A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I was with a lovely girl for 10 years. We met through work, moved in together, then we bought our first home together and 8 years into the relationship we got married. We were very close and shared everything. I really thought we were going to be together forever.About a year into our marriage things weren’t going to well for us and my wife had a brief affair with a work colleague of hers. Although it broke my heart I decided to file for divorce. She moved away to stay with family until she got her own house. We remained amicable and were lucky that it wasn’t a messy divorce. This was 6 years ago.I must confess that before I found out about my wifes affair, I had also had an affair for a few months with another woman. I did feel guilty about this because I knew I loved my wife and wouldn’t want to lose her, so I stopped seeing the other woman. I know it’s no excuse, but I was more interested in the company of the other woman rather than the physical side. Sometimes we would just meet up and chat. I felt that my wife was being more career minded and in a way leaving me behind. She was only 18 when we met (I was 22) and I suppose she changed as she got older. I felt that I was becoming less important and getting the attention from someone else made me feel like I was worth something.I know it’s no excuse to go elsewhere and looking back I can see that a lot of the problems in my marriage were probably my fault anyway. I suppose I wasn’t as attentive or as caring as I should have been. We were drifting apart and I should have done more to bring us closer together again. My wife never knew about my affair but I did tell her after we got divorced. I wish I hadn’t told her – the look of shock on her face still makes me feel bad to this day.Anyway, we went our separate ways and a year or so later I met up with the woman I had the affair with and eventually moved in with her. We lived together for 5 years but I never felt settled or that she was the one. I know 5 years is a long time but I did my best to make it work. We split last summer and I felt a sense of relief. We spilt because we realised that neither of us were happy and want different things.The thing is, I never felt that I had stopped loving my ex-wife. Even my ex-girlfriend said she always felt second best.Looking back, it’s true. Once, when I had an argument with my ex-girlfriend, I went off for the day and drove to a spot that me and my ex-wife went on Honeymoon. I remember sitting in the car and crying for an hour. I even watched our favourite film on my Wedding anniversary (my and my ex-wife’s favourite film, that is.) I did that every year for 5 years!!! My ex-girlfriend was usually out or in bed when I did that.I haven’t seen my ex-wife in person for over 5 years, I’ve always wondered what she’s doing, how she is, etc. I saw her profile on Friends Reunited and she was saying where she was working, was now living with a nice man, etc. I sent her an e-mail a while ago asking how she is, etc. I didn’t hear anything which I suppose I was expecting.Then, out of the blue, I got an e-mail apologising for the delay in replying and asking me what I was doing these days. I told her about the split with my girlfriend and how things were with me. She sent me a brief reply telling me about her work and how her family are doing (I got on very well with her parents and they treated me as their own son.) She even spoke about times that we had together (getting lost on walks, etc.) She’s hardly mentioned her boyfriend (they’ve been together for 18 months.) This was a few weeks before Christmas.I haven’t heard from her since.Now, the thing is I think I’m still in love with my ex-wife. I sit back and think of all the happy things that have happened in my life and realise that they all took part with her – not with my girlfriend who I finished with last year. I’ve kept all the little love tokens, letters she wrote me, photos of holidays, etc. I’ve kept them all and it’s been 16 years since we first met.I was wondering if I should ask to meet up with my ex-wife and tell her why I split with my girlfriend and that I still have feelings for her?I know she’s in a relationship and that saying something like that could affect any sort of friendship we might have in the future. I don’t want to break them up (I’ve never even met her boyfriend) but I keep thinking that I should tell her how I feel.I’m not on the rebound or anything like that from my ex-girlfriend. I wanted out of that relationship and the more I look back the more I realise that we weren’t right for each other. It’s nothing like that.I’ve thought long and hard about this and really don’t know what to do. It’s a delicate situation to say the least! I know you’re all going to say that I’m being selfish and should forget her and find someone else, and you’re right – but I know deep down I do love my ex-wife.Any thoughts would be welcome.
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affair, anniversary, christmas, divorce, ex girlfriend, ex-wife, moved in, my ex, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2008): Well, my ex-wife has sent me an e-mail this week saying that it would be great to meet up with me for a chat and a coffee...now I'm as nervouse as hell!!
She's asked me not to tell anyone and I promised I wouldn't - which I won't (well, except for here!)
So, any suggestions how I should approach this? Should I even mention how I feel or would it be best to just see how it goes? My thinking is that if I say something about how I really feel about her, she might take offence or think I'm playing mind games and that means I could lose her completely.
Or would it be best to take this opportunity while I'm with her in person to tell her how I feel? We might not get to see each other again.
I was thinking about writing it in an e-mail to her if I don't get to say it in person, but I think something like this would be best said in person.
Any thoughts?
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2008): Firstly, I'd like to say thank you to you all for taking the time to reply - quick too!!
You've all made valid points and I agree with what you are saying overall. Definitely some interesting points to think over.
The comment from "A female reader, anonymous (11 January 2008)" about me going into the relationship with my ex-girlfriend and not giving myself time to think. I think she is spot on here. Looking back I realise that I should have given myself more time to get over my ex-wife. The other thing is although me and my ex-wife were amicable during our divorce I don't think I put a 'mental closure' on the break up. We were together one minute and seperated the next. I guess I just latched on to my ex-girlfriend and expected things to be okay. I didn't realise that I still had such strong feelings for my ex-wife.
So, I am going to take this slowly and carefully, I think. However, as I haven't heard from her for a few weeks now I guess she probably doesn't want anything from me. That's fair enough because I realise that she has probably moved on and is quite happy in her life. Although I still have these feelings for her I wouldn't want to do anything that would hurt her or cause upset in her life.
If we could remain friends then that would be great, but I know that friendships in this sort of situation don't always work (ex's being friends.)
I'll keep you posted!!
Thanks again to you all - you've helped me quite a bit.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2008): I think you have written a really heartfelt post and I can see how torn apart you are. I think you are still grieving for the loss of your marriage and that this process has actually only just started. Maybe going straight into the other relationship (with the woman you had an affair with) didn't give you enough time to think and that you've effectively been 'on ice' ever since - until now... I think the problem is possibly a lack of closure - and of course you really are saying you don't want closure at all. A long time has elapsed since you split from your ex-wife and I wonder whether too much has happened with other people for you to ever re-kindle the trust, intimacy and respect that should be a part of every relationship. I don't think anyone could or should ever say to you it could never work because sometimes you hear stories that have. I just think you need to be realistic and really work through your sadness first. Remember your ex-wife may now be very happy and why would you want to take that from her? Work on yourself before you make any attempt to really start any fresh communication with her. You need to be stronger, different somehow and more structured in your thinking. If she just sees a needy, desperate, sad person (sorry to be harsh I'm just kind of exagerrating to make the point) she will run a mile. She cannot carry you - I'm guessing she's got emotions enough herself to deal with. You need to be a little stronger for yourself too in any case because which ever way it goes with your ex-wife you will need it. I think keep some communication going - not too much and not emotive or needy. In the meantime re-motivate and maybe even re-invent yourself a little - do new stuff, hobbies or travel something to get back in touch with yourself and have new things to say about yourself and be positive about. It sounds cheesy all that perhaps but I get the feeling you are 'stuck'. I really hope you find happiness wherever and with whoever.
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A
male
reader, 2old4this  +, writes (11 January 2008):
 Yea, when your that young you definitely change alot over the next 5 to 7 years. Especially women, at least that is the assumption. Anyway, there was an initial attraction that will always kinda be there. But now it's different. She is different. and you are too. So, you have an opportunity maybe. As long as you know that whatever you have with her has to be brand new. No past, at least for a while. You want to focus on the improved you and the improved her. All this is ok as long as she is up for it too.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (11 January 2008):
 Firstly , you need to confirmed if she is taken . If she is in a relationship, you do not want to be the spoiler.Let her go.There is no necessity to tell her why you broke up with that girl.You do not want to talk bad about another person.
Leave your past behind and do not clutter her mind with your sad stories.Yesterday is gone and you are living today and for the future.
You can continue to be her friend and keep in contact of any new developments.When there is a chance, then you move in.Try to evolve more in her world for you will have better chances of a reconciliations.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (11 January 2008):
 Hi,
well for a start I think the blame can be split between the two of you - after all you both had affairs.
But you did admit you probably drove her to it, so maybe the blame is more on your side - but that's in the past - you two got together at such a young age it was probably inevitable that you would drift apart.
As for the future , you could suggest in an email if you guys want to meet up for old times sake. But try and be honest, you said you don't want to break up her new relationship - when in fact you do as you want to get back together. She won't be under any illusions if you ask her.
The only way to really tell is to ask her to meet up with you if she is reluctant she has most likely moved on and doesnt want to relight any old fires. I'm never one to suggest old couples get back together especially when one is in a current relationship, but in your case it might be worth the effort, but just be prepared to back off if she isnt interested.
Good luck.
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