A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My fiance and I have been in a relationship with each other for three years and only got engaged a while ago. Recently she confessed to me, out of the blues, that on one occasion two years ago, she had allowed a friend of hers to fondle her sexually, and had even deliberately dressed up for the purpose.What disturbs me more than the action in itself, is the fact that she never told me about it through such a long time. Several times in the past, I have told her that the best thing I like about our relationship is the honesty and trust. Yet for so long, she told me she's a virgin (in every sense of the word), and that I was the first person she's been with sexually.This incident has left me deeply disappointed, and my trust is shaken. I'm not even certain about our future. Any advice would be appreciated.
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male
reader, chlez83  +, writes (11 January 2008):
i think da reason she never told you is because she knew you'd react in this same way,disappointed and probably upset with her.She wasn't sure how you were goin to take it and probably she's scared you would leave her.Look women look at such things more radically.It was just a relationship and not marraige and hence levels of committment vary.Now that you are engaged she's upped her committment levels by telling you all.I really can't say she's wrong or right.Just don't hold it against her and try to forgive her and tell her she should tell you all you need to know about her and not leave some for when you guys are married.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, sexi  +, writes (11 January 2008):
 Hi
I dont blame you for feeling the way that you are feeling. I suggest that you have a serious talk with her and make certain that this would never happen again. Tell her that you would only expect honesty from her and that right now your trust for her nis broken down. She should try and help you in rebuilding the trust for her. You need to know that if you are to forgive her (which shall take alot out of you) you are not to hold this against her. Think about what is best for you. Did this incident happen before or after you were engaged.
Regards,mail me if you wanna talk
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2008): I think she's being completely honest with you now that you're engaged to be married. An engagement is somewhat more permanent than just being in a relationship. She wants a clean slate to start your marriage with.
When this happened with this other guy (I presume it was a guy) your relationship was in its infancy and perhaps at that time she wasn't too sure where things were going with you.
To my mind there's only one 'sense' to the word 'virgin', so if she hadn't had sex before you she was a virgin when she came to you and still is if you haven't had sex with her.
Ok - maybe she should have been honest about it, but really it's not that big a deal. Maybe she was cautious about telling you and left it until now because she had an idea what your reaction would be, and by the sound of it she was right. Go easy on her - you've got yourself an honest woman!
Phil
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2008): Well, this one is a toughy, i do feel for you, because this happened to me years ago with my first husband, and i never forgot and didnt ever forgive. You have to decide if you can go on with this person any longer. How many other things has she lied about? Why tell you about it now? What is going on? You need to have a good long chat with her and find out if there are anything else that she is keeping from you. You deserve to be told things and not lied to, we all do but the future is now up to you. Can you go on with someone who has done this to you, i did, and i wished i had walked away at day one, your decision.
take care
xx
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