A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am not sure whether my question is about sibling rivalry or self esteem but here goes.I have always found life difficult, often feeling like I can never have long periods of happiness in even though I do try and remain positive.As much as possible it always feels like as soon as I reach a place where I am happy the rug is pulled under my feet some how. I haven't been as successful as I want to be in life but in the last few years have strived to make something of myself, as a result I now have a house, I'm engaged and I am developing a career. However there is one thing that hangs over me no matter what. My parents.My father was abusive, as a result my mother left him. My father still holds me some how responsible for this and therefore I have had no relationship with him for ten years. My sister however is a different story. He dotes on her.. Yet there are no major differences between us. My mother is not far off... I feel completely used by her, she takes what she can from me.... Help money etc but doesn't bother with me as I seem to feel a mother should with her daughter. I always feel like I could walk in with my pants on my head and she would just start talking about herself.yet my sister walks in and its how wonderful she is... Even though she's just as normal and every day as I am As a result of this and other things I was diagnosed with depression from when I was a young teen... I have worked hard on this.. Going from a place where at points didn't want to be here to someone who I feel is relatively together.Yet my relationship with both parents still is the thorn in my side that sends me spiralling back. I hold no resentment against my sister. I love her and understand she does not do Anything to hurt me. However I just cant get my head around why I appear to not matter to my parents and as much as I have worked on rationalising it ( its there choice \loss\ not my fault) it still leaves me feeling lonely and isolated.Does anyone else have this and how do you cope?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2015): It's lovely to hear you have not turned bitter against your sibling,you should feel very proud of that fact. Please stay strong in it and never turn your resentment towards her as many do. Your Parents, yes they are your parents and you expect a certain something from them, you will never get it,they are what they are and it is not your fault. You will never think you can please them so stop trying. I would distance yourself from your parents,why do you need to see them so much. This is so common in family ( even though you probably feel alone). You don't need them, you need you to become a happy individual. We don't always have answers in these situations,but most parental relationships have some problem, please don't let it ruin your self esteem. Thank goodness we can chose our friends.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (21 June 2015):
 P.S. If you are still waiting to be validated and valued and loved by your dysfunctional and AWFUL parents? Stop waiting. Coping with this realization is going to involve getting some great counseling. And you know what? That's okay. You are not the cause of your parents' divorce. You are not responsible for their happiness or lack thereof. You are entitled to live your own life and set your own expectations and there is no F$%king reason that you need to continue living with depression.... that hidden anger thing....
I suffered from depression and worked through it with counseling and thanks to a holistic doctor, appropriate and not addictive medications. People who tell you that medication and therapy don't work? Screw them. They know nada. They haven't been there.
So.
Get to a great counselor. Be sure you aren't sabotaging your life because of some remnants of awful parenting!
Go girl! Continue being brave and living your life! Go get that professional help to ensure you have all the coping skills you might need!
P.S. It's okay to live your life.... :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2015): You're in your thirties. You are mature enough to say what's on your mind; and effectively communicate or articulate your feelings to each of your parents.
Withholding your feelings is what's killing you inside. Not so much what they do, or don't do. You harbor and suppress a lot of anger and resentment that you've bottled-up for all these years. I believe you do resent your sister, and there is a lot of blame being passed around in your family.
You love your sister. She hasn't done anything to you. So each and every-time you meet, or leave each other. Tell her you love her. This will release oxytocin and serotonin into your system. From then on, each time you see her, you will have a good feeling inside. Never close a phone call without saying, "I love you sis!" It will not be phony or forced; because you really do. I read a lot of love in your post. That's what hurts you so much inside. I feel you.
One of the ways people set themselves free, is having a heart to heart talk with the parent (or sibling) that has caused them the most pain. I said talk, not an argument or premeditated guilt-trip. Find a quiet and lovely place to take your mother; where it is somewhat secluded, but has sedate and lovely scenery. Near the ocean, a lake, or the countryside.
Ask her to have a long talk with you. Ask her to just listen, not to talk. Then when you're done, stop and listen to what she has to say. Tell her the ground-rules are, that no one loses their temper; or interrupts the other when they're talking. Then, at the end you hug. No matter what was said between you. Bare your soul to that woman. She is your mother. She has known you since your first kick in her womb. There is nothing she doesn't know about you; accept what you hold inside you. Tell her exactly what you feel. Practice it over and over when you are alone; until you get the courage and opportunity to make it real. Don't let either of those people die, before you set yourself free.
Your father is not likely to be agreeable to a meeting. At least not from the start. So, in his case. Write a letter.
Let it be as long as you want it to be. Even if he never reads that letter, you will have expressed your pain directly at him. The point is, to let go of all your pain and expose all your resentment to daylight. Tell him how wrong he was about you, and how his stubbornness has destroyed your relationship. Tell him directly it was his abuse that destroyed everything. Not you! You will no longer take responsibility, or the blame, for what HE did to hurt the family.
Your truth will no longer remain hidden in the dark recesses of your mind and memory. It would be therapeutic to know you wrote the words. Before you send the letter, when you're alone, read it out-loud to yourself. You have held a lot of anger, hurt, and sadness in your heart because of these people. You shouldn't carry that burden by yourself. They should share it; because they put it there.
I think you do matter to your parents. If you don't, at least set yourself free by telling them the truth as you know it. If it doesn't make things all warm and fuzzy between you; before they leave this planet, you will have dumped all the pain they've caused you in their laps to think about. They will either ignore and resent your honesty; or they will seek your forgiveness. In any case, you will have unloaded a lot that has been holding you back.
My warmest regards to you, my dear lady.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (21 June 2015):
A friend of mine had an absolutely awful father. He was abusive to her mother and her siblings. She was addicted to food, alcohol and cigarettes. She was so unhealthy and looked so unhappy.
What helped her? Counseling. Following her doctor's recommendations. Medication (that she no longer uses) to end the cigarette addiction. Friends. Acknowledging that her father was an absolute disaster and that she should not, need not, pretend otherwise.
She now has two lovely grandchildren, her daughter is happily married to a nice guy and she is finding herself after all this time. Accepting herself....
Why am I going on about this friend?
Because I don't think that you are going to be able to move past this without some competent counseling help.
I could tell you that your parents are a disaster and that you don't need to accept or absorb their ridiculous antics toward you... That you are a worthwhile and valuable human being with a purpose and whose life has meaning and riches you haven't even experienced yet.
You are reaching out and asking. Take that to an awesome therapist (ask your doctor if you need to find one) and you can go on about enjoying the life that you built through your perseverance and courage.
Time to dip down back into that reserve of strength and common sense and get the help you will need to cope with the fact that you have ridiculous and awful and abusive parents....
I know you feel that you need to fulfill some ingrained concept of duties to your mother.... has it occurred to you that she should have fulfilled some reasonable list of motherly duties toward you?
Let her go. Be a nice person to her but don't continue to be the scapegoat.
How do you cope? With some really good pro help and letting go of the notion that your parents are normal in any sense of the word.
Depression is anger that has been buried. Do you know that?
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A
female
reader, AuntieZ  +, writes (20 June 2015):
It sounds like it is your sister with the self esteem problem. She is probably worried that your parents will favour you and therefore tries to make herself seem perfect. It is good that you still love your sister and hold no resentment to her- she probably needs you more than ever right now. I would recommend talking to your parents and telling them everything you have told me here.Good Luck,AuntieZ.
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