A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey. This question is to do with my paranoid. The only time I ever get paranoid is during a relationship situation. I mostly get paranoid about the other person cheating on me. An example is the other week I got paranoid and checked my GFs text messages and I saw one from a guy called “JoshuaX”. The messages where asking about general stuff like “do you want to come on msn”, “do you want to go the cinema with us” and “how are you”. They didn’t bother me, it’s just words he used in them like “sxy” etc that really bothered me.When I get paranoid I add things up in my head that could make what I think is real, real. During that situation my girlfriend deleted all the messages sent to him. Her reason was she doesn’t like to use up to much memory space on her phone. Also his name was Joshua”X”, I thought the X had some sort of meaning, she said it is an inside joke from at school. I asked how she meet him, she said on the net in a chat room and they used to go school with him. I said why you didn’t tell me you were texting an old friend, she said I forgot. To me all those reasons seemed very thin, like meeting an old school friend on a random chat room. I trust my girlfriend as I haven’t carried on with it, but sometimes I get worried. My girlfriend seemed genuine and hurt when I accused her of cheating, that’s what made me believe her. I just can’t control it sometimes.I hope you can help, there are reasons I belive that led to this but I'll post them when I get some feedback. Cheers.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2008): Don't destroy your present relationship based on what some random past gf did to you. That's so unfair, isn't it...to this current relationship. If what you said in your follow up is your theory of why you are like this, then you are doing something wrong. I just gave advice to a female who suffers from insecurities and paranoia, as well. She has past issues affecting her current relationship as well. Please read the following link and take insight from all the answers on this page.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/the-distance-between-me-and-my-parnter-is.html
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have been seeing my girlfriend for nearly two years. I do believe it is important to have friendships of the opposite sex. Some of her best friends are males and I feel totally comfortable with that. I don’t mind her looking at other guys in the street etc, its human nature.
Also I believe what made me paranoid was a past girlfriend. She started chatting to this guy on some social network site, and I read the messages and she brushed them off, I genuinely believed and we carried on. But a week latter she dumped me very quick and a day latter I saw her holding hands with him. That is my theory why I’m like this.
Also as for reading her messages, I couldn’t help it, I was worried. I know that doesn’t justify it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2008): Cross-gender friendships are very, very common with people in your young age group. My own son dates a nice girl, but has many female 'friends'. But he's respectful of his current gf and has made sure she has met and socialized with these other female friends of his and she has done the same for him. That's just something couples do for each other to build the trust and building trust is an ongoing process throughout the life of every relationship. So you need to think things out rationally here. Your emotions are controlling your thoughts in this relationship. Think clearly because You're feeling jealous because you really, really percieve your relationship is genuinely under threat. So think about these questions: Does your gf puposely flirt with this male friend....does she ever try and delibrately hurt you? Does she speak of him or others, often and how much she admires/likes him/them? I mean, does she over elaborate to make you jealous? Is she openly, comparing you to him and making you feel insignificant? If not, then you need to think rationally, because your jealousy is a very destructive force, in this relationship. Has she ever asked that you meet 'all' her friends in real-life? If you haven't met this fellow, you should be.
If this other guy poses no real threat to you, and your gf is attentive and caring with you, then you're dealing with your own 'jealousy' in an irrational way. This means you have a problem and you need to work on that. Although some guys do sexualize their female friends, it sounds like your girl has this all in perspective. And realize, some guys do not do this at all. You have to find out what type of guy he is. A guy needs female buddies he can socialize with, too. There's nothing wrong with that. Female friends are incredibly supportive.
So what can you do? Try to think positively..like this other guy is an ally, not and enemy to you. And your gf 'should' be making her friends, 'your 'friends. Insist on that and make sure you and she communicate openly about these friends and what each other does with them. Cross gender friendships are possible but it takes some rational thought, an open mind and respect for each other, when bringing these friendships into each other's live. Lines should not be crossed..definitely. One always considers the feelings of his/her dating partner. This is why 'set and agreed upon boundaries' are so important in a love relationship. Talk to your girl, tell her how you feel and the two of you..work together to making this an happy agreeable, situation for you both. Communication and honesty is the key Take care dear
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