A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I regrettably have feelings towards another man. I’ve been in a long-term relationship with a man for almost my whole adult life and we have a child. Nearly two years ago this was challenged for the first time. A man with whom I work suddenly took my attention away. We’d worked together for a while, had got along quite well and out of nowhere (over a completely mundane task) I suddenly saw him in a different light. It made me cry, this realisation that the thing I was so certain of – being steadfast in my devotion to my partner – that I could, without reason or warning, feel so moved by someone else. It’s been ages that I’ve tried to purge these feelings and I’m at least proud to testify that I’ve searched the depths of my will-power. There have been periods where I’ve successfully felt nothing but pure platonic affection but these stretches inevitably end and I find myself desiring him again. I think I must love him, pure and simple, but I don’t know what to do about it. I’ve tried ignoring it, justifying it, etc., but I’m now wondering whether I should embrace it rather than run away from it.Just some further detail – is it reciprocated? There’s no easy answer. For ages I wasn’t sure and then we found ourselves confessing our feelings for one another a few months back. Afterwards, we talked about the guilt of cheating on our respective partners. Both of us being shy, neither of us ventured to take it further (plus, for me at least, it scared me that taking things further would massively change my life). We’ve occasionally hugged and held hands since but nothing more. From my side, it’s sometimes difficult to handle the sexual tension between us. That’s where I’m confused – I’m not over these feelings. I enjoy his company so much – he fills me with great comfort – but what of it? I hate the fact that I’ve tried so hard to just get over it but failed. Also a bit about me – I know the difference between lust and love and feel that my affection towards this man is more love, though it’s quite lusty as well. I’m not in the happiest relationship but it’s generally comfortable (though admittedly he’s never affected me in the same way as this other guy). And I’ve not ever experienced anything like this before – only superficial crushes that don’t stick around. So I’ve tried to be all logical and just wait and wait for feelings to subside (and ignore them as best I can in the meantime), but my heart keeps leading me back to this man and I’m just wondering whether this is happening for some greater reason.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2010): There is no easy answer here as neither of you is free. Heartbreak looms if you are not careful. Sadly it would be better if you could distance yourself from this man so you are not constantly aware of this attraction. I think you know the options here: you have an affair with all the guilt that entails. Or you cut off this man which will be painful for you. In a ideal world you would both make yourselves free to pursue a relationship.Unless you are ultimately prepared to lose your husband I would take things no further no matter how much that upsets you.
A
female
reader, QuirkLady  +, writes (24 November 2010):
 Can you transfer to a different department? Switch your hours? As long as you're around him all the time you will have to fight these feelings. Distance will help them fade. In the meantime be very careful. You might find yourself without either relationship.
As far as logic goes, logic is a consistent loser in the battle of the heart. Look at the other questions on here. You'll see what I mean.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2010): I hear ya Lady ! been in the exact same place for the last year. Chances are the ' new guy' makes you feel loved and attractive and other feelings your spouse / partner no longer evoke. Chances also are HE' sees you as an easy lay, and you might get very hurt. Choose your next steps with caution...hugs
Arvi
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