A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok so I was in a relationship for 3 years with this guy who would always cheat and I would always forgive him. Finally I had enough when we moved to another state. I started seeing this guy(Guy1)behind his back so we broke up. This guy turned out to be a total jerk. Somewhere along the line I met this guy friend(Guy 2)who was a cool person all around. He knew my ex as well as the guy I was currently dating. Guy 2 and I became real close but just as friends at first. I found myself missing my ex. Although I still had feelings for him part of me was still hurt from all he'd put me through. I confided in Guy 2 about everything and he confided in me also. We were genuinely good friends. I finally broke up with Guy 1 and it didn't go too well but I was glad that Guy 2 was there to help me. After awhile me and Guy 2 started getting closer on a more than friends level. But he had a girl and I was kind of getting back with my ex. Feelings started growing and I found myself falling in love with guy 2. When I told him about it he acted as if I was crazy. Made some kind of mention to the fact that he wasn't leaving his girlfriend for me. Hurt by this I got closer to my ex. All the while I was still messing around with Guy 2 me and my ex were becoming a couple again. One night he(ex) found out about me and guy 2, he said it was either him or guy 2 not both. Of course I wanted guy 2 but again he said he wouldn't leave his girlfriend. So my ex asked me to cut off all communication with guy 2 in an effort to make our relationship work out. This was hard because me and guy 2 worked together, but afraid to be alone, I chose to end it with Guy 2. Not expecting our friendship to end, only the other stuff. Guy 2 stopped talking to me completely..he wouldn't even say hi. He'd speak to everyone but me. I stopped working there and I hadn't seen him for months. One day out of the blue he calls me and we chat and say we'll try to meet up for lunch one day but I never called him back. A year goes by and out of the blue he texts me one day. He's going on and on about whether I still love him and how can I get married if I'm in love with him. After a few days of back and forth, he admits that he was in love with me and that I messed it up. My questions is this...Could he just be saying that because he doesn't want me to get married or is it possible that he really was in love with me and when I broke things off it hurt him that's why he couldn't speak to me? If he was in love with me then why didn't he open up to me when I opened up to him? I'm all confused now. Please help me
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female
reader, califnan +, writes (11 September 2009):
 Forget my last answer - Anonymous.. I became confused between your ex and Guy 1.. Anyway having a baby with your ex, makes a difference..
A
female
reader, califnan +, writes (11 September 2009):
Anonymous; You seem to be attracting the wrong men.. You have said Guy 1 was a jerk.. And Guy 2 has said hurtful things to you and did not want to be with you.. Then you go back to Guy 1 because Guy 2 rejected you. Your biggest problem seems to be that you are afraid to be alone.. Being alone is better than making a terrible mistake ..It seems to me, that as long as you wish to bounce back and forth between Guy 1 and Guy 2, you will not know who you are.. Instead of thinking about marriage with Guy 1 - you should be alone to sort things out, until you (and Guy 2) know Exactly what you want ..
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A
female
reader, littlepig +, writes (10 September 2009):
Sounds like a big mess and you need to stop being shady and pick a new man and start over.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your honestly. I appreciate it. You know it pains me to say this but at first when I decided to get back with my ex, I did so because I didn't want to be alone. And honestly speaking that year away was one of the best times in our relationship. We had a baby within that time, which brought us closer together. I'm happy with him and he's the one for me. When I first asked myself the question as to why guy 2 was telling me all of this now, I thought it was because he didn't want me to marry my ex but the more I thought about it, he could have very well been in love with me because we were extrememly close. I kind of feel bad, because noone really knows what could've been had he been honest with me. It's funny you made a comment about me posing such questions to guy 2...because I have. His response was he never had to tell me bacause he showed me and he did but what I'm saying is why when given the opprotunity to put it all out on the table, wouldn't he have said something...it doesn't make sense. I know there are still feelings for him. And everytime I think they're gone...he pops back into the picture and all those feelings that I thought were gone, resurface. At this point in time, I'm happy in my situation and he's happy in his. We've been pretty cordial lately but if I ever I try to bring up that topic, he shuts down. I don't know if we'll ever be able to get everything out on the table but hopefully one day we can. I just wanted to get some other opinions on this situation. And what's crazy is I thought to myself...maybe he had feelings for me...this was when we were still working together when he was keeping his distance and not having anything to say to me. I wondered could I have possibly broke his heart when I cut things off...it was the only explanation at that time. But I dismissed it because he was a tough guy, he wouldn't let something like that get to him. Also when he resurfaced and started asking me how I could get married to my ex when I was still in love with him, I'd say, I'm over you and he'd get so upset, it was crazy. He use to make comments about why he's so mean and won't settle down, he'd say things like you made me like this or yall(meaning females) made me like this. And i wouild always say, no...not me. But when I sit back now and look at everything, it all makes sense. And who knows if years down the road we could be together but at this time we're both happy.
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (10 September 2009):
 I know what I'm saying down below might seem harsh. But I'm saying it to you because I think its important.
Okay to start this off, I'm going to go with the last two sentences and work backwards.
I think Guy 2 was either (1) afraid to tell you he was in love with you (shame or fear of rejection) or (2) he doesn't want you to marry ex and is saying this to throw you off track. Its a 50/50 weighting issue here. Remember you said you cut contact with him basically.
Now for the background and why I'm saying this:
This one goes along with the confusion department. So let's unravel it down to the 2 guys and leave the one guy (I guess Guy 1) out of it.
It seems to me that the ex and Guy 2 are in an emotional war over you. And you ... you're in an emotional war between yourself and Guy 2's girlfriend. The issue is how much do you want Guy 2 over ex and vice versa?
You and Guy 2 want each other (let's say). Your ex wants you (let's say). Guy 2's girlfriend wants him presumably (let's say).
And if everything else is balanced out, you're basically talking about having an affair with Guy 2 or dumping your respective significant others and going with Guy 2 permanently.
You're not married to ex and Guy 2's not married to his girlfriend.
The answer to this one is simple. Good news is you're both single which gives you some more freedom of choice.
First, if you truly do love Guy 2, and you both have very strong feelings for each other, then I think you two need to talk about this at length, in person and in private (regardless of what your respective mates want).
Second, ex is jealous of Guy 2. No doubt about it. He's made you pick. That made you cut contact, and Guy 2 feels hurt.
Third, are you in love with ex, or are you just close to ex because he's convenient or you're staying with him out of a sense of obligation?
It seems to me that you're torn here.
My advice to you is actually pretty simple and I hate to say this, but you need to take your time, look deep into your heart and determine whether or not you want to spend time with ex. Then, you have to consider whether you can spend time with Guy 2.
Who are you truly in love with? I know its possible to be in love with many people and its not unheard of. But basically one of these two guys from what you wrote, is the real guy you want. And unless they plan on sharing you, they're both asking you to pick.
Then consider the possibilities with ex and Guy 2's girlfriend. How emotionally invested are they in the respective relationships? How much pain will be inflicted if you and Guy 2 turn out to be wrong? And will Guy 2 give up his girlfriend for you?
No one can every really clarify this until you look inside yourself, and then ask yourself and Guy 2 these questions.
Therefore, you're going to have to do some more work on this one.
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