A
male
age
41-50,
*ingdomk
writes: Ok I need help in working out if I always push my girlfriends away, or if I'm just very judgement, or both. And if so why? I feel I do this by trying to find faults with them. I find faults which genuinely do annoy me and then make them feel bad for it. With an ex girlfriend it was because she had slept with 12 people before me and because she had lost her virginity at 14 and then had sex with two other people when aged 14. After that I always told myself I would never get with a girl if her sleeping partners was in double figures or if she had had a threesome. Then I met my current girlfriend and just like with my ex everything was going great until I realized she loved me. Then as soon as I realized this I start finding faults with her, although she has only had seven sleeping partners before me and didn't loose her virginity till 18 I now have new faults, such as..... I'm not happy with the way she slept with them (a one night stand, and others who she wasn't really truly committed too). And the fact she has had an abortion before (it makes me sick thinking of another mans baby inside her womb, although she had the abortion early at 4 weeks). The thing is I'm not even sure if these things do bother me (they feel like hey do) or if I'm just looking for excuses to push them away or get them to push me away.Its as if I'm looking for someone perfect, without ANY flaws, but sometimes I think even if I found that I would still find something that annoys me about them, then I would make them feel bad about it, then they would push me away or I would push them away or both.Some people have suggested it could be because I'm insecure, but I honestly don't feel insecure. Is it possible to be insecure but not feel that you are? I just feel if I knew why I did this I could cure myself. When I was with my ex I would have killed to have a girlfriend with only seven sleeping partners before me, with no threesomes and not losing her virginity until she was 18, but now I have that I'm still not happy, I feel Ill never be happy, no matter who they are, WHY?????
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abortion, ex girlfriend, insecure, my ex, one night stand, threesome Reply to this Question
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female
reader, ca girl  +, writes (15 July 2010):
I think you just haven't found the right girl yet. Someone you can respect and trust, worthy of your unconditional love.
A
male
reader, kingdomk +, writes (13 July 2010):
kingdomk is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much for your answers.
One point I feel I should mention is that I have 11/12 (depending on how you count 1 of them lol :s) sleeping partners, and my current GF only has 7.
So I dont think I could be insecure about that, and yes I know that makes me a bit of a hypocrit, I dont want to be, I dont want to feel like this but I cant help it.
We both lost are virginity at 18, perhaps she lost it a little before mine, but shes only 21 and Im 26 so I lost mine before her if that makes any sence.
And yes maybe I am scared of love or actually BEING LOVED and therefore push them away.
Anyway thanks for the input guys, anymore would be greatly appreciated!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2010): I also think your afraid to love and think that you believe you are not worth loving,if a girl loves you surely you`d be able to see that in the way she treats you,love is the most amasing feeling dont be scared to feel this way you will enjoy your life better
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A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (13 July 2010):
 Maybe you find faults because you don't feel you deserve these women, so you push them away before they push you away, and that way you can at least feel like you're in control of your heartache. Perhaps deep down inside you assume she will find out your faults and leave you. It's a protection-mechanism. When you are in love with someone, there is a sense of feeling out of control. For some people that is a real mind f**k. On the other hand, if you go on a fault-finding tour with every woman you love you will never have anything special with anyone. Perhaps if you looked at your history, your life, your failures under the same microscope, as if the woman you love is seeing them (although I'm sure you've carefully hidden them) you might realize that no one is perfect. Accepting people, and being open minded about others is a sure sign of maturity. Yes, you probably do feel a little insecure when a woman has had too many lovers, that in itself is not uncommon, but the pattern you described is sabotagal in nature and preventing you from having healthy, happy, lasting relationships.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2010): It sounds like you are afraid to love. That if you find fault you can get your mind onto their faults instead of something you are avoiding. I don't what you are avoiding though, sorry.
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A
male
reader, kev2010  +, writes (13 July 2010):
hi, after going through your query i feel that you have been through an equally similar situation yourself. as in you too have been judged by someone in your life, someone who meant a lot to you and maybe you loved a lot.
today you are judging someone else in your life in the same manner. i can say this because i have been through a similar situation.
anyways, my take on this is that you should accept one fact in your life, and that is no one in this world is perfect. or no one in this world will a mirror image of what we want them to be.everyone is different, and we have to learn to accept them the way they are. what matters is how a person is to you when she is with you. her past should not matter to you 'IF' your in love with that person. as your past may not be too pretty too.
"if" you are not in love and intend not to take a relationship seriously, then it only shows that your ego has been hurt as to how a girl can get more sexual partners than you. or how she can be more experienced than you. here is where a male ego is hurt. you cannot accept the fact that a girl can lose her virginity at a early age and be more experienced than you, this actually gives you a feeling of insecurity as whether the girl will judge you against all her past experiences and if you will be able to measure up to them.
if not then please do not judge anyone, as i have told you earlier that past does not count, its then present that should be made beautiful.
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