A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hey guys, I'm really stuck, I may be young but I am sure of this relationship I am in, there's literally one issue. The girl has had 6 sexual partners before me, and whilst there's worse things and worse numbers, I really really can't get over that, how do I manage my head around it?Thanks Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, shrodingerscat  +, writes (2 January 2014):
 http://www.iub.edu/~kinsey/resources/FAQ.html#number
http://www.datehookup.com/content-sexual-averages-what-is-normal.htm
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/sex/sexual-health-and-advice/8958520/Average-man-has-9-sexual-partners-in-lifetime-women-have-4.html
Several studies show that men on average have nearly twice the number of sexual partners that women have, and the way we treat people based on the number of sex partners they have is VERY different according to their gender. This is hard scientific data, not anecdotal evidence based on my own narrow, limited experience.
http://www.alternet.org/story/86736/he%27s_a_stud,_she%27s_a_slut%3A_the_sexual_double_standard
http://spq.sagepub.com/content/72/2/143.abstract
Note that I did not say that "All men" would congratulate any man who was sexually active, I VERY -specifically- stated that if THE BOY WHO WROTE THIS QUESTION would, then HE would be the hypocrite. So please, don't claim that I was telling all men that they are hypocrites. I was very clear in my remarks that if the OP would congratulate his male friend on his "conquests", that him being jealous of his girlfriend's past was hypocritical.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2014): I think some people need to stop believing everything they see on TV or read in magazines. Very few men are actually "male whores" and not a lot of them are proud of being "male whores". Mature men do not see sleeping with a whole bunch of women as something to be proud of and any sensible man knows that that type of behaviour is a cover up for much bigger issues. If this was a young boy in her shoes who has had so many sexual partners, my conclusion would be the same. They either have very loose morals or are using sex as a cover up for much deeper issues. Either way, both are huge baggages to deal with by anyone and even bigger for a teenager.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2014): Guys are total hypocrites about promiscuity?
Says who?
Look around. Most guys aren't very promiscuous at all. That is a clear statistical fact no matter how much it might conflict with certain viewpoints.
Most guys don't treat male sluts with as much admiration and respect as women do. Fact. We praise the ABILITY to pick up women, but screwing a lot of women casually does not make you some kind of king in the eyes of most men. Most of us just don't really care what other men do with their dicks.
So please don't paint all of us men with this hypocrite brush. Its inaccurate and its not fair to attack us for other things based on it.
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A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (1 January 2014):
“Asking women to respect themselves in order to ‘earn’ the right to be treated like a human being is total horseshit. But suggesting that you have the right to treat her exactly as you please because she didn’t adhere to your archaic views of feminine propriety is misogyny, plain and simple.” - Clementine FordIt really doesn't matter how many sexual partners this girl has. Again, if the boy would congratulate his male friend for having that many sexual partners (most boys would!) then he literally IS A HYPOCRITE for thinking that his girlfriend has has "too many" sexual partners.And yes, that is slut shaming. It doesn't matter what AGE the woman in question is, it's still slut shaming.We have outdated, toxic views about how women should act, with standards that we don't apply to men at all. That needs to stop, yesterday.
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A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (31 December 2013):
I'm curious as to whether or not you'd be happy for a male friend of yours if he told you he's had sex with 6 women.
If you'd be happy for him, what you're doing to her is hypocritical.
It's nearly 2014. Women should be able to have the same sexual freedom a man does without being judged as a "slut" for it. Men get congratulated, women get shamed.
As long as they're using condoms and birth control, they aren't hurting anyone. Slut shaming is so 20th century. It's time to give up such harmful and poisonous views and stop disrespecting people because they aren't having sex the way YOU want them to have sex.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2013): Well, I usually try not to judge people based on their number of partners, but at your age (17!!) a girl having slept with 6 people seems like a huge red flag to me.
I know people joke about "daddy issues" and the like, but there is some truth to those things and I would guess that she has low self-esteem and likes to find attention and affection anyway she can.
I would suggest moving REALLY slowly with her (ie, waiting months before sleeping together).
Honestly, it's hard for me to really understand this, because I didn't become sexually active till I was 21; I'm 23 and I've had one partner. I'm not saying that's better, I'm just saying it's different.
Anyway, I would definitely avoid talking about her past experiences because they will undoubtedly make you jealous and insecure…but at the same time, be on the look out for the cause of her somewhat unhealthy behaviors…hopefully she'll realize that sleeping with a man/boy won't make her feel better about herself...
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (31 December 2013):
Maybe you feel like the number indicates she's easy, or you're not special because she's not that picky. Maybe you feel like your relationship won't last because she could get bored of the monotomy.
Who knows. Try and figure out what really is the problem then figure out if you can accept her for who she is. If you can't, move on.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (30 December 2013):
 6 or 60 who the heck cares? If you flip the situation over are you supposed to have linitless previous partners but she is not?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2013): If she is about your age and has been with that many boys; be sure you use condoms. No question about it!!!
You have to be careful because STD's can be fatal, and may be something to deal with for the rest of your life.
It isn't the numbers so much; but the fact that she is so young, and that sexually-active.
Being with so many boys might mean she is being irresponsible with her body, and not very careful about how boys treat her. It may not be that she wants sex so much; but she gives boys what they want to get them to like her.
If you can't deal with her past; it's because you're too young and inexperienced for her. She is too much of a risk for spreading an STD; because risk of infection increases when you so young, and having so many sexual partners. Kids your age don't always take precautions and practice safe sex, and will lie about it. You'll swear you always do, knowing you don't.
That young lady may have a few family problems, and some issues that need some adult guidance and attention.
She is going to end up pregnant, and might try to tag it on any one she can; because she may not be sure who the father is. She can also get venereal disease that can encumber being a mother in the future. If she is a lot older than you are, you're playing out of your league anyway.
That girl is too much for you, young man.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (30 December 2013):
Two ways...The past is the past and does not decide your future. Leave it alone and move to better times. I am sure you have done things that someone else may not be able to get past. But you would want anyone holding something against you from your past...right?
The second way...The only problem in your relationship is not her...it's you...get this...you are not able to let go of someone elses past. Funny thing that. If it bothers you that much, then you do not really love her that much, because real love does not keep a record of wrongs. So if it still bothers you...find someone else.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2013): If you want to stay in the relationship then I would try not to focus on the previous six and stay positive. I would talk to her about your issues. Then never mention it again.
But if you cant handle it then you need to just stop the relationship now. Six would be too much for most men so don't feel bad about your feelings. Just make sure you keep them in context.
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