A
female
age
41-50,
*emy
writes:My husband and I went to his brothers house for a small family cookout, and of course they were drinking.That was not a problem. My problem was that he was in the corner with his nephew and his nephew girlfriend and they were talking about going to shoot pool, (I don't know anything about shooting pool)I heard him say he wanted to go shoot some pool right then and there, so I stepped outside and I text him to come outside where I was.All I did was ask him if he was trying to hang out that night, then if so he could have taken me home.He flips out, starts yelling at me, cursing at me.All I did was ask a simple question, so I gatherd my wallet out of the car and proceed to walk home. His mom came outside and he just lost it even more.So I gatherd my things and proceed to walk home.He drove behind me. We arrived home and he was saying that every time his family comes home it is a problem! (Not true) He was yelling and screaming that he can't take it anymore, he tired, etc. So things kinda calmed down, I went to him and apologized to him and explained to him that if I read things wrong that I was truly sorry, and that all he had to do was just state that and leave it at that; but now he won't accept my apology.He hates me all behind one simple question! Help me understand what is happening here he acts like I had sex with a family member of something, I mean WOW!!! I even asked him if we could pray he said NO!!! So now he is thinking about throwing away a 7 year relationship over this!! Could it be more to this and I'm not seeing it for what it is worth?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 June 2015):
 You can also call this number TODAY for a referral for help: 1-800-799-7233 or visit http://www.thehotline.org
That site has this to say about abuse:
"Domestic violence and abuse stems from a desire to gain and maintain power and control over an intimate partner. Abusive people believe they have the right to control and restrict their partner, and they may enjoy the feeling that exerting power gives them. They often believe that their own feelings and needs should be the priority in the relationship, so they use abusive tactics to dismantle equality and make their partner feel less valuable and deserving of respect in the relationship.
"No matter why it happens, abuse is not okay and it’s never justified.
"Abuse is a learned behavior. Sometimes people see it in their own families. Other times they learn it from friends or popular culture. However, abuse is a choice, and it’s not one that anyone has to make. Many people who experience or witness abuse growing up decide not to use those negative and hurtful ways of behaving in their own relationships. While outside forces such as drug or alcohol addiction can sometimes escalate abuse, it’s most important to recognize that these issues do not cause abuse."
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Please be safe.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 June 2015):
Remy, I remember you posting about your husband before. He's abusive when he drinks. http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-husband-is-drinking-again.html
Did you go to Al-Anon? That would really be the most important step you can take in dealing with this irrational drunkard. Also, be sure you have a safe place to go when he gets drunk as you don't want to be physically abused again: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/we-got-into-my-argument-over-my-husbands.html
What is happening here is that your husband is drinking and becomes irrational and acts like a complete ass. Why are you tolerating this type of behavior from him?
Back in 2013, you wrote about this same drunk abusive husband: "A female reader, remy United States +, writes (28 April 2013):
I am so sorry to hear about your situation, I'm in a similar situation my self, my husband drinks and sometimes get violent, I can't even begin to tell u how violent but its pretty bad, the only difference between you and I is I haven't left yet. I guess its a big difference when you are married and dating, it came to a point where I did put him out and guess what because I was feeling the same way you were I let him right back in. Now I'm not so sure I did the right thing. I just hope u continue to find your way and stay strong, have faith. And maybe your story will give me the strength to do what I have to do. Good luck."
Please please please get to an Al-Anon meeting TODAY! Here is the link to find one near you: http://www.al-anon.org
Good luck, I hope you get that help TODAY!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2015): Things do build-up over time. You may not be aware of subtle or even obvious changes in your relationship. You may be in denial.
Perhaps your calling him on the cell phone to leave didn't go over very well, and appeared somewhat rude. You could have just walked over to him, excused yourself; and asked him to take you home, if they were making other plans. Instead, you were pouting; because you don't shoot pool. Pulling him aside to take you home caused unnecessary drama. Then walking to add more fuel to the fire. Drawing even more attention than was necessary, and disrupting the party. You got your way.
He was wrong to yell, but attribute that to the drinking.
The rest was annoyance.
He got annoyed with you texting him, while he was having a conversation. You've apparently done this before. Perhaps just one time too many. I think he was embarrassed and felt you were separating him from the others; to assert your control, and to sideline his plans. Mainly, because YOU didn't want to go; so nor should he.
Your demeanor and attitude in certain situations, may be contrary to the things you say. People are often passive-aggressive about things. Thinking this will avoid an argument or disagreement. Sometimes it causes just the opposite. It makes things all the more volatile.
Yes, there is more to it than you may be aware of. He may be missing his freedom, and could be contemplating a breakup. All he wants is an excuse. If you think he is clearly overreacting, that may be a sign he's about ready to make that move.
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A
female
reader, Pixiebreath76 +, writes (20 June 2015):
 It almost sounds like he was looking for a reason to start a fight, as a reason to divorce. Either he just doesn't want to be married anymore, or maybe he has wandering eyes and hands. I may be wrong, but I think it's worth looking into.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (20 June 2015):
 WHY, did you not sidle up to that conversation... listen politely.... then say, "Heck, if you guys are going to go play pool, I'd just-as-soon come along and watch."?
In my opinion, your "style" was provocative.... I wouldn't give hubby a "pass" for acting as he did.... but it's understandable that he reacted to what he interpreted as jealously and "controlling-ness".....
Good luck...
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