A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My relationships always go south and I end up with guys who treat me badly or only want one thing.This last guy, I met at a meeting for this local political group we're both involved in. We ended up talking and flirting a little (no physical contact then outside a handshake) and I got his number. We texted on and off, nothing to do with sex, and then agreed to go out and get some Mexican food at this tiny little authentic restaurant. We sat on the bed of his truck and really hit it off. During the next week, we hung out at his place, made some food, and watched a movie. We ended up kissing and making out quite a bit but I put a stop to it because it was a "what am I thinking?" moment. I told him it was a bad idea and we chilled out some. I ended up going home and he texted saying he was sorry and hoped he haedn't messed things up.A few weeks later, he caught me off guard because he got so angry at me! I had been staying the night and while we'd cuddled before and talked, he kept telling me to stop talking and that I talked too damn much. And that I was taking up too much space in the queen sized bed and that I was really wearing out my welcome by coming over too often or staying too long. HE was the one who did the inviting every time I came over and asked ME to spend the night. He got so mad at me that he slept on the couch and made a nasty comment about how I ruined his bathroom floor because the toilet overflowed. I had flushed nothing more than regular toilet paper down there and it wasn't a lot. I hadn't so much as taken a dump at his place!I backed off some, let HIM do the texting first and only had us do activities such as baseball games but he was really distant. I would turn down invites to his house unless it was just dinner or something and stopped staying the night. That was when he accused me of cheating with this Muslim guy (um, no, I talked to him a little to be polite but he is a total scum bag). Then, he brought up a story about how I used to meses around with him (untrue, the guy made a pass at me and I shoved him so for awhile he started rumors about me being a slut and has always been rude. I never see the guy unless I come into his work and I try not to do that). I told the real story and he said I couldn't come over if I was still talking to him or to other men the way I did (meaning what I don't know, he refused to explain and told me "You're just dumb.")Well, he was being distant and said I no longer flirted with him or stayed the night so I must be cheating. He said he missed when we used to actually date. This is about three months in. So I tried to flirt with him more, come over more, etc. It got to be where he would take me to his friends' houses, talk to the guys and virtually ignore me. Or he would blast the TV and tell me to shut up when I tried to say something. Or complain about me using his shower water or eating his food when I'm the one who brought it anyway! He got really demanding about blowjobs and refused to go down on me and said it was nasty. I didn't shave enough, I didn't dress like a lady. When I did, there had to be someone else.It got to be where he only acknowledge me when we were having sex and he pretty well skipped foreplay and refused to cuddle because he liked his space. When I said I wanted more actual dates/activities, he blew up at me and said I was too demanding. When I asked why we never flirted anymore he told me we were "past that". Then he said he didn't consider it a relationship and I was the one trying to "push it" and "make it something it's not" and that no one needed to know we were talking/hanging out.When I came over once and turned down sex because I was on the rag, he asked why the hell I even bothered to come over in the first place and that he didn't want to hear about it because it grossed him out. So I told him that I would NOT be having sex with him anymore and that when I came over, I wanted respect and conversation and I wanted free activities that didn't take up too much time like we used to do. That's when he told me to fuck myself. And that I was a bitch and asked who I thought he was talking to him that way and that I was the reason some men popped some women, my mouth.So I left and refused to text and didn't hear a thing from him at all unless he invited me over. I pointed out no sex and he came up with an excuse to cancel the invite.Obviously, the man is an abuser and a user. But every one of my relationships have a similar pattern. They start off nicely and I'm not terribly forward with men. I know what the pattern ends like, but I'm not sure what starts it. I think I'm doing everything right but something's obviously wrong.Insight?
View related questions:
blow-job, flirt, foreplay, kissing, muslim, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (15 July 2014):
 Talk about walking away at the first red flag...here is a link to a post I just came across from another woman whose ex dumped her for snapping at him.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/-does-narcissistic-ex-miss-me.html
Notice how quickly he gave her the heave ho. He didn't wait for it to get worse.
I don't care for him using her for sexual favours after the fact (and she was dumb enough to allow it). What matters is that he cut her loose and lost interest in her the first time she crossed the line. THAT is how it's supposed to be.
A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (15 July 2014):
The previous responses pretty much echo my own thoughts. I too, was a bit surprised to read you thought you were doing everything right, because from what I'd read, it's quite the opposite.
OP, once a man figures out that you're eager to please and you'll put up with just about anything (and make no mistake, they'll figure this out very quickly) you'll only ever be one of two things to them: useful or annoying.
You're right that men and women can be friends, but ONLY when the boundaries are respected and ONLY when one is not attracted to the other. Sex, sexual activity and phone/cyber sex do NOT lead to friendship. Unless these guys are gigolos they'll cut ties with you once they meet a woman they're serious about. And a man who is decent, attractive and crazy about you won't tolerate 'friendships' with men you've had a sexual history with.
You're allowing men to become too familiar with you way too soon and you're creating or encouraging too many uncertainties.
Hanging out in each others' homes raises questions. Is he/she here to watch movies or is he/she expecting something to happen? Is he/she serious about me or is this just friends with benefits? Will he/she call me in the morning?
Even if it starts out innocently, one thing often leads to another, specially if alcohol or any other substance is involved. But one thing does not lead to another if you go OUT on DATES. You don't have to worry about rejecting a man's advances during coffee or dinner in a public place, or at the museum, or while rollerskating, or bowling or taking a tour of the city, or anything else you might enjoy doing in a PUBLIC place (particularly during the day).
And the flirting....you might want to cut back on that, or better yet cut it out completely until you meet someone you're serious about and can successfully navigate the terrain. Flirting is our way of letting someone know we're interested and available. There is nothing cute or fun about developing feelings for someone you think has feelings for you only to be rejected later because that person 'isn't ready for a relationship' or only 'likes you as a friend'. Say what you mean and mean what you say.
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Avoid awkward social situations by using a little foresight to prevent them from happening. Cut ties at the FIRST red flag. People wouldn't need second chances if they made better use of the first one. Don't put yourself in a position where someone MIGHT think you have different intentions. Be clear and remember that these men are no more experts at dating and relationships.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2014): FYI: Second chances are given to people to have earned that right after gaining your trust and proving their reliability. That romantic concept of everyone deserving one? Fuck no. You get once chance and that's it, more chances are earned and it takes a hell of a long time for a person to that position.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2014): OP dating is mostly a complicated mess at the best of times. Whether you should kiss the guy, whether you said the right thing they're always things that will be in the back of your mind. But you cannot ever let them be excuses to tolerate bullshit.
Don't ever let yourself be sucked into the "nobody's perfect" trap in which you think "well I can't judge because I'm not exactly perfect" because you can judge. Dating is judging the suitability of a person to be your partner and it has to be about you. The whole point of it is to weed out the bad apples as early as possible so you can continue to see where something goes. The biggest mistake people make is to force it or to tolerate too much because they're so busy worrying about how they look to the other person. Just be the best you and don't worry about all that stuff, worry about judging, examining and testing your suitor.
I had a few dating experiences with women where I was obsessed with how I was doing things, to the point of letting things slide which I shouldn't have. I'm generally a confident, pretty cocksure guy but that's only after plenty of fuck ups and plenty of weakness. There have even been times where I thought I can accept being treated like shit because by god the good times are amazing.
The only solace I have, OP, is I never make the same mistake twice. Everything bad that happens gets added to my mental list of things to not tolerate.
I once a dated a woman who bitterly jealous and controlling, nearly a year of being with her and I got ground down.
But guess what? Never happened again. I've met and was seeing women like that but the first sign of that shit and I was gone.
There really are early signs to everything, OP if you look back on your time with these guys you'll see them. Examine them, take your time for a while and think. Stay away from romance for a little while while you figure these things out and then most importantly of all put yourself in a high enough regard where you will feel worthy of better treatment. Because that's key, OP, people can only treat us how we let them and what we let people get away with is directly linked to our self-worth.
You didn't deserve to be treated like a bitch while he went on a temper tantrum about the toilet. That's not how adults treat each other, yet you accepted that treatment and kept going.
Figure out why that is and fix that. Get to a place where you can see how you truly deserve to be treated and don't accept anything less.
Anger, punishment, quick temper, jealousy etc. There's a whole host of things you shouldn't accept and you know OP it does not harm your chances of finding a relationship to accept less shit.
It makes your dating pool smaller, but only in a good way, only a in a way that means you get better quality men.
You're worth more than how they treated you, but it's up to you to ensure you get the right treatment. If they can't treat you right from the start, then you walk.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2014): OP here. OK, so first anon person had a lot to say about how it was my fault and I was bringing it on myself for making assumptions. But he said he didn't consider it a relationship AFTER we started having sex and that I was trying to push him into one. I wasn't - I was just trying to be his friend as well as have the benefit of sleeping with him but without cuddling and foreplay, sex is something I'm not worried about anyway. I know a LOT of guys want to skip over the dating/flirting stage as fast as they can and get straight to relationship and serious, immediate commitment. I guess the fastest way to get rid of a control freak is to get HIM to dump ME. I guess I could just do that by saying, "No sex".
Xearo - OK, so I will wait more before going to a guy's house. I know that girls and guys can be just friends but it's hard to tell if he actually wants to talk somewhere private where we don't have to spend money or what. And not requiring him to pay money for me is my way of saying we're equals and I am independent. I have had it where I liked a guy and kept it at flirting and going on dates but since I didn't go anywhere alone with him he dropped me like a bad habit and said I missed my chance for not trusting him. Another guy, I took a month to go to his place and when I did, he fake-choked me and laughed and basically told me when I said it wasn't funny was that it was insulting that I would assume things like that about him anyway and that he was trustworthy and knew 25 people who would say so too. So I can't win :-(
2nd anon - I guess I did ignore red flags, like how he always made me feel stupid and didn't want me talking to the other guy (or any other guy) but didn't consider me a girlfriend. And wouldn't listen to me when I described the situation because I was always wrong. But yeah, he was really sweet at first and the first outburst caught me off guard so I was shocked and hurt and didn't know what to do or how to react.
Cerberus - that was hugely helpful and I don't mean to be a pushover. I mean, what I really want is some friendly polite flirting and if we keep talking and hanging out and become just friends that's great. But if we do all that and it turns into relationship that's OK too. But I wish it had been more of the stuff we did in the beginning and kept doing it. I knew I screwed up when I let him kiss me, but it's hard to tell the lines between friendship and dating by accident or from dating and just being a fuck buddy. That list made a lot of sense, especially about wanting early commitment and not wanting you to spend time alone or with friends (many other guys did that to me) other than him. And basically being sweet in the beginning but changing their tune once you sleep with them.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2014): Simple, OP, you tolerate too much shit and are a doormat.
This is where I stopped reading your post: "A few weeks later, he caught me off guard because he got so angry at me!"
and that's where you should have stopped seeing him. I don't need to read the rest to know what happens next, and you shouldn't have stuck around to find out either.
In fact I bet there were plenty of other signs before that. A shitty attitude to something which you think is minor or you can look past which you shouldn't have, or a sly comment made about someone or something disguised as a joke which you found strange.
You're too much of a pushover and you tolerate too much.
I mean after the first week you pretty much stopped dating and went straight to just calling over to his place for sex, with the odd excursion here or there. OP when we only invite to our place there's only one thing we want, of course we'll shove on the movie so it's easier to make the moves. That's not dating, OP, that's just fucking. It's called wining and dining for a reason, OP.
OP you're a woman that doesn't know what she wants or how to get it, you just hope things will get better if you don't give up.
One of my sisters was dating a guy recently, a real charmer and I didn't like him at all. They had dinner a few months back after about two weeks of a really nice time and his order was mixed up with something else. Basically when my sister saw the look he gave the waitress, a look like he "was imagining how he'd dispose of her corpse" she knew right then that he was not the guy for her and he was trouble. He went from a relaxed, smooth talker to someone angry and distant in an instant.
You see that's the kind of thing you'd ignore because you allow for men to be nutcases around you. He didn't make a scene, he didn't shout and he was polite and pleasant throughout but she could see for the rest of the dinner he wanted to do damage to that waitress.
Your man-boy went and slept on the couch for fuck's sake, OP. What more of a red flag do you need than someone who acts like that after only a few weeks of knowing them?
You're not doing everything right, in fact you're doing nothing right because of that attitude. You're so focussed on your performance and worried about doing the right thing you're completely missing what these guys are.
You should probably seek counselling, OP, women don't fall into a pattern of abuse when they're confident, independent and have self-belief (if it happens women like that once, it never does again). While it is always appropriate and polite to consider the feelings of the person you're seeing and do your best to impress as a woman the whole point is to test these guys and have deal breakers you will not tolerate.
OP you're trying so hard to prove yourself to these guys to stroke your fragile ego that you're willing to accept being treated like shit and pass it off as a mistake.
They only get one chance, OP.
Sure 15 minutes late for a date you let off, or they didn't bring enough cash to pay for the whole thing, or they were too busy to reply to your last message. Minor things are okay, but the things you view as minor or acceptable are very far into the danger zone.
Next time, OP, dump the guy the minute he pulls some immature shit, or goes from happy to angry in an instant over something minor.
I would have just asked you to unclog the jacks, no big deal, if you didn't or wouldn't then it's goodbye.
It's time to get ruthless. I don't mean game playing or bitchy but very intolerant of those kinds of things.
There's a good list of signs here that may help, and you also need to examine the very first signs in all your past relationships and add them to your list of deal breakers.
http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2014): I don't know about your other relationships but, from the one that you describe in your post, it seems that some of your problem is that you ignore red flags and give a guy too many chances after bad behaviour.You should really have ended this relationship after his first unreasonable outburst but instead you "backed off" but continued to date him. And then gave him more and more chances when his behaviour indicated that this is simply who he is and he wasn't going to change.It could also be that you are attracted to the wrong types of men. For example a girl may be attracted to guys who are clever and confident but if she ignores red flags she might end up with Mr Cocky and Arrogant or Mr Narcissistic and ControllingCounselling/therapy sometimes helps with destructive patterns of behaviour
...............................
A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (14 July 2014):
I don't see how you can blame yourself for the way someone is. This is natural when it comes to dating, you find out who they really are and that can either be a really good thing or a really bad thing.
When it comes to dating you should be the one to set the standards, not the other way around.
Also, while it is a good idea to spend as much time as possible with someone, you should not be going to their home so soon. In this case you did, but the guy is only going to expect sex. And well if you don't give him sex but absorb all his surroundings, then he isn't getting anything out of it. Or maybe he got what he wanted and was done. Who knows. Either way, this shouldn't be an indicator that you are doing something particularly wrong. Just keep at it, hope you find someone you deserve.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2014): Because you have sex with the guy. I'm willing to bet that as soon as you had sex with him, all the flirting and dating pretty well ended. He no longer wanted to "talk" (did you really think he invited you over for tea and conversation?). Because you ARE demanding a lot of attention and time from him and he isn't willing or wanting to get that. He flat-out TOLD you it wasn't a relationship and you still demanded one (sorry, you did). After that first night he treated you like shit, you should have left and did't speak to him again. Instead, you bent over backward and did cartwheels to get the guy back you originally met. He never was that person, he just acted like it to get you in bed with him. One you did that, all he wanted was less time, no talking, no food-sharing (relationship things) and just plain sex. That is why he wanted to skip foreplay and cuddling. He didn't want you over on your period or if you weren't sleeping with him and straight told you there was no point in you being over. He made this clear MANY times. You move slow at first, you backed off of making out, and he saw that as a sign of wanting to be pursued. You wanted to keep taking it slow.Please, don't go over to a guy's house alone unless you REALLY know him well. Especially don't spend the night and why on earth did you immediately jump into "playing house"? The nicest guy doesn't approach girls because they think she'll make a great conversationalist. They want a possible girlfriend to probably sleep with. Yes, relationships happen and they work but you DATE for awhile. In PUBLIC places and MAYBE exchange a peck on the mouth after a date. Make sure he wants a girlfriend and wait several months before you sleep with him. You don't know who he is or what he's about after a week.
...............................
|
