A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My last two relationships have been disasters,in each case the relationships started off wonderful, but as time passed and we became closer, the men seem to become afraid. I don't know what's the problem. I am never outright dumped, they just disappear..cut off all communicates etc. I don't pressure them for any commitments, nor am I possessive, jealous, demanding etc. The interesting thing is in one case my ex tried to restart our relation years later. Why don't they just stay around in the first place. If I am so scary, why return years later? At this point, I no longer date. I am tired of promising relationships ending in mysterious break-ups, leaving me hurt and disillusioned.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the advice! I am currently working on "me", restoring my self-esteem, learning about emotionally unavailable men and how not to be attracted to them. I have started a diet and exercise program. I also am working on how to conduct "non-sexual" friendships with men. Your advice has changed my life for the better!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2011): You are probably drawn to and attracted to emotionally unavailable men.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2011): Thankyou for posting. I'm 23 and have the same problem and can't figure it out.
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A
male
reader, serenity80  +, writes (5 February 2011):
Are you able to ask any past guys honestly what went wrong? Ask them for honesty just because you are looking to improve yourself. Maybe if time has passed and they have moved on then they would be happy to do this? Otherwise, what about friends? Maybe they have some insight about you as a person that you are not able to see yourself. Or if not friends, could you speak to a therapist and work through the relationships and see if you can identity what it was that caused them to end?
Don't give up on dating, I'm sure with some insight and now with your maturity you would be much more successful.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (5 February 2011):
 and please forgive my brainstorming comments about wanting more children. When I brainstorm I start thinking of every possibility.
So instead of children i will also add:
In the 51 plus age group it is more likely that interferring adult children will be the spanner in the works. Not understanding why their Mom is seeking happiness.
Likewise some men may be selfish or resentful about the amount of time consumed by grandchildren. Or the amount of time a hobby consumes an older women.
Or a man may be worried that a women's health issues are more than he can handle, at some time in the future.
Or the guy may find a woman's rigid views (on social issues, politics, relgion etc) are too far away from his views.
Or he may find the woman's laugh annoys him.
Or her super house proud ways.
Or her very messy ways.
If multiple guys kep leaving then the woman has to examine the problem from every angle to see if she can discern the problem and discover the answer.
Of course she could ask direct of all previous men. But they may be too embarassed to tell her the truth.
Better if she discovers, decides to deal with it, and learns from it, and goes on to grow in wisdom
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (5 February 2011):
several issues are possible explanations, so forgive me while I brainstorm and explain the results of all the options. Some or none may apply, but as you read through the options you may discern some that apply.
First I get the impression you are just too nice to dump in a horrible way. Though I agree that just wimply letting it slowly end, in the ways you explain, are horrible.
It is very important you be who you really are. If that turns off some suitors, good, because that's a good thing. You want to be who you really are in a relationship.
And only attract suitors who really love who you really are.
So some of those possibilities MAY be (note only 'may be' - these are options only):
1. Going with a man because he finds the woman attractive initially, and adapting to his needs, compromising to his wants, accepting his directions, and being just grateful that he is in her life. But in this situation the woman may just be agreeing, rather than standing up for herself. And she may be shrinking from asking hard questions, because she only wants to selectively hear what she wants to hear. So she may not be being true to herself as she so wants him to be the man she imagines him to be (except he's not really as that man she has idealised in her mind). And he knows it. Eventually it may be that he recognises that he's made a mistake. But because the woman is so accomodating of his needs, and seems to love him so much, he feels guilty about ending it, and possibly breaking her heart.
2. Lack of self esteem can mean that the woman may allow the man to determine the direction of the relationship too much, not asking for what she needs and wants and expects, as required early on and throughout the relationship. Yes this will scare away the men who do not want what she wants - but that is not a loss.
3. Not having a clear idea in her mind of exactly the character of the man she is really seeking. Not looks, but character. And also knowing the values and attitudes that remain her core values
Because any man in her life needs to shate some or all of her core values and attitudes for long term harmony.
4. Financial situation. If either of you can't talk about it then there may be a problem.
It's a major fallacy that it is solely a small minority of women who are the 'gold diggers'. Some men are far more focused on monetary status than any woman will ever be. Given a choice of 3 women, all in stable employment, all very attractive, the man is most likely to choose the woman amongst the three in the best financial position. I never used to believe this, but my guy and his friends, in their unguarded moments have been heard discussing that this truism exists, for many men
5.There are many different variables that attract a man on a physical level. And some men even have favorite physical types. And when men choose on the physical alone (which is an inadequate way to choose) one day they wake up and realise that physical attractiveness is not enough. They realise they do not know the woman, or do not like her.
How do you ensure you do not fall for this sort of man? Get to know him. Find out his values, attitudes, character traits, likes, dislikes, philosophies, views BEFORE
you allow the relationship to develop too far. Talk to him a lot before you take the relationship to the next level.
6. Do not be in a rush to bring intimacy into a relationship too early on. If he's genuine he'll respect the delay and be happy to wait, while you talk things through.
7.men comfortable with their sexual performance are likely to marry the woman he thinks is the most mind blowing in bed. Men uncomfotable with their sexuality may marry a woman who is not demanding in bed (though privately will complain about that fact to other men)
But some men may leave a woman who is very very good in bed as they are exhausted and can't keep up:
8. Tarty versus motherly. Many men want to be mothered rather than enjoy an adult-adult relationship, if a woman acts too motherly she may attract mother's
boys who want mothering.
Tarty women easily attract men. But often don't keep friends with the guy. Because the men start to feel embarassed about introducing the woman socially.
9. Woman talking about her past lovers and her past experiences . What is in the past should stay in the past. The next day is a brand new day. Woman should discard all comments about previous men
As they have no relevance for the future. And turn off good men.
10. Family situation. Interfering relatives. Flirty sisters or cousins. Problems with access for kids from a previous relxMothers who are rude to a woman's new guy. Fathers who are scary to the new guy can intimidate the new guy.
11. Inconvenience. Does she have transport? Or expect him to drive her every where. Does she have more children than he can cope with? Does she want children? And he does not? Is it a LDR in trouble?
+ I will enter any more thoughts that
might help more .
Best wishes, Abella
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