A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'll make this as short as possible. But pleaaaaase read, i want advice as i can't figure this out!!?About over a week ago on a night out, i saw this guy who i haven't seen in a while. We've both liked each other so it was just a bit of fun. Instantly we were very close and flirting a lot the whole night and ended up getting with each other (kissing). As soon as we did, my best friend told me that one of his friends just told her he had a girlfriend! So i confronted the guy and he didn't really deny it, in fact he seemed okay that he made me feel like utter shit and stupid. It was hard to get through to him what he had done wrong since he seemed unfazed by it! He just went off and enjoyed the rest of the night, while i sat there feeling like an idiot and annoyed at myself! In fact, not once did he ask if i was okay, or show any sign of caring.What makes it worse was all his guy friends, who are 'supposedly' my friends too, didn't even tell me!? Guy code or not, we're all friends and they let me carry on knowing full well he was seeing someone!? Bet they were thinking how naive i am! One friend even said 'it's what guys do', seriously wtf is that about?The guy apologized the next day and said i over reacted to it all, cause he does really like me and wants to give it a try. He said that he was seeing someone but the relationship is pretty much over, so he didn't see the harm? And I know i can't be annoyed if he had a girlfriend, cause well we aren't together. But it's how he reacted so carelessly and patronizing to the situation said a lot about him, drunk or not. I'm so angry at myself, it makes me feel like he got what he wanted and now can tell his friends he got with me and that. I know it was just kissing flirting and being intimate, but i've liked him for sooo long. Just like he told me he has. But now i just think he lied to me about so much and so did his friends. I'm annoyed at them, i have no trust with any of them now! I've been taken for a complete fool, they have all made me feel so, so low!! IWhat i want to know is did i overreact? Should i forgive him for this? Can i be annoyed at him for seeing someone and as for his friends, what should i say to them if anything? Am i right in feeling no trust and frustration with them? Thank you for reading this!
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow! thank you so so much for that advice!!! To think i was going to forgive him and his friends, what an idiot i would of been. First step is i'll have to try and forgive myself, if i can.And i'll tell his friends what you said. In fact, now i think about it they left me alone with him the whole time and whenever they did see us two on it together, they just looked at me like something was wrong which i didn't think anything of at the time! Just annoys me so much that they told my best friend and not me! And when they told her it which pretty much pointless.One more question, if he was 'seeing someone' does that still mean he cheated? I never really understood what that term means
A
female
reader, sabra  +, writes (8 May 2011):
Doesn't seem like you overreacted to me. I'd feel pretty betrayed by my friends too, and used by the guy, ESPECIALLY if he had the balls to say I was overreacting. That would make me want to ACTUALLY overreact. Seems pretty condescending to me.As for your guy friends: well, they may have their reasons for not telling you. Maybe they knew he was going to dump his girlfriend and that made it ok to them. Maybe they see this guy doing that kind of thing all the time. Maybe they really don't care if you made out with a guy who was "taken". I can't tell you what to feel, but in your place I would also feel pretty annoyed with them and give them some space for awhile. I don't think you should be annoyed with him for seeing someone though. Technically you would be the "other woman". You should be annoyed, if at all, at his patronizing reaction to you and his blase attitude about having a gf and making out with you.May not want to date him though :P
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2011): "What i want to know is did i overreact?" No, you didn't overreact at all, in fact it's a very normal and healthy reaction to being played/used.
"Should i forgive him for this?" No, how would you feel if you were his girlfriend and he did this? You'd feel like crap, so if they think this is "just what guys do" then he'll do it to you too won't he? Don't let him convince he wouldn't OP, he said the exact same thing to his girlfriend too. The person you should forgive is you OP, I know you feel really bad for this and you must also feel bad for being the girl he cheated on with, well don't, you didn't know and if you did know you would have maintained a distance. You did nothing wrong OP, you can still hold your head up high and know you did right but only if you don't fall for their crap and actually forgive him.
The way you feel about this right now is a healthy reaction that will protect you, if you forgive him OP then you may excuse what he did and your like for him may mean that you start believing his lies and actually end up dating him, you'd be screwed then. Because all of his excuses are the oldest tricks in the book. Do you think his girlfriend thinks the relationship is "pretty much over?" No chance in hell, because there's no such thing, it's either over or it's not and it's not over.
What do you say to his friends? You tell them they're asses for that, I wouldn't exactly call them friends though I have no friends that wouldn't warn me about something like that. There's no such thing as guy code to friends OP. Guy code only works with random girls that's it. For example if a friend of mine had a girlfriend and he met some girl in a club and took her back to a party and kissed her. Then as that guys friend I have to look out for him and I can't tell her he has a girlfriend, but if she was my friend too then she'd deserve to know but we'd tell her well before anything happened, as soon as we saw the two of them being close and talking we would have said something. Your guys "friends" watched you get played for ages and then high-fived him when he got you, and when you find out he has a girlfriend they tell you it's "what guys do", well OP seems you shouldn't really date any of those guys either if this is the kind of stuff they do.
OP everything you're feeling now is normal and the correct way to feel, hold onto these feelings as they will protect you from being played again by this guy, you cannot trust him and he will just try and feed you a bunch of lies to get with you again. You can't let that happen, remember how bad this hurts next time he tries to sweet talk you and you won't fall for his crap again.
The only thing you're doing wrong is feeling like a fool and feeling low. While it is a normal way to feel after being used, it's not logical. You didn't know OP, none of this is your fault. You could not have known and if you did you wouldn't have done this, so you really have no reason to feel like a fool. Now if you forgive him and let him kiss you again, or if you started dating him then you'd have real reason to feel like a fool and when he goes off and cheats on you, then you'll see what it feels to feel very stupid and very low. You can't let that happen. Stick to your principles OP, you're the one who is right in all this.
Your best friend is your real friend OP, she's the one who looked out for you, she's the one that saw the potential for you to get hurt and she's the one who stepped in to try and prevent that. Why would she do that if none of this mattered like those boys say it doesn't? Because it does matter doesn't it? Because that kind of thing is not okay at all. So if there is a guy code there OP, you're not in it, they see you as fair game to be used, she doesn't see you that way, she used friend code to protect you as you would for her.
These guys aren't your friends OP, if they were then guy code wouldn't apply. Guy code doesn't apply to female friends OP, there is no way in hell I would let one of my female friends get used by a guy, ever, so it makes no sense does it? Guys code only applies to girls you don't care about, girls that any of the guys can have, a girl that none of us care about because that make her fair game. But a female friend of any of my group of guy friends doesn't count in that code. Say one of my guy friends has a female friend from work, someone he knows a while and cares about. Then she's not fair game for guy code, firstly he'd keep an eye on her to make sure nothing like that happens, and secondly as his friends we'd also keep an eye on her, meaning none of us would play her and if we saw some other guy we knew trying we'd step in.
Don't let this guy or any of his friends walk all over you OP. Your not some tool they can use to have fun, they didn't show you any consideration or respect, so can you really call them "friends?"
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