A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:Why do i only ever get crushes on and date total jerks and bi*ches. I never learn and always end up getting broken and hurting so bad. I KNOW what the majority of the guys and girls are like, but i still fall for tjem, love them and end up (with some) feeling dead inside in the end and sometimes even then i still love them. WTF is wrong with me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2014): Sometimes people with low self-esteem are attracted to people with "extra flaws." They feel they will be more understanding and kinder. They'll love you out of appreciation for giving them your attention. Sometimes they do just the opposite. They're meaner.
Sometimes, maybe you like people too different from the kind of person you are. They may be too popular, or they like to get into trouble, and they seem so cool to be around. You later find that they're not who you think they are.
You don't want to be judged and you know you're not perfect; so you open your arms to the misfits or bad-boys.
Thinking because they're nice to you at the beginning, they will change for you. They don't change, they want friends; so they pretend to be nice.
You may even be looking for approval and acceptance from the cool people. They make you think they like you, and they turn on you. Some people just don't know how to be friends. They think you have to agree with everything they say and do. They want you to do bad things to prove your friendship. They even lie to you.
You have to remember that they're just kids and they don't much understand about "crushes," and how to deal with people who like them so much. Especially if they don't feel the same. They don't know how to like you; before they like someone else better.
Boys like you for a couple of weeks, then start checking out another girl. They're supposed to at 13 to 15! They don't know how to be serious yet!
They don't know how to fix things they mess up. It takes time to learn these things. At your age, you're supposed to meet all kinds of kids; so you can learn who to stay away from. That's how you gain experience. Like touching the stove when you were two years old; and learning that it "looks cool," but it's hot!!!
You're supposed to have crushes first. Then you make friends and get to know each other better. Everyone makes mistakes, including yourself. So don't expect people to do everything you want them to, or feel the way you want them to. They are not jerks, just because they turn you down.
They have a right to choose who they like.
You're a kid. They're kids too. Awkward and learning, screwing things up. Saying and doing things that seem stupid. It's good you're learning how not to treat people; and how you really want to be treated. You also know how it feels to be on the receiving end; when you say or do hurtful things. That's how we learn "empathy." How you'll learn not to do things you know can hurt feelings.
You also have to learn how to like people not just because they're pretty or cute; but pay attention to how they behave and treat others. You don't always choose people, sometimes they choose you. Unfortunately, sometimes they turn out to be the wrong people for you.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (18 August 2014):
 For you to ask *this* question, at your age, is awesome. Many people 10 years older than you and more aren't this self-aware, and they continue dating jerks, players, and users without wondering why they keep finding them.
There isn't anything wrong with you except that you're attracted to the wrong attributes in a guy. You may want to analyze what attracts you to them and consider the "flip-side" of that very same attribute. For example - say you like a guy who is passionate. Does that mean he has a rage issue? Or what about a guy who is extremely intense about his feelings for you from the start. The flip side is that is he a flake, or worse, a user who leads a girl on with seductive words, gets her, and then tosses her aside? Or, what if what attracts you are unavailable guys, and it's ego that makes you want to take him away from someone? Can you see what I mean?
You're also young, so if the guys are the same age, there is no way that either of you have the maturity to be reserved in relationships. You think you love these people, but there's no time to get to know them, so it's all emotion and zero reason and intellection.
Take a step back and be with nobody for now. Don't act on any crushes. Start being critical on the inside and study what makes you have this crush. Then think of the flip-side of what that might be. Does he look desirable because other girls want him? Is he flirtatious, but doesn't have any loyalty? Does he treat you like crap, making you WANT him to want you?
You are young, but if you can rein in pure emotion with reason and self-control, you'll find that some of those things that make you have crushes on these guys become things that deter you from them.
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