A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for three years now and we recently broke up, It was my fault but I guess we are not ready to let go so we started texting each other and talking on the phone all the time. We are still taking it slow as no-one brought up the subject of getting back together but we flirt a lot so I assume there is still hope. I just called him and he was with his cousins, some I know and some I haven't met since they live in another city, he answered the phone in another room because they were making a lot of noise but that isn't the problem. One of his cousins came in the room and started talking to him asking him about something then he answered so I could hear the conversation next thing his cousin asks who he's talking to on the phone and he answers 'this other girl...' then put me on hold. I know I hurt him and it was my fault that we broke up but dd he refer me as 'this other girl' because he doesn't see a future with me? Did he refer me as that because he still feels we need to talk things in a proper way to be able to call me his girlfriend again? I'm really torn by this but he called and apologised but I told him 'it's nothing, we friends after all, right?' then he could sense I was down but I started talking to him like I normally do to 'show' him i was over what I overheard. Thank you so much in advance*
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male
reader, Deeptoot  +, writes (4 December 2012):
Relationships sadly do not always workout, but the end of a relationship is not the end of you. Sometimes it can be the best thing for you, but they are not always easy. Sometimes moving on can be really difficult. Trying figure out what to do next, what to do with your time now that it seems you have no one to spend that time with. Going around just asking yourself the same question, what do I do now? Well there are many things you can do to make getting over someone a whole lot easier and even enjoyable at some points. Some good suggestions that I have come up with are to spend more time focusing on yourself by doing things that you want to do, hanging out with friends, and just getting out in the world and keeping yourself occupied.
Devoting your time to yourself can range from any number of activities. You can maybe start an exercise regimen and go on bicycle rides or sign up with a gym, maybe do yoga since it helps to level ones’ self out, or even start a bowling team. The possibilities are literally endless with the things you can do. You are only limited by your imagination. Just do anything that comes to your mind. Things that will make you feel good and happy like seeing a new movie that has just been released or even a shopping spree if you have a little bit of money to burn. This time it is all about YOU, the sky is the limit.
Then if you like you can spend time with your friends. This can be very therapeutic because your friends care about you and want what is best for you and want nothing but for you to feel better and get over your previous relationship. They have your best interest in mind. And one of the best parts about spending more time with your friends is that if you include them in the activities you want to do it makes those activities a million times better! Not only will you be enjoying yourself but you will also be enjoying yourself in the company of good friends. And most importantly of all if you ever need someone to talk to about things that are bothering you or if you just need someone to talk to they will be there for you.
Last but most importantly is to get out into the world! Go out and enjoy yourself. Meet new people. Maybe learn new things that you did not know before or do something that you have never done before. Possibly go out on a road trip with your friends to a place that you have always wanted to go to. Or maybe do something exciting and extreme like bungee jumping or going paintballing. You can also take some classes to learn something that you have always wanted to learn like something artistic or learning a new language for some suggestions. Do not stay inside sulking over past failures and misfortunes. Just get out there in the world and experience as much as life has to offer. Who knows, you just may meet that special someone along the way.
So as you see, getting over a relationship and moving does not have to be an excruciating or painful experience and in a way it can be some of the best times of your life. Getting out and active in the world, having good times with friends, and just doing things that you enjoy will help you to move on to your next thing in life. Just remember that the sky is the limit with whatever it is that you want to do with your newly acquired free time. Getting over someone is not easy, but it does not have to be horrible. I hope that this advice helps you in some way. Good luck with your future endeavors.
A
male
reader, amel72 +, writes (4 December 2012):
25 Nov 2012
In relationships you grow strong feelings for your partner and if you break things up, you will still have those feelings left over even if you like it or not. I believe that most people who ended a relationship dwells on the past of all the good memories they had with their ex and find it difficult to move on with their lives. I do understand that you have feelings left over for your ex, but I feel that for best thing to do is to move on for the best for you and your ex. There are many tips on how to move on like finding someone else to fulfill the needs that your ex had fulfilled in the past, put all your energy on yourself to make yourself happy instead of putting all your energy worrying if you will get back together with your ex, and finally remove any items that reminds you of your ex so it will be easier to move on.
In the book of the lovecoach it says “The main reason we struggle to let go in a romantic situation is that we still believe that our ex-partners is there to meet our needs”. This means that during the relationship some needs were met because you were with some significant other. I understand that it’s hard to fulfill those needs by yourself when your ex fulfilled them for a long time. Here’s a tip that could help and that is to find somebody else to fulfill those needs it might not be right away or easy but when you’re ready, go and try and find somebody else you should go for it. There are many other people that can fulfill those needs.
If you invest all your energy on the relationship that has ended I don’t think the outcome will be bad for you at the end of the day. I think putting all your energy on a relationship that has ended and on an ex that doesn’t have the same feelings is like waiting in an airport for a train to stop by. So I think you should put all your energy in your personal growth. In the “Rebuilding-When your relationships ends” by Dr. Fisher he mentions, “In contrast, the greatest possible return comes from investment in you”. The quote is saying that the greatest reward you can get is focusing on yourself and making yourself happy. If you focus on yourself you will I believe become more confident in yourself.
Going through your house you might see items that could remind you of your ex and bring up some feelings. “Go through your house and remove all of those things that tend to keep you thinking about your former love partner” (Fisher). If you remove all the items I feel will help you everyday and make it easier to move on. It’ll make it easier by not running into those items and bringing back those feelings, and if those items are not there it will be easier to forget them. I do understand that it will difficult to remove all those items and memories, but you should do it even if it takes a long time, get rid those items to be successful to move on.
So after reading your letter asking for help, I understood that you still have some feeling left for your ex and did not know what to do. So basically my advice would be just to move on with your life, and finding someone’s to fulfill the needs your ex provided, putting all your energy in yourself, and removing all the items that reminds you of yore ex from your house it could all help you move on in your life. Yea it might be difficult if you don’t want to do it right away do it gradually and eventually being able to forget the past relationships.
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A
female
reader, pinknail07 +, writes (4 December 2012):
People tend to get attach to the person they love so when they recently separate after a very long relationship one believes he/she can still save it. A breakup between two people in a relationship is hard to both parties involved, since for as long as they were together they used their energy, time, and emotions to make it work. People that were in a long relationship and ended it in good terms seem to have a harder time ending the daily talks they had with their ex. Although some people do fix their difference and get back together since they both worked things out, not all are fixable because it is mostly one party that can’t let go.
Knowing if there is a way to fix a break up and return together is difficult. A person in love has the reaction to fight for what they lost and reunite with their love, but let’s face it that does not work unless both people are fighting. Dr. Diana Kirschner is a psychologist and love expert who wrote the book, Love in 90 Days, and she makes some very clever points in her book about relationship and dating. She also has an online website and wrote an article where she helps people like you figure out what to do in a situation like yours. In your case you were the one that pushed him away, and for that, you cannot expect him to rush to your side. You said “we are not ready to let go so we started texting each other and talking on the phone all the time,” but is it really both him and you trying to retrieve the love or just you holding on? The two of you may have trouble breaking the habits created from the relationship and therefore the two are still talking to one another. Another online website called Love-Sessions offers an excellent article that addresses your issue if the two may be able to get together. It gives signs if your relationship can work again or if you may be holding on a dead-end relationship. One of its signs of a dead-end relationship is a lack of consideration because both people are not willing to make the relationship work. It seems to me that you are willing to make your relationship work but your ex might not. Whatever you did, you were the one that pushed him away, and now you are suffering from that mistake.
Give him and yourself time to sort out feelings you two may have and you might have to risk telling him your feeling. After a short while, he and you might have different feeling. Texting each other and talking on the phone could have been excuses to easing the pain of your breakup. You wrote “d[i]d he refer me as 'this other girl' because he doesn't see a future with me,” that is hard to say since he did apologize. Since neither you nor I know what is going through his head we can only assume from the actions he makes. I do not think he did it to hurt you, but it does still seem like he may have feeling for you. He might want to get back with you, yet he can still be hurt by what you did to him. Let some time pass and if you still have the same feeling towards him, and if he still speaks to you then you must be honest and tell him how you feel. If you really believe that you may have a chance, then take a risk and tell him. By telling him how you feel there are two possible outcomes, one he rejects you and the other and the two of you work things out. Both are respectable outcomes for you, yes getting rejected by the person you love is difficult, but at least you were honest and you can move on.
Love is about the choices one makes, you made a mistake that caused your ex and you pain. The next choices you make may or may not be the best, but if you are sincere and honest to him the result could be nice. After a breakup, especially a long relationship like yours, people have that urge to keeping on fighting for what they had before and it may or may not work. I cannot guarantee that it will be a happy ending but you may find peace in knowing what he feels. I wish you the best of luck and take care.
For more information about love and relationships, here are two websites that may help you:
Dr. Diana Kirschner’s website article and book can be found at: http://lovein90days.com/when-and-how-to-get-back-with-my-ex-7-signs-to-help-you-know/
The website for the article in dead-end relationship at Love- Sessions is : http://www.love-sessions.com/dead_end_relationship.htm
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A
female
reader, girlwithabow +, writes (1 December 2012):
People that are in relationships go through difficult times and problems while in the relationship. Being in a relationship is never easy and takes work that’s why many people break up even though they still love one another, because one person does something bad to betray their partners trust. Without trust in the relationship the relationship won’t work out due to the possibility of paranoia about cheating. When you did whatever it was that you did you lost your boyfriends trust and pretty much lost him, even though you still text each other it might be because you were together for so long that you don’t want to lose what you had. Something can be done to fix the situation at hand which is that your ex-boyfriend called you the other girl even though you see a future with him there is a possibility of saving the relationship you have with him, for instance you can try to get your boyfriends trust back, talk about the problem that occurred finding a way to fix it, and being able to forgive yourself are something that can be done to save your relationship. Trust is always a key component in a relationship, and without trust the relationship can fall apart. If your boyfriend meant that much to you, you should try to gain his trust back and show him that you don’t want another guy that you only want him. Show him this by showing that you care about him by always being there for him. Another thing you should do is to express the feelings that you are having and talk to him about them you should be able to “talk openly with your partner”(Daniels). You shouldn’t be keeping things from the one you love because you are only hurting yourself and your loved one by keeping these things from him. Once you start lying to him you will lose the trust he has for you. Talking to each other about the problems occurring is something a couple should do often to resolve them. Problems are always happening in a relationship and the best way to get through them is to talk about the problem with each other. When the problem first started occurring between your boyfriend and yourself, you should have “identified the problem [and] taken a step in the right direction” (Daniels). because it affects the both of you. Talking about things that are going on in the relationship is a way to fix them instead of keeping them bottled up inside. If the two of you don’t communicate there is a chance that the both of you would have problems because you don’t express the feelings that you are having. Resolving the problems that you are having by talking about them is the best way to figure out what is going on and how you can fix it together.Being forgiven for your actions takes a lot of courage from the person you hurt, because it’s not an easy thing to do. In order to be forgiven for your actions and start new you need to first forgive yourself for hurting your boyfriend. Once you are forgiven there is a chance for the both of you to save the relationship that you have with him. Being able to forgive someone takes lots of time and courage to heal according to the GET YOUR EX BACK FAST SITE you need to learn to “forgive the mistakes and forget”. It will take your ex-boyfriend some time before he is able to forgive you but he eventually will and you will be able to go with the relationship as it was before. Hope isn’t lost in a relationship until the both you don’t feel the same way about each other. The both of you still kept in touch and flirted while broken up shows that there is still a possibility to save the relationship. There are things to be done in order to save the relationship however, like earning back his trust, communicating about the things that go on between the two of you, and forgiving one another. The feelings of a three year long relationship are still there after the two of you have been broken up that is why the two of you still kept in touch that means there is still a chance to reignite the flames of your love. Achieving the three things of trust, communication, and forgiveness can help save the relationship that you clearly still have with your ex-boyfriend, there is still hope for the both of you to be happy and be in each others future. For more information about how to save your relationship visit these websites.http://www.mademan.com/mm/10-tips-saving-your-relationship.htmlhttp://getyourexbackfastsite.com/how-to-save-your-relationship-in-5-easy-ways/
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A
female
reader, marie.m  +, writes (25 November 2012):
Hi, it sounds like you need to sit down face to face and have an honest conversation with him as to where things are really at for both of ye and what both of ye feel about the future, be it friendship or relationship. You did not say how you hurt him, but it sounds like he is still hurt and unable to admit it was you he was talking to on the phone.
There is nothing like a good open honest conversation no matter how hard that may be, it can put clarity on the situation. Maybe he had told his cousins whatever it was that happened in ye'r relationship and he would have felt they might not be happy he was talking to you after hurting him. Be honest with him about how you feel and even if he does not want to go back into a relationship with you, it is better to know the truth, otherwise you will be head wrecked from trying to figure stuff out that he says or does. Ring him and tell him ye need to meet and talk . I hope that helps. Best of luck.
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