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writes: Why do certain men have a girlfriend if they're just going to cheat? What's the point in being in a relationship in the first place? I mean the men who have a girlfriend but cheat on her any chance they get. Do you think they do it just because they want to look respectable to their friends etc so they get a girlfriend to pretend they're a decent person? I'm just interested in what goes in the minds of men like that. I just can't work out how you can supposedly care about someone yet cheat on them repeatedly and not seem to feel guilty about it.I'm currently single but i know a few males who have girlfriends but will get with other girls all the time. I've even had one of them come on to me which i thought was revolting. I know this isn't a relationship question per-se but i'd like to know men and women's views on the subject. Thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionExcellent answers. Thank you everyone. If anyone else would like to contribute please do.
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (5 September 2011):
 Walkin, I think that the issue with a guy who has a wife/girlfriend who cheats long term with one other woman has a very different set of causes and characteristics.
(I do recognize that women cheat just the same as men, but to avoid confusion, I'll keep the example of the man cheating).
Like Betty said earlier, in this case, some part of it might in fact be cowardice or an unwillingness to give up security for excitement.
It's also selfishness if there's no real love involved. The guy may justify it as thinking that the wife doesn't appreciate him or he doesn't get enough sex, so he has some discreet on the side, neatly compartmentalized.
He also gets the security of keeping his good reputation (and his standing with his kids, if he has any), his wife taking care of him (one guy I know is sleeping with his mistress while his wife makes him roast beef sandwiches and helps him with work projects).
I think this is a much more selfish thing when it comes to having a long term affair. The mistress stays on with the carrot of promise (i.e. he may leave his wife for me). He gets sex from her and most likely does have feelings for her. He gets to keep his wife and children without losing half of his financial assets to her. He gets sex from her as well. For him, until he's caught, he's getting optimal benefit.
Many times, he'll drop the mistress if she demands too much from him, or his wife catches wise. Then, the really selfish motives rear their heads when he utters the phrase "She meant nothing to me.".
The long term affair is much less about the addiction of womanizing and is more the selfishness and possible cowardice (I'm unhappy in my marriage, but I don't want to lose the security) in how he deals with it.
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female
reader, BettyBoup  +, writes (5 September 2011):
 Like YouWish says, it is a person who cannot control his animalistic urges with his morality and empathy. The type of person who does things that hurt other people like stealing, pedophilia etc, have an inability to realize that their id desires will be damaging to others if acted upon. For whatever reason. It could be a personality disorder from abuse or simple lack of the development of empathy. As freud says there is the id - animalistic desires and drives, the super ego - moral center, humanistic empathy and sense of the correct behaviour in response to a given situation, conscience if you will, and the ego - the decision making part of the mind that reflects upon the 2 opposing forces and decides which is the course if action it will take. So someone who acts on disires to do things which it knows are "wrong" or hurtful to others, the id urges are stronger than the super ego's morals.
As for a person who cheats with just one other person. It is the same except perhaps they get off on having 2 long term relationships without the other ever knowing. Perhaps it is an ego boost to have 2 women dedicated to you. Or, as other said, they are too weak to leave the most unfulfilling relationship, or perhaps they just don't care about either but are getting satisfaction form both women so continue with both.
Basically a person that does this is rather underdeveloped in the empathetical region of the personality. Or plainly they are selfish and see people as objects. they are unale to make a strong enough mental understanding that the women will feel pain similar to what himself feels when hurt. they cannot understand fully that the other person is a person. They see other people as characters in their story not as other living breathing sentient beings. that link is missing or weak or easily overridden by animal urges, however wrong they may know is is.
they are able to block out or surpress the knowledge that what they are doing will hurt other people, in order to benefit from whatever they get out of the affairs.
Or, they do not think cheating IS wrong. They may not feel any guilt because for some reason, their world view has let them to believe it normal, acceptable and even very desirable and something to be proud of to have more than one woman at the same time. This could be from peers or experiences growing up or the media. It can be culture among guys that cheating and getting away with it is cool and an ideal thing to achieve.
Some people simply don't get as attached to others as some people so they arent able to contemplate how hurt their cheated on partner could actually be. If the cheater is never deeply emotionally involved with anyone, cheating doesn't mean anything. But sadly if their patner was truely in love, they will suffer far worse than the cheater could ever imagine.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh, i'd just like to add i'm well aware women cheat too it's just in this case i know people personally who act like that and they are men so that's why i said CERTAIN men not ALL men. Thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhat about men who cheat on their girlfriend/wife with just one woman? An "affair" if you will. Does that make a difference do you think if he's just going to one woman instead of picking up random women he doesn't know?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2011): I think some women trap men into relationships that they actually don't want to be in. such as by playing on their guilt if the man wants to break up, by accusing him of ruining her life if he wants to end the relationship (because she's pregnant, or because she waited for him and now her biological clock is ticking). even worse is if they were engaged, it's like the man is not allowed to change his mind and is expected to proceed with marriage no matter if his feelings change, because he had made a Promise dammit to provide for her future comfort and financial security.
some women basically make a guy feel as if the only honorable thing for him to do is to continue to be in a relationship with her regardless of how he actually feels about her, because that is the definition of Commitment.
So a guy stays in a relationship because he's being made to feel that if he leaves her he's a jerk. Yet staying in a relationship like this probably doesn't foster love or respect for the girlfriend/wife. it probably breeds resentment and with it disloyalty. So is it any wonder then that the guy feels deprived of 'something' and if the opportunity arises to get some he will take it.
I'm just sayin'...the guys I know who've cheated on their gf's/wives, had gf's/wives who were really clingy to begin with and always demanding that the relationship continue while the guys long ago were having second and third doubts. Yes the guys should have just ended the relationships that they didn't want to be in, but I think some times a guy desperately wants to be seen as not-a-jerk and so he stays with the gf/wife because she is someone who would smear his name to everyone if he ever left her. And when he cheats on her to fill his needs, as long as no one finds out he still gets to be seen as not-a-jerk.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2011): no, it has nothing to do with looking respectable to friends. It's because they want both things: The security and comfort of a relationship partner, and the thrill and hunt and ego stroke of casual sex.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (5 September 2011):
Hey Walkin'. :)
This is my personal opinion.
I think to understand why a guy could do this, you need to put aside morality and strip it down to its basic wiring so we can see what, exactly, we're looking at.
What causes a heroin addict to start stealing from his dearest family to fund his hit? What causes a kleptomaniac to go shoplift when they have the money to buy things? What causes an arsonist to set fire to anything that burns? What causes a pedophile to...you must get the picture.
The answer is -- compulsion. They have a need. A hole that needs filling. A deep-seeded craving. A perverse itch that needs scratching.
The males who are womanizers and cheaters need that hit of orgasm, ego stroking, and testosterone urges. Their relationships with their wives or girlfriends have nothing to do with their compulsion, except maybe that extra hit of illicitness that sweetens their urges.
Betty Boup is correct in that the women are objects. They are the means to the end is like the needle is to a heroin addict. The sexual addict doesn't have empathy in this case. His mind has distilled the act so that it has no more consequence than porn. In his mind, there's no difference between watching porn with its anonymous images to get off on, and the anonymous women he can have no strings attached sex with. They are one and the same in his mind. He separates them from his girlfriend and has convinced himself that these other women have nothing to do with his wife or girlfriend.
That's just my thoughts. Yes, selfish, horrible, disgusting, immoral, user of women. Add morality back into the mix, and it's still revolting. But there it is.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2011): Cheats are chancers, they think they're clever and won't get caught. They think only of number one not the outcome for their partner/s.A woman I know left her long term partner for a married man. They moved into a flat together (her Ex paid the deposit thinking it was just for her and her new life) The married man didnt ever tell his wife he was with somebody either.He went back to his wife after 10 months.The woman had to have 6 wks off work with depression and played the woe is me card. Nobody felt sorry for her.Fast forward 4 months, married man tries to get her to see him 'on the side' as he's only 'sleeping on sofa' at his wifes....The woman agrees and is caught by her new b/f at her place with married man - end of new relationshipSelfish yes but it takes 2 to tango.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2011): I suspect very few men (or women) cheat to bolster their image among peers. Contrary to popular myth, men are more likely to shake their heads than congratulate a friend for their conquests.The most common reason for the kind of cheating you describe** is that relationships offer perks that hook ups don't, such as security and companionship. Hook ups offer risk and excitement. Their casual nature also allows some people to feel more comfortable about experimenting sexually without fear of losing the respect of someone they really care about. Most combine the best of both worlds clandestinely because they know most partners would not agree to such an arrangement or, equally unsettling for the cheater, might insist on benefiting from the same terms. I've heard from a number of men (who haven't cheated) who claim the only reason they have decided against an open relationship is the thought of their wife being with other men. ** As opposed to someone who thinks they are trapped in an unhappy or even abusive marriage who seeks the connection and intimacy they need in a secret long term relationship elsewhere.
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reader, BettyBoup +, writes (5 September 2011):
Good question. I think they want to have their cake and to eat it. A girlfriend can provide long term comfort and security, but they still get the excitement of sleeping with as many women as they can. They basically are very selfish and have no respect for women. Usually good liars. They lie to themselves that their behavior is justified and acceptable. Or they just don't care. A lot of men do see women as objects so they can justify treating them badly. They don't have empathy for women, or they don't feel women are deserving of empathy because they think women are below them. Or they are cowards. they just go along with a relationship without ending it when they should and just sleep with other women too. It is sad but there are a lot of people in this world who are selfish and don't care about who they hurt as long as they are happy. And it is not just men who behave this way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2011): I'v actualy heard a good theory on this, it's an addiction, maybe its for attention, maybe its for the thrill. Sure there is always an exception to the rule but more often than not these type of people cant help themselves. You have heard "once a cheat always a cheat" Often this is true, though these type of personalities can change and it often takes a "seeing the light" experience, more often than not they "reap what they sow"
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2011): "Do you think they do it just because they want to look respectable to their friends etc so they get a girlfriend to pretend they're a decent person? "YES. many people - men as well as women - are afraid to be single cos they think it makes them look not normal. so they get into and stay in relationships for wrong reasons, with people they don't really like all that much.another reason is that they really want to break up but are too afraid or don't know how, like, maybe she's scary or over emotional and they fear that if they leave her she'll become difficult? so they feel no inhibition on cheating cos they actually don't want to be in their relationship they just don't have the guts to actually leave the relationship (or marriage)
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reader, empty-1 +, writes (5 September 2011):
There's just as many women out there who behave the same way honey. Please don't fall into the trap of thinking that cheating, even serial cheating is a male dominated phenomenon. In every serious, peer reviewed and controlled study that's been completed on the issue in the last fifty years, the statistical difference between men and women who cheat has been within the margin of error of the survey - indicating a commonality to this behavior across the Mars/Venus divide.Also - insofar as the selfish serial cheating type of personality is concerned, Its often symptomatic of a world view that places the self at the center so powerfully that there's no room to really respect anyone else. Whether that be for one reason or another, be it personal insecurity, craving for attention, immense sex drive, or some other excuse really doesn't matter. The basic presumption is one of utter selfishness and a lack of basic respect for the humanity of any other individual.Why would such a person pursue and carry on a relationship? there's a few basic reasons - security, acceptance, and a fall-back partner. There is, of course, also the thrill of doing something forbidden and bad that some people get off on. Mostly, though, it has been my observation that someone who cheats repeatedly and habitually tends to "love" their primary partner in the same way they might "love" their new car. For different reasons, of course, but the basic sense of possessive entitlement is there. Having a steady partner provides a logistical security where emotional and even financial issues are concerned - a person who is nice to be around, who accepts the person they think the cheater is, and provides a certain immunity from rejection, because no matter who else may reject their attentions, they've already won the acceptance of someone they intend to keep, at least for awhile.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2011): Good question. Having been on the receiving end of having a cheating husband, my answer is that he wanted the appearance of having a family, the nice house and the wife and kids, but realised that he couldnt stay faithful to the one woman. Probably because he had been so used to having casual sex before he got married that he found it hard to give up other women.It is a despicable way to behave and I wish my husband had been open and honest with me about his desires for other women. It would have saved me a lot of heartache if he had just divorced me instead of doing it behind my back for 5 years.Some men feel they are entitled to cheat, that they shouldnt have to only have sex with the same woman and only when she wants it. If this is the way they feel, they shouldnt get married of course. But they dont know that until the reality of marriage and sex with the same person becomes stale and boring, so they seek it out elsewhere instead of expressing their concerns or feelings.My husband was of the opinion that what he was doing wasnt affecting the family (it wasnt because I didnt know about it) and what I didnt know about didnt hurt me. So he justified it in his mind that it was OK because he was able to keep his secret double life well hidden. Of course I knew something wasnt quite right but I had no idea that he was cheating. Didnt even cross my mind. As they say, the wife is always the last to know.I am very angry and hurt by his actions now that I know and also with the women he was having affairs with who knew what he was doing but were also keeping this a secret from me. Very hurtful to know that other women were privy to my marriage and my husband.So really they cheat because they are selfish, feel entitled, dont care about how their actions will affect anyone else and only think of their own lust and desires. And no, he didnt feel guilty about it because he went and did it again and again. So once he had seen that he got away with hiding it from me, he continued to do it. He does not feel guilty to this day about it.
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