every 2 minutes thinking he will change his mind and back out at any second.In the past he has been unreliable but he has more than made that upto me, so why do I feel so rubbish when I should be really excited? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, frou frou  +, writes (9 July 2011):
 Bless you, this must be hard. However, I'm a bit believer that it makes no sense to say that you "should" feel a certain way about anything. You can help the way you act, sure, but you can't help feeling the way you do and so in a sense there is no "wrong" way to feel about anything. I'd also say this is actually a pretty normal way to feel when you're making a big commitment and your boyfriend has been unreliable before. Be true to yourself. Living on eggshells is not the way you are and not something you can sustain.
Although it sounds like there's no reason to expect the worst to happen, you shouldn't feel bad about preparing yourself to a degree for what would happen if it did. Don't see this as being pessimistic but as making your relationship even stronger by retaining your independance. Make sure you're legally and financially sorted. Also make sure you're emotionally supported by keeping or creating a strong support network of friends and family, and developing your own interests. Relationships involve compromise, of course, but don't compromise yourself.
It also might help you to think about what would happen if things did fall through. Obviously this would not be ideal, but equally it wouldn't be the end of the world. If he did change his mind, I imagine you'd be pretty disappointed, but you would eventually bounce back from it as well. After all, before he came on the scene you coped without him, right? And if push came to shove and you really had to, you'd cope again. I sometimes find is helps to try to answer every doubt you have with the question "so what?". What if it fell through? So what? So you'd be pretty low. So what?
I hope this is of some help. Best of luck, it really sounds like the way you're feeling is completely normal and more than anything, you should be proud of yourself for having taken the leap of faith needed to get so far. If you need to take things slowly, do. It sounded from what you wrote like you might be a bit worried about how your boyfriend feels about you feeling this way. You shouldn't be - as long as you're not being a dick about things, you have every right to your own feelings (actually maybe one of the few things we really do have a right to).
Above all, good luck, hope it all goes well and well done for getting this far.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (9 July 2011):
 NO!!!! Don't buy a house with someone who's been proven unreliable in the past and before you get married.
Here's why:
I don't have a problem per se with two people buying a house who aren't married, but if you rely on both of your incomes to pay for the house, and one person is unreliable (CHECK HIS CREDIT RATING before even beginning to consider buying a house!) and skips out and you two have a breakup, your credit is trashed, because foreclosure is second only to bankruptcy on devastating your credit. Add to that the housing industry that sucks right now, and you could get hosed.
If the two of you are already talking marriage and kids, my personal opinion is to get married before buying the house.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (9 July 2011):
 Because buying a house is a huge deal and a huge sign of commitment.
He has also be unreliable, so you are concerned he will not follow thru.
Those are called nerves.
Psst, since you are not married before buying a house, make SURE your name is on the deed if you are contributing financially to it.
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