A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Help! I'm dating this girl I really like for a few months. Problem is I end up paying every time we're out and she never, ever offers to pay. I've talked to her about this but she says I'm the first guy she's dated who complained. I really like her so how do I change this? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Gauntlet  +, writes (6 January 2014):
 In one word like in hundred: STOP ! It's high time to put an end to this crazyness. Save your life with your money. Make the puppet master be the puppet. Burst your own French Revolution, as the day to cut your Queen's head has come.
Understood or do I have to write down some more metaphores ?
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2014): OP, the advice you've been given is spot-on. May I add to it by saying that her behavior is not indicative of love and likely a harbinger of things to come. If it was me, I'd have run for the exit by now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2014): She believes our replies are a bit "unrealistic"?
In other words she knows guys will be stupid enough to pay her way when they can't afford it.
OP all I can say is she must give amazing blow jobs or something because I can't see why you'd put up with that.
I mean I'm a man with means enough to support her and all her friends at the same time and even I wouldn't put up with that crap.
OP you say you really like her, well what do you think she likes about you? If you stop paying what happens? Then she can't really like you then more than what you provide for her financially.
It sounds to me like you're dating in the wrong circles OP. I had a glimpse into similar circles when I came into my fortune, me and my wife tried out some of luxurious places they hang out on our honeymoon and met quite a few people like that. There is nothing wrong with that life if you can afford it, but you can't. A man who is rich can very definitely have a long and happy relationship with a beautiful young woman whose sole aim in life is to be taken care of. We met a few couples like that and it works for them so I can't knock it when the situation is right for that but you're not that guy OP.
You're trying to sustain a relationship with a woman whose needs far outstretch your means.
You obviously like her enough that you're willing to be bankrupt yourself for this woman and I mean in terms of emotion. Because OP, she's not in this for you, she's in for what she can get off you, nothing else and frankly you sound like a stop gap until she can find her rich man to be her permanent sugar daddy.
If you're looking for fulfilment this woman is not for you, if you're looking for some company and sex then fine, she'll provide as much of that as you can afford to buy.
Walk away OP, you're too different. There are plenty of rich idiots that will suit her better and you should date women with some kind of respect for you and a hope that you can provide for them in more ways than just financially.
Basically Op you're selling yourself short and settling for a woman who is not right for you.
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A
female
reader, Brokenv +, writes (2 January 2014):
Are you desperate?
I'm female and I would no more expect my male partner to pay all the time! That is not a equal relationship.
Who are you dating? The princess of Canada?
It comes down to two choices.....your CHOICE....you keep paying or you let her go and find someone else who loves and respects you.
Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (1 January 2014):
 All I can say is she must have some pretty attractive assets in order to cleave her way into your wallet!! lol ain't it the truth!!!
good luck!!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (1 January 2014):
 I'm guessing that is WHY she was single in the first place? She want to do the whole MEN should pay for everything, but she also wants equality, right?
I think there are some women who want the guy to pay, because they think if he can pay he can take care of a family. The thing is, that might have worked in the 1950's when the majority of women didn't work.
She is dismissing you over and over when you bring it up, in hopes that you will SHUT up and pay. Is that really a women who is interested in you? That you want to be with?
Sorry, I have never paid on a date (EVER) but I have ALWAYS brought money and ALWAYS offered and always been WILLING and able to pay.
Her sense of entitlement is ridiculous - unless yo live in a place with 1 woman to 10 men - then I can see her "worth" being different. In the sense that SOME women would take full advantage. (I'm sure some men would too, but we are talking women here.)
Good luck, you can keep trying and ask her to pay, but you will get nowhere. She has already deemed to subject closed and she will not change her mind.
Now I can see later on in a relationship that a man can "shower" his lady with "gift" but I also don't buy into the notion that it is the NORM - in any country.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (1 January 2014):
 She's reading this? Or, you're telling her about this?
Oooh!
Have her try THIS out for size:
If she is using Gender roles as her reason for making you pay all the time, tell her that she must submit herself to ALL of the outdated gender roles. Let me pull out some other gender roles of the era of men constantly paying:
She needs to cook, clean, service her man with a martini and slippers every day. She needs to have at least 5 children and change every single diaper herself. She needs to be submissive to her man at all times, greet him fully made up every afternoon with a smile on her face and never burden you with her problems, as you're the man and you have so many more problems than she could ever have. She needs to wash and iron your clothes, do all of the grocery shopping and errands, keep garden and remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries. She needs to do dishes too and the meals she makes for you? Heaven forbid she ever uses a box dinner or a mix that is pre-made. She must always wear dresses and keep herself at the peak of beauty no matter what's happened throughout the day, and after a long day of keeping house, she needs to please you in bed no matter how she feels about it. If a kid wakes up sick, or if there is a baby in the house, she must get up to take care of them because you are the man, and you need your sleep. She needs to never vote, nor pay attention to news or politics because that is a man's job. In fact, she needs to stay out of clubs from here on out because a lady has no business dancing now that she has a man.
You tell her that if she is asserting an outdated gender role, she needs to live and die by ALL of them. By the way, why is she even having an opinion in the first place? Women should be seen and not heard. She should spend less time spending your money and more time making you a sandwich and serving it to you naked like the good Little Woman she is.
(to the other aunts, sorry about that! heh)
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (1 January 2014):
 You are correct OP you have three choices..
let her continue to have her unrealistic and freeloading ways
I have to admit that growing up I was taught "boys" paid" and I always went with that belief but I see now if women are working and earning like men do now that it should be MORE equal AND if the man says something about it, a woman should offer to do what she can. IF after being told she's out of line and needs to pay more and gives you the response that our replies are unrealistic... clearly she's in this not for YOU but rather what YOU can do for HER financially.
END it with her totally
probably not the best idea for you until you meet someone new.
or third option... only see her casually and informally and ask for out on cheaper dates... no dinners in fine restaurants.. no concerts.. stick to movies and pub night...
and only do it every few weeks... meanwhile make it VERY clear that you are NOT exclusive and you will be seeking better accommodations.
If it was me, you've had these talks with her, I'd go for option three.. making it very clear you are seeking a better date.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (1 January 2014):
Ok so with everything you know, everything you feel about this situation and every bit of advice given here...do you think it's worth continuing with her?
If the answer is YES, then that is a declaration that you accept she's a bit of a freeloader, that it's worth putting up with just so you can hang out with a 'hot' girlfriend and that there is absolutely no way that she will ever change.
If you were a multi millionaire old fart like 'J. Howard Marshall' and you were 'paying' for the pleasure of an 'Anna Nicole Smith' then there is a fair amount of 'justification' for paying through the nose for the pleasures of such a woman...but you arn't, you are a regular guy who can't really afford the 'Anna Nichol'...and she knows that, but she's going to get what she can, while she can (and she's bare faced telling you that you will and must PAY!!)...
Is it still worth it?
No right or wrong answer, you just can't change how she is so you either suck it up or you don't.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust an update. Last night at a club I paid a fortune and she paid zilch. When I brought this up she said it's a guys job to take care of a woman on a date. She believes your replies are a bit unrealistic. I guess I'm left with either dumping her or going out with her less.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (31 December 2013):
pay her rent? WTF?
umm is she not an adult?
sounds to me like emotionally, mentally and financially she is high maintenance and possibly not worth it.
Other than grief and worry what are you getting out of the relationship?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (31 December 2013):
Wow, you are "lucky" she isn't asking for you to pay her rent?
Sorry that is more then high maintenance that is TAKING advantage of a guy.
She better have a magical snatch.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (31 December 2013):
I was thinking "age gap" as well. OP is 36-40, so I was wondering if the girlfriend is 18-25, in which case it's her using him to get what she wants. A whole coterie of gold diggers...yeesh. And they say porn is degrading. I think this is more degrading.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2013): I can't speak about Toronto or what women are like there or their customs but it honestly sounds to me more of a clique thing than all women there being gold diggers but perhaps I'm wrong.
But this to me is the end and a total deal breaker if those are her exact words "her girlfriends are being treated much better."
OP you make it sound like she makes you feel inferior or not up to scratch, she makes it sound like she's being charitable on you by not expecting as much as her girlfriends.
Is this an age gap thing OP, because it kind of sounds like she's very immature.
I mean I could kind of understand this if she's a 'hot young model' you kind of need to pay for.
OP I'll say it again, unless the sex is utterly amazing, she's half your age and would win miss Canada tomorrow then you should walk.
Even then the price is too high for anything long term.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (31 December 2013):
 Why the hell would you be expected to pay the rent and what sort of mature, self sufficient adult would expect you too?
As for being 'showered with jewellry' well we all like to get presents, but lets be realistic, what does it say about the relationship when one is always the payer and the other the payee? Seems very business like to me, tell her you expect your relationship to have a little more give and take, rather than it be all take on her side and all give on yours.
If things don't improve I would seriously consider ending it, you will just get more and more frustrated and start to feel resentful, and that's not nice for you.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (31 December 2013):
Is she a girlfriend or a paid escort/prostitute, and why the hell would she ask you to pay her rent if you don't live there?!? And she's "going easy" on you? That entitlement attitude makes me want to seriously vomit.
I love to feel pampered by a guy because it makes me feel special. But that goes both ways! I don't consider sex to be a barter tool to get free stuff, and the very notion is disgusting to me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Ciar, Yes, I was wondering if she's high maintenance. But she says she doesn't expect as much from me as she would other guys. Also friends have told me I should be grateful she hasn't asked me to pay her rent. With my factory job she might be out of my league. That's what worries me.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (30 December 2013):
 In your original post you said you were having an issue with this particular woman, not women in general. If you were encountering this problem on a regular basis you'd have said so. Your own post is proof that she is in the minority.
My younger sisters have a friend like this. She is rather high maintenance, even for her women friends. Years ago her boyfriend bought her expensive diamond earrings for her birthday. She was outraged because he didn't intuit that she wanted a certain very expensive perfume instead. It should come as no surprise that relationship ended shortly afterward and she's been single and lonely ever since.
Would it be a mistake to cut this one loose? No, but it's subjective. If you enjoying being with her so much that you're willing to cover the cost of everything, then continue enjoying her company. Remember though, that she is unlikely to be any different as a wife than as a date so invest accordingly.
Personally, I would lose interest in someone who didn't even offer, at least some of the time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, she works. Problem is I've met her friends and they get showered with jewelry from boyfriends. I also heard this is just the way young women in Toronto are. Still she could offer to pay at times. I'm here cause I'm so confused at the moment as to whether to dump her.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (30 December 2013):
 If you were brought up in America, you may have been taught that it's not the woman's "place" to pay for a meal on a date. Chilvelry is not dead it's just being ignored by some.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (30 December 2013):
You may be the first to give voice to your displeasure but the other men before you all voted with their feet.
Treat her when you invite her, but cut down on the invitations. If she mentions it just tell her she is the first woman you've dated who complained.
You can't change her, OP. You can only alter your own choices based on the information you have. She clearly isn't worried about losing you and nor should she be. Men who are willing to pay for the chance to have sex are in plentiful supply. So when the tap starts to trickle, don't be surprised when she moves on. Let her go and apply what you've learned to the next woman.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI've tried talking to her, she says she's going easy on me and her girlfriends are being treated much better. I've met some of them and it seems they are being showered with jewelry from their boyfriends. Some of my friends say this is just the way young women in Toronto are. I know she can do better but I don't think the situation is fair. I'm so confused at the moment.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (30 December 2013):
So Very Confused...best answer!!
Couldn't have said it better :-)
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 December 2013):
Does she work? Is there a huge difference in jobs/pay between you that makes her think she can't afford it or is it just her way of thinking that the man pays for everything?
My guess is the latter (which isn't totally strange for your age group) but.... If you have brought it up and she just tells you OTHER men have always paid, she is basically telling to pay or walk away. I'd walk away. Because this won't be the only aspect she will expect you to pay.
You could if you like the girl try and not go out on dates that cost money, see how she feels.
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A
female
reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (30 December 2013):
 I feel the same as brown wolf Im spending money only on people who love me. I have spent money on guys and girls for dates and movies and what not. I have also but rarely barely had dates or acquaintances spend money on me and when I did I wasn't use to it cause I usually spend money when I have it. To spare for activities on friends and families that I love and that love me too.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2013): Are you getting your money's worth in terms of sex? If not then just start making sure you do until you dump her.
I mean if she wants to act like a prostitute then treat her like one.
She won't pay her way financially and she's made that clear, just make it a barter arrangement for sex.
I don't mean that in as harsh a way as it sounds, I just mean some people have other things to offer than half the bill.
I mean I certainly wouldn't date her but if the sex was good and frequent then maybe it's worth the price for you.
Very often gold diggers are the cheapest of the lot because you don't have to put any thought or emotion into it, just pay them for their time, company and sex. Gold diggers are basically just a long term escort service.
If that doesn't sit well with you then walk away, because frankly OP it's too one sided and I'm guessing a real escort would be cheaper too.
When it comes to women who insist you pay their way then I treat them like any other business transaction and ensure I get my money's worth before I dump them and move on.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (30 December 2013):
If you have said something to her and she blew you off (she did) then I agree... but instead of stopping cold turkey with no warning..
I would take her out nicely one more time and say to her
"I really like you and want to keep seeing you but I cannot afford to foot our dating expense all by myself any longer. Since you seem to think that the person that asks should pay, I am only asking you now every OTHER date"... This is our first OTHER date. should you wish to see me again, you may feel free to ask me out OR you can not ask but you can start to cover some of our expenses, the choice is yours."
Have a lovely date with her, then unless she agrees to split the costs with you, do not ask her again.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (30 December 2013):
 I agree, you can stop asking her out. What about her do you like so much that you want to be her sugar-daddy?
You talked to her about it, she didn't want to compromise or pay her own way. Then what's left to do other than stop seeing her, or only meet her for activities that are free?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (30 December 2013):
You could stop asking her out. Truly, after a few months, there should be some give and take, as the whole idea of a guy always paying is from an outdated time when women either didn't work at all, or worked at a menial temporary low-paying job. Now that both men and women are professional, it should be whoever ASKS out the other who either pays, or a mature conversation about going dutch treat or whatever should be had. And you're right - after a few months, I was going halves except for special occasions, so you're not in the wrong.
The question is - are you a love interest or a meal ticket? You had the conversation with her, and she has replied. Next is that you wait for HER to ask you to do something. Seriously, stop asking her out on dates and see what happens. If she says something, tell her you can't afford to pay all the time.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf +, writes (30 December 2013):
You don't. If she takes advantage of the you in that way, then get her out of your life.
If she does not want to be around you unless you are taking her somewhere...get out.
I am olf fashion and like spending my money on someone who loves me...let me say it again...on someone who LOVES ME.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2013): I would have a serious talk with her. If you can't talk now it would probably be wise to not invest to much emotion in the relationship.
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