A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear Friends[would really want guys to answer this]I have a situation here. I am dating [3 months now]this guy of arabic origin. He is 25 and we met on facebook. I am a 27 yr old indian girl. Things happened slowly in the beginning. It all started with a casual kiss in his apartment. He had recently lost his job then and i was giving him the emotional support he needed.I had no expectations from him, and I liked the fact that he was treating me very well. After a week of intimacy, he said he wanted to date me exclusively and then asked me to 'go with the flow' or 'leave things to time'...and said he cannot make a commitment at this stage. I agreed as I was also just looking for a good time. We enjoyed ourselves[no intercourse, just fondling] for 2-3 weeks before he had to leave the country. I was sad, but I knew we didn't have anything long term planned. During our last meeting, he asked me to move on if I found anyone and thanked me for being there for him, etc. He also mentioned that we can never get married[probably bcuz of our different cultural and religious backgrounds, plus(this is what i think, i maybe wrong) he is extremely goodlooking and i am on the heavier side].He also said we would never have sex.We kept in touch all throughout his stay in his home country. Although i maintained my emotional distance and didnt keep in touch as much,he kept telling me how much he missed me and everything. I missed him too, but i genuinely had no idea of the future.He also asked me if i found someone, i told him i haven't. He just asked me to hang on and not give the green signal to anyone. I found that contradictory to his words when he was leaving town. One fine day, he came back and gave me a surprise! That day we made love like never before. We even had intercourse. He is now in town I have actively helped him find a new job. We meet almost daily. We are very much emotionally involved. He takes good care of me and appreciates all what I do for him. In short, we are perfect together as we understand each other. BUT, the catch is.......now i am kinda getting attached to him. I dont know about him. We never say the 'love' word to each other.He keeps mentioning that he wants to get settled with a girl from his country, etc, and that really hurts me. Once i tried to tell him that i feel strongly for him, but he kinda blanked the topic out. His behavior contradict his words completely. He gets very jealous if i even talk about other men. He is insecure and possessive. He insists i change my religion to his, he wants to see me everyday, he even makes plans for the immediate future keeping me in mind[like buying a kettle bcuz i love green tea; heck he even started having green tea]..he wants me to be with him all the time...and at the same time, he says he wont marry me..one day we have to split...etc........ i agreed to that but then, i even told him that once he finds a good job, he should look for other girls to settle down with....and all he tells me is he doesnt wanna see anyone else except me..! he says im the only one who is by his side in his tough time, not even his family...he discusses everything with me...he even takes my advice for the smallest thing in his life.. I dont know what he wants.....his behavior shows commitment..he calls me everyday, and if i dont call him he feels bad..and talks about leaving the country bcuz i dont wanna see him.... his words deny every action/emotion he exhibits. he has told me that he wants to be with me exclusively atleast for the next one year. he keeps saying you never know what may happen tomorrow.He has recently asked me to move in with him as well..which i refused.I also am keeping my options open[not cheating on him] but cmon, i need a full relationship...and not someone who keeps confusing me..sometimes i feel he is genuinely confused..but hes a sweetheart and i never found someone as handsome, sensitive, expressive and straightforward this guy...and so i am still in the relationship..... what do u think i should do? i dont wanna live on hopes...tomorrow he may fall back on his words and say i never promised you anything....on the other hand he may want to test me for sometime before thinking on the lines of a long term commitment.I wanna know: 1. what is going on in his head?2. at this rate, where do u think this relationship would go?3. am i wrong by keeping my options open and dating other guys?4. is it worth pursuing this relationship by giving it some more time?i would really appreciate if guys in their mid twenties onwards could answer this.thanks
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facebook, insecure, jealous, lost his job, move on Reply to this Question
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female
reader, sher1477  +, writes (13 September 2009):
 Hi there,
firstly I am sorry to hear that you are so confused by what should be a beautiful time in your life. You clearly have strong feelings about this guy, but I commend you on being able to distance yourself emotionally for as long as you did.
What IS leaping out from the page is that this is a person who likes and needs to be in control. It is not healthy, I feel that he is using you, with him saying to you that he really does want to settle with somebody from his own country and all the other things that you have quite rightly picked up on as being contradictory.
If you were to read your letter as you have written it, but as somebody outside of the 'feelings', do you see how it looks in black and white? Time and time again both men and women are controlled; firstly with small things such as you have experienced "I dont know what he wants.....his behavior shows commitment..he calls me everyday, and if i dont call him he feels bad..and talks about leaving the country bcuz i dont wanna see him."
Sorry to say this but that is not the behaviour of someone who is thinking of you and your feelings, he is using emotional blackmail in the instance I have highlighted-and believe me these kind of 'threats' will only become more desperate if you stay with him.
I really think you should take some time out to think things over, that gnawing, empty ache that no doubt you get sometimes?-well that needs to be taken notice of.
This isn't true love; at least not on his part. You definitely deserve better from a relationship, and to be with somebody who doesn't threaten to leave the country just because you missed a call!. I feel that this will evolve into more mind 'games'.
Put yourself FIRST.
Treat yourself kindly, get out and meet other people who perhaps do share common ground with you, there are thousands more people who you will click with although it may not feel that way right now and indeed, you may not even want that. Concentrate on having fun, being happy, treating your mind and body kindly and gently. Don't allow your self esteem to be crushed by someone else. This is YOUR life, it's a gift and you deserve nothing but the very best from it.
It's clear that you have a lot to give from yourself, I hope you give it all to the right person and not someone who will use it and abuse it.
You cannot love others until you have loved yourself.
Take care of yourself.
-Shereen :)
A
female
reader, applebite8821  +, writes (12 September 2009):
 Pls send me a private msg, we have the same case. I would like to share with you my case in private....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey Haydi6, thanks for ur response...actually..to be very honest with you..i think im in love with this guy...and would not mind accepting his faith and way of life, only if he commits...but i dont know...sometimes he says he cant live without me..sometimes he says he wants me to be happy with or without him...i am seriously confused...gives me a lot of heartache...what should i do in this situation? i dont wanna confess my feelings for him because hes going thru a lot of stress these days...and its just been 3 months for us now..what do u suggest..
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