A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I just don't get it. Why am I never good enough to be anything more than a friend with a woman? I've tried everything I could possibly think of. From making my feelings known to holding back and really trying to get to know someone before trying to move things forward. It always ends up the same...she ends up finding some other guy and sleeping with him. I end up feeling like whatever effort I put in was completely wasted. It's not like I'm just looking for sex either (not that I don't want it). I'd really like to find someone special to spend time with, but instead I end up with nothingI have a good number of female friends, and according to them I'm attractive, funny, and an all around genuinely nice person. So what is it then? Why is this so hard for me? It seems so much simpler for everyone around me. Whether its finding a new relationship or just someone to sleep with, they have no problem with it.I'm told that things will eventually happen for me, but I'm seriously starting to second guess that. As time goes on I feel more and more lonely and frustrated. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Daniel the love doctor +, writes (11 December 2011):
 O.k. I'm going to tell you exactly what I told someone else on this site who had a similar issue....It's obvious that you're continuing to be held in the 'friend zone' for a particular reason. What is that reason? It's hard to tell without not really knowing YOU. But just going based on what you put in your post, you obviously have to make some changes.But you should know, some of the most common reasons guys tend to fall in the friend zone are...1. The girl they're interested in simply doesn't feel the connection. No matter how attractive, smart, or cool you think a girl is, if you try to push for something (whether it's her number or a date) and she doesn't feel the connection, it's not going to happen. And if you flirt with that particular individual, that could make things awkward or much worse depending on the length of time you've known her. **This is where learning how to read body language can benefit you. By noticing the signs whether it's verbal or non-verbal, you'll judge vibes of conversations much better- and know when to gracefully walk away... or continue the conversation.2. They always supply that shoulder to lean on. There's nothing wrong sometimes lending an ear to someone your interested in. In fact, you should know as much about her as you can. But if she tend to always confide in you with her problems/drama in her life... especially if it's relating to her boyfriend(s)(whether they're an ex or current)... or worse, you confide in her with your problems and issues, you'll be the male equivalent of her female friends. If this happens it'll be nearly impossible to break out as "more than a friend" in her mind. So you have to do things differently. Stir the conversation to more positive things. Compliment her, talk less about yourself, and keep the conversation interesting and engaging.And I seriously advise you to read these articles. I think it may be very beneficial for you:http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-to-approach-a-girlthe-right-way.htmlhttp://www.dearcupid.org/question/what--women-want-most-from-a-guy.htmlhttp://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-to-create-great-conversations-on-a-date.htmlBest of luck to you!
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (11 December 2011):
 How do you know these other women who you don't have any luck with end up "sleeping with" other men? Exactly how intimate are you with these women since you can keep track of their sexual affairs? Or was that just an assumption? You sound very negative if you assume women you don't have a chance with walk around shagging everyone but you. You don't know what they do, tons of them probably want to enter a relationship before they have sex. They just didn't think you and them were compatible.
I don't know why it is hard for you, but then again you don't say exactly what it is that is hard either. You gave female friends so getting to know women and acquaint them doesn't seem to be the problem. Talking to women isn't the problem. Attracting women isn't the problem. So what it is that is had, because you appear to go smoothly through the difficult parts...
My guess? You aren't flirting. You need to test the waters and flirt and check for responses, then ask out to dates (a simple cup of coffee does the trick), meet up, watch movies and then move in for a kiss when the time is right. If she's stuck with you through dates and movies and you have a good time and you have been flirting and she's flirting back then she'll respond well to a kiss. And then you move on to dating further, and then after a while you have "the talk" about whether or not you are exclusive (do not sleep with her or have sex before you are exclusive). Then after you have been exclusive for a while you start to develop feelings, and then after an appropriate amount of time is when you "express your feelings".
So maybe what you're doing wrong is expecting that people will fall in love first, without getting to know each other, and then you fall in love and declare your admiration to a woman who barely knows you? Get to know her first and date and flirt.. then take one step at a time.
If Im wrong here you need to add more information so I can know what exactly it is that makes this so difficult for you.
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