A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Wife suddenly tells me she has no attraction towards me... According to her this has happened 2 years ago. She stayed on to hope things will improve. I am devastated. She never really pull up major quarrels with me till she drop this bomb on me. I was feeling very sad and dejected. But now to think of it I feel she is irresponsible, why did she say the wedding vow and agreed to marry me. As we now are going to go thru wedding customary she tells me she is unsure if we can go on. She wants us to go for Marriage counselling which i agreed. Part of me feels this is just a plan to finish it off and ask for annulment.(In this part of the world, wedding has 2 parts, Law portion and the traditional customary)
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 October 2014):
 It does not have to be just 2) or 3).
It may be much simpler causes which you haven't considered :
social / family / religious / community pressures.
I am not sure, the way you describe it, it could be a Muslim marriage ( with a nikah first and the religious ceremony later ). That would explain a lot in itself.
But since there are many religions and customs in Sinapore, you may belong to a very different one, and yet it does not change the fact, that in NO culture in the world, women are encouraged to marry out of sheer lust or physical attraction, or feeling the butterflies in her stomach. In fact, parents and society play down that a lot.
Often, a girl marries because it's time. Because she can't even think of staying single and if there is a good occasion she is encouraged / pressured to take it. Because you are a good catch, a good provider, a good man , who will guarantee solidity, stability, respect , position. Children too, the children she won't have as a single mother. You are , on paper, - an excellent bargain.
Then the girl may say , or think... Uhm ... I don't know... he is a nice guy, but he is sort of fat, I don't like him, I feel no attraction , I feel nothing special.
And her parents will say : don't be silly, daughter, you are talking rubbish. That's not important. Marriage is about making a good life together , about raising a family. You'll like him that way IN TIME- you'll get used to it, things will change.
Daughter gets convinced, some times she can get over her physical dislike, some times she can't and there are big problems.
From what you say it's not clear if this marriage has been consumed already when the legal contract was stipulated, or not yet.
If it was, it sounds like she HAS tried to get herself to like you physically/ romantically and she just could not. If not- the lack of appeal is such that she does not even want to try.
I'd say : do try marriage counseling, it can't do any harm- but if it does not work, let her have her annullment. She does not do it on purpose if she is not in love / in lust with you- and, with all good intentions, she feels as if something is sorely mmissing in your couple. Which does not mean she does not love you and appreciate you as a PERSON. She can even think you are a great,wonderful guy , from a rational / intellectual point of view.
Problem is, we aren't just made of brain and rationality...
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2014): First and foremost I am very clear I still love her. But I am still trying to get past "she had no feelings for me". She just messaged me "hope I will have a good day at work." Not sure if that is any important but it does make me feel abit better. Abit of update I manage to ask her is there any underlying issues which caused her to feel so. I read some topics on this. Seems there is always 3 reasons:1) third party involved2) too much anxiety before customary cause u to feel nothing except anxiety which makes her think there is no feelings for me.3) resentment against me but hard to say out.She assures me it's not one. So left 2 and 3. She did mention she was worried abt our sex life and having kids. She thinks I am on the fat side. She is afraid of snores. I told her this can be changed. In my mind is this really grounds for annulment?Tomorrow my parents and her parents will meet to discuss this issue. Will update the outcome.Lastly thanks for hearing me out
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A
female
reader, blondebomb2  +, writes (9 October 2014):
 Ok
Sounds like a few issues.. So lets go from the attraction point. Woman don't marry out of attraction! They marry on emotions. That is why woman think different than men. We are emotional creatures as men are physical.
She is saying she is not happy with where you and her are at.
I noticed the phrase she never really pull up major quarrels...
This seems odd to me...Because it sounds like she has been holding her thoughts inside for one reason or the other...
You have used a lot of I statements which also tells a story..., Some people show anger when there scared because anger is just fear!!...
So what are you scared of that fact of loosing her or counseling where she will be open to expressing what she feels? Or maybe any negative patterns she or you may have... If you love her make it about her and give her space and when she communicates with you truly listen, and look at it as a re dating process. This can be fun for you and her and at the end maybe you will both will be happier..
That's my wisdom!
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (9 October 2014):
Dear OP,
I can understand this is very, very hurtful, especially if you, in turn, feel attracted to her.
But it can happen this way. Women aren't exactly encouraged to follow their desire when it comes to choosing a lifetime partner. We are encouraged to look for someone responsible, healthy, good potential father etc. She probably felt a deep sympathy for you and, being young and not knowing any better, hoped that the attraction would follow, as it sometimes seems to happen. Also, she may not have had the necessary experience with dating, sex etc. to know whether or not attraction can grow over time, in her case.
Now she may realize that she made a mistake in hoping that the attraction would somehow grow during the marriage, but I'm sure she didn't know this in advance. Of course, this is hard to admit. And there's never a good time to bring up this subject.
The only thing that makes me curious is why she is bringing this up now? Is this really out of the blue or did you have some discussion or problems recently, that may have led her to confess this to you? Do you think she said it specifically to hurt you? Or was it more to ease her conscience?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 October 2014):
 She might have felt YOU would be a good partner and dad, and that she OVER time would grow love you, it just didn't happen.
DO you want to try the marriage counseling before tossing in the towel?
If you do, go for it. BE open and try.
If you don't I see no reason why not to just go for the annulment, as you did nothing wrong here.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (9 October 2014):
 Maybe for money?If you have assets you should guard them as best you can or else she'll go after them. Srry to hear ofyour trouble but some women will do this and don't carebout the problems they cause. Good Luck.
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