A
male
age
41-50,
*erenity121
writes:I am embarassed to be here writing this today as its something I never ever anticipated doing, but the truth in the matter is I need answers and help!i first met my gf 7 years ago,however back then she was with someone and we just got on as friends and that was that, i respected that she was with someone and so did she.however over a 6 year period we continually bumped into eachother once a year which was strange! however 9 months ago we bumped into eachother again and she was just splitting up with her bf of 7 years, as a person i liked her so we met for coffee on a daily basis just to talk and i gave her alot of books about self realisation , etc etc, at this stage all i wanted was to be her friend and vice versa and i made that quite clear as i thought she would need time to get herslf together and really figure out what she wants. i spent 12 years on my own after my divorce and it was something i needed having been through a terrible divorce however i got custody of my son and thats what was important, so i have been on my own a long long time and thought she would need time herself to grow as a person.anyway as time went by i got to really like this girl, she told me all the right things, that she hated liars,hated immoral people,never ever had one night stands,never saw sex as something that was done without care and emotion etc etc, wow i really began to like her,and during the course of her breakup i supported her best i could putting her in touch with various agencies due to her work problems as well etc, and at this point after about 3-4 weeks of meeting regularly i asked if she had met someone which she vehemently denied and as we were just plutonic friends at this point had no reason why to doubt this.however after 4 weeks of meeting up i took her out on my bike and i noticed bruising on her arms,i asked what they were to which she stated were through fighting(sport) i told her was odd place to have bruising and suggested telling me the truth as we were friends. so she said she slept with this guy once as it was a mistake never saw him again, i was hearbroken as i thought she wasnt the type to behave like this! however we all make mistakes but after this i was adamant i would not get involved with her even though i was falling for her, so we just met occassionally for coffee for another 4 weeks,but the thing is i really liked her and liked her company we just seemed to click if that makes sense?after another 2 weeks or so she told me how she really felt about me and i too expressed the fact i thought alot about her,so we sort of gradually got together after almost 3 months of getting to know eachother, and in all honesty i feel deeply in love with her, she made me feel vibrant, alive again and i started to have fun again in my life. as time progressed i noticed alot of inconsisitencies in what she said, and i always stated to her to please always just tell me the truth as my whole life i was lied to, even who my father was and hence cannot tolerate lies,again she stated she too detested liars!.anyway as time progressed she told me that her sons father died then stated that it wasnt his biological father but he took that role on as his own , which i understood, then i asked her if she had ever been pregnant again as i just had a gut feeling she had, to which she replied she had with her husband but had an abortion as she could raise another child on her own as he was dying. well didnt take me long to figure dates out and i asked her just to be truthful with me and the rest is not a problem so then she stated she got pregnant with a guy she was seeing and although he wanted to marry her she wasnt reay so soon after her husband had passed and didnt feel it was the right thing to do, so hence aborted the child which then broke that reltionship down.again i accepted this and thought well she must have had it hard etc, however something just kept niggling me,rumours i heard years ago etc, so i asked her out right to tell me the truth about her life which she decided to do so in writing. in her letter she professed she would never ever lie and would be total honesty from now on!so i read the letter and she told me her story which was very sad and made me cry as she went through hell and that i believe,she told me she only slept with 6 guys and had only flings very short relationships with 2 guys which i werent bothered about , however it was just the persistent lying,after reading the letter i accepted this and thought well at least she will now be honest, anyway i had a drean that she was totally honest and i went to see her and expressed that even though she wrote a very long letter i really want to know the truth about everything she started to cry then stated well it was actually 3 flings not one night stands as shed never do that and the rest abouth the abortion etc as true. at this point i just felt so exasperted and asked her why lie, all i want is truth and the rest you can deal with as with truth comes trust,and i told her i was done with her. she then stated she couldnt tell me truth as she knew what sort of woman i expected of her and stated that its actually 6 men she had flings with and 3 were one night stands so in essence she slept with alot of guys which devasted me but more so were the lies, i understand why she lied but i feel duped that the woman i met told me she stood for a lot morally than the woman i eventually knew! however i do love her but find this a major struggle especially as i let myself love another woman after so many years on my own and i feel kind of betrayed only in the essence of being lied to!!. i really am at my wits end and dont know what to do, i have been unable to concentrate on work for sometime and this has really affected my well being, but i do love her, but how do i trust her, how do i love a woman who in my opinion has been easy for other men to sleep with,i am worth more than that!i am beside myself and really would appreciate some honesty from someone out there to ease my burden and help me understand why the lies and help me move on please!do i do what my heart says or my head? which is my heart is full of love and try and be understanding and compassionate, my head however says run like hell!please help i value your honest unbiased opinions.many thanks and god bless you all
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abortion, divorce, liar, move on, one night stand, period Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, serenity121 +, writes (25 November 2010):
serenity121 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you, thats made a bit of sense to me!!
A
male
reader, alternaterealities  +, writes (25 November 2010):
 See when you toss out these large moral expectations before you get to know someone, esepcially someone with a troubled past, it puts pressure on them.
My ex had a very crazy life filled with anything and everything the would have made me run for the hills and never look back. He was very honest which on one hand was nice, and on the other, I didn't need to know all those things out the gate because it put lots of crap in my head.
Trying to meet someones expectations is a natural thing to want to do, but we need to not put that on people so quickly. Though you took your time building things, it sounds as if you started it off on this moral mission. You set a very high bar from the first cup of coffee and while I don't condone lying, you need to cut her a little slack and look at that.
Only you can say if you can trust her with your heart. Is she a liar, or someone that lied because they feared you wouldn't give them a chance otherwise? There is a gray area. That's what you need to consider
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2010): ~RUN FORREST!!! RUN!!!~
She's seems to be a compulsive liar. Is that the type of person you want to share a future with? Is that the type of unnecessary, wasteful, energy you want in your life? If so, I suspect you're into "Voluntar glutten for punishment.
Run!
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