A
male
age
41-50,
*onaldo
writes:Hi there.I first used this site back in late April when I'd just started seeing a girl I work with. Since then, I've been on a rollercoaster ride of emotions and now I hope I've finally reached the end. So please bear with me. Thanks.I promised myself I'd take things slowly and she had been hurt in the past by the father of her kid. She said she was ready to date again and thought I was the perfect gentleman. I knew it might be risky back then if things went wrong as I'd have to see her at work most days.We got along great but then the ex decided he wanted her back. I knew this was her dream for her kid to have a proper family so I understood her reasons for giving it another go with him, despite the fact he's a pretty nasty piece of work.A couple of months passed and she said she was going to get a house and get married. This hurt a little as we were getting closer all the time and in my head at least I kept asking myself 'what if?' and that she deserved better than him.Then in late August, they split for good after he said she was worthless and brought him down. She was devastated but did well to hide the true extent of her hurt. I'd been an ear for her and made her laugh when she was sad. I was the first person she told when the break up happened.At the time, she admitted to wanting to be close to me and that I had been part of the reason why it ended with her ex. We got pretty close again and for my birthday she booked me us a room at a hotel as a surprise. It took me aback because I knew I was falling into "rebound territory" yet I didn't want to reject her and I still had feelings for her.She wanted to sleep with me but as we had no protection I said no. It was probably the best and worst decision i've made.Two weeks later, she said she had to try and mend the friendship with her ex. I found out she slept with him because she said she'd do anything to keep a family together. She knew he was using her yet she still did it.I tried to forgive her and she couldn't believe that I still cared for her after everything. I saw a genuinely beautiful person, but thought she'd just been messed around so much that she couldn't trust a man. Maybe she felt guilty, but we decided to set out that we could only be friends. She said she couldn't see herself with anyone else. Despite all I'd done and the fact he treated her like scum, he was still the one, which was hard for me to take at first.However, being friends was proving difficult. I went out with her and her son but I suppose in the back of my mind I thought maybe there was still a chance. But recently, her attitude has changed towards me, being less open and forthcoming and refusing to come out for works drinks.I confronted her about it because I knew something was up. She said I was to blame for her split with the ex and that her son had lost his dad, that I had turned people against her and made her feel guilty for liking me but not being with me. I know he has mental problems and I'm sure he's using me as a scapegoat for his behaviour.This was like a dagger through the heart and now I'm all over the place. I thought I'd at least get a friend out of this but I don't even like her anymore. I can't believe anything she's said in the past six months and I feel like a fool for trusting her. Why did she lash out at me when all I've ever done is consider her feelings? I've putmyself through hell and for what? I was blind and foolish.
View related questions:
at work, her ex, I work with, mental problems Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2007): Listen here, life is about choices. This woman has clearly demonstrated her bad judgement, and now she has demonstrated her poor character in choosing to blame you of all people for her "split with her man" and her son now has no home. Give me and f'n break! She is just as screwed up as her abusive boyfriend, she likes the drama, and you ARE A SCAPEGOAT for a shallow, irresponsible immature woman. My guess is she is very pretty in your eyes, and that is why you tolerate her BS. Pretty is as pretty does....you don't deserve this. You are a real putts for leaving yourself open to this kind of manipulation. You have already wasted months of your life with this person and her unsettled life....you can't save her, and you are only showing your own inability to deal with your own issues by distracting yourself with a woman who cannot commit to you and has all this trashy drama going on in her life. Problem is all this ick is getting on you....do you really want to get down there in the dirt with her and her man? I think not....let her go to make her own choices....she is a clear idiot.
A
male
reader, Dr. John  +, writes (1 December 2007):
 Consider an injured animal. Even if you try to help it they will often try to bite you simply because they are frightened and don't know why they hurt. They just lash out because it is an instinctive reaction of self preservation.
It sounds like she is in this same kind of situation. She is hurt but doesn't know why or what is causing the hurt so she lashes out at even those who care and want to help.
In short, if you still care for her at all, don't give up on her. Give her time to heal the wounds caused by all the jacking around she has had lately. Be there for her when she needs you but make sure she has the room she needs.
I sincerly hope this helps. Doc
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2007): She probably went into a fit of emotions and tried to blame you rather than blame herself for what's happening. It will probably pass.But that's kind of irrelevant because I don't think things are gonna work either way. Here's the part that you will hate but you have to start thinking about. If she was really finished with her ex, she wouldn't be trying to reconcile this thing with him and putting "the dream" back together. A woman who is ready to move on and has a better guy right in front of her face does not run off and try to patch things up with Dr. Evil (and sleep with him at the time too). I do not think she's finished with her ex yet and there's nothing you can do about it. She obviously has got to make herself a bigger mess before she'll learn. She's probably trying to pin these reconciliation feelings on the fact that it would help her child, but I really doubt that's the truth of it. (I get the feeling that YOU would help her child a hell of a lot more and anyone with half a brain would already know it.) The child's welfare is just the excuse for her own need to be abused some more by her ex.So I think you have got to walk away from this. I'm sure she's a great person, but that has nothing to do with whether she wants to be in a relationship with another great person. You have your own self-respect to think about too. (If you don't hold up A LOT of self-respect with this girl, then you'll lose her just as surely as if you refuse to forgive her and walk away right now.) It sounds like you're the nice guy that she wants to be madly in love with, but the problem is that you're not enough of a bad boy for her so you'll always be second-best with her. Not to mention being stuck raising bad-boy's child too. (I don're care how much you might like the kid right now, just wait until the kid is a teenager and starting to really show the ex's contribution to the personality. It won't be fun.)I say she "wants" more mess with the ex, because the actions that she goes out and does really ARE exactly what she wants. The outcomes she says she really wants (and even what she herself might believe that she really wants) count for nothing when her actions are screaming a different story. She might not "want" to be treated like crap with the ex, but she has demonstrated that she "wants" the ex more than the alternative and she is willing to tolerate the downsides that he brings. Actions, not words. Don't ever forget that.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2007): I'm not saying this is right, or in any way justifying her lashing out at you, but I think that because you've always been the shoulder to cry on for her. She's most comfortable showing you her suffering that she took everything out on you. That was her way of venting. She needed someone to blame, and you were always there. I know this because I've done the same thing to someone I cared about - recently, too. And I wouldn't be surprised if she came back to you again to ask for your sympathy.I think you sound like a good and intelligent guy, and that you deserve a woman who is in an easier situation who won't have anything else interfering with her love for you. This girl may come back to you apologizing, or wanting to get back together with you. It's up to you to decide if you really want to go through this anymore. In my opinion, she's likely to leave you again and again as long as her ex is in the picture. Good luck, hope you keep us posted.
...............................
|
