A
female
age
30-35,
*pendy
writes:Why do I keep attracting horrible guys? what is wrong with me?:(?Am a nice sweet girl, am loyal, caring loving would never lie or cheat on my bf.Each time I meet a guy, they all seem so sweet and find me amazing and I'd think we're in love then they'd totally change and makes me feel like they hate me and become strangers.I've been single for 8months now cos my ex bf cheated, lied and dumped me. The only guy that I thought was different. I experienced everything with him. I loved him so much made me believe he loved me too. Little did I know he'd hurt me like this.Now I feel so numb and can't be bothered with guys anymore cos I know I will meet someone nice, sweet and he'll just dump me later.Am not easy, don't sleep around, am a clean girl, work out. Always happy. Friends think am gorgeous and the guys I've been going for don't deserve me.How do I break this cycle? I want a nice guy for once. Am sick of these @ssholes deceiving me.Hugss..xx
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male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (9 November 2011):
You're still really young, and many guys at this age are horrible and want one thing.You should get to know someone more slowly and find out what is important to them, for example find out their morals and values. See how they are around their friends, and more importantly, their family. If you look for them, you will notice red flags and behaviour which indicates he may not be what he seems. Generally someone who is a GOOD friend and values FAMILY who has good relationships with siblings and parents will not cheat, lie and badly treat you.
A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (8 November 2011):
 Next time you meet a guy you like, don't sleep with him for a very long time.
Explain what has happened in the past, and how you don't trust easily now.
Be hard to get.
And make sure you check out his past history, look at who his friends are and what they think of him, and really get to know him.
Don't draw too many conclusions about these ex guys, though. I don't know how many there were (don't think many - two?), but guys of your age are notoriously hot-headed and kind of tend to have girlfriends for only a few months. Ok, some of them don't, but a hell of a lot of them do.
Don't stop trusting, Just be careful who you choose.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (8 November 2011):
Hi there. When you said you don't sleep around, are you saying that you have never slept with any of these past boyfriends?
Or, do you mean that you didn't cheat on any of them?
If you didn't sleep with any of them, perhaps they wanted more and when they didn't get what they wanted, they left.
And if this is the case, well then they weren't that sincere after all.
If you did sleep with each of your boyfriends, well then it wasn't to do with sex at all, probably.
Perhaps when you were in each of those relationships, you might have given up your old life and friends and interests, and made each of your boyfriends the centre of your universe.
What I mean by that is, once you met each new boyfriend, you might have stopped going out with your friends, stopped going out at all, stopped pursuing your interests and hobbies. And then like a lot of women often do, you made yourself completely available to him with your time, and practically sitting by the phone whenever you were not with him - waiting for him to call. It's not so uncommon.
Women often do this once in a new relationship and they really like the guy. Believing they should always be available at his beck and call.
This couldn't be further from the truth.
Unfortunately, this can be a BIG mistake. It makes him - unconsciously - responsible for your happiness. And men very often pick up on this, and then can start to withdraw from you somewhat. And all the more as time goes by.
Plain and simple, they start to lose interest.
It also sends them the message, that you want to get serious - marriage, kids and a mortgage. Regardless of what your real intentions are. This is the message they get.
So what do you do?
Instead of thinking ahead to the future - and if there is a future with each guy - you focus only on the time you are with the man you dating, and on having fun and being happy in their company.
In other words, living in the present moment.
And to really balance things out properly, NOT giving up your old "pre-boyfriend life". Keep seeing your friends and going out with them - perhaps not quite so often, but definitely keep in regular contact. Keep doing your hobbies and interests, sports etc.
So what I am really saying here, is do not change your life at all at it's most basic level - just because you now have a boyfriend. Your life on a day to day basis, is a big part of who you are, and it's what a man falls in love with.
Without it, you become an empty shell.
Men love a woman who knows who she is and what she wants from life and how to get it. Men also love women who are confident, independent and slightly unpredictable. This keeps them interested and makes a woman a bit of a challenge to him. Men do enjoy a challenge.
They don't necessarily want everything to go their way - that's too easy for them (no challenge). Just to be kept on their toes a bit. Enough to make it interesting.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (8 November 2011):
 How long have your previous relationships lasted, and how many relationships have you been in? At what point in your past relationships did you think you were in love?
My best shot at this is that you rush into things and are naive. It takes a minimum of 7 months to actually get to know a person, and my personal experience tells me it takes about a year into a relationship before you know that person, and have seen all their sides.
So, if you declare your undying love and give these men your all and everything after a month or two.. well, then you have it. You didn't fully know them at that point. You got to hold back until you know them better. You can be nice to them, of course, and treat them well, but don't rely on them too much just yet. Give a certain amount of trust to them, but the rest they need to earn and show you that they deserve, and that takes time.
As you get more experience with these "horrible" men, you learn to avoid them as well, and read the signs.
People ALWAYS put up their best front at the beginning of a relationship. Always. That is how people end up in relationships after all, they are at their best behaviour. The hard part is not to get a relationship, the hard part is to maintain one. Especially as you get to know each other better, and some guys are, yes, jerks. Having a relationship end isn't a failure, it's the result of you getting to know them and finding them unsuitable. They are good riddance!
Also, look to yourself. What are things you can improve about how you treat a partner? Because when you do meet a nice guy who treats you well, and I think you will meet him, you'll want to treat him great in return so that you get to keep him.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (8 November 2011):
 Why not get a friend (male or female) that you trust to do an evaluation of the next guy and go with their recommendation? PS, most of us guys are easy to figure out early on if you ask the right questions. If you're as nice as you say you are why not find a guy through your church?
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