A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:hey recently my boyfriend cheated on me and im having a really hard time dealing with it... what keeps playing on my mind is WHY?? i just want to know so i can try to logically understand the concept however when i asked him he said it was just a stupid stupid moment... how else could i possibly get this answer... i just want to know why so i can then move on from it??please help
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2009): A couple of things - BOTH men and women are capable of cheating...in my opinion it is often (not always) alot more complex then being 'bored' or unable to keep it in your pants. Even very decent people have been known to cheat on their partner or spouse...to have made a mistake bigger than they have ever before!
I have been the injured party - I know the pain you are feeling, and I can understand your struggle to cope with it. I felt like my entire world was thrown into chaos and I just didn't know what to do to make sense of it or continue. It is so hard.
When things happen that challenge the very foundations of your world, your core beliefs etc - the first thing you want to do is figure out 'why' - as humans we need to be able to make meaning around an event or situation in order to make sense of it. When something has no reason - what do we do?
Noone can tell you the answer to your question why - your boyfriend is the only one, but even he probably doesn't know at this stage. He will need to get some help (therapy) to explore how things happened and what motivated him - and then perhaps he will be able to explain himself to you...perhaps not though.
I think you are going to have to accept that you may never know why - what you need to do is focus on recovering from this. Are you able to give him a second chance or not? What changes do you need to make? If you stay with him - what do you need him to do to prove he is being faithful and to help you rebuild some trust?
I carried the pain and questions I had on my shoulders for over six months - I told noone. I was so unhappy and confused. I finally saw a psychologist - and started the long process of sorting out my feelings and what I need to do. Telling someone was a HUGE relief, having someone who didn't judge me or my decision to remain in the relationship was really helpful. Having a 'safe' place to talk about my anger, my fear, my pain, my trust issues etc etc etc - has also been really good for me...maybe it would help you too?
It's over a year since I discovered I'd been cheated on - and I have made some real gains. My partner and I are doing very well - most of the time, and are in some ways even closer than we were...sounds weird I know. That's not to say things are all great - I still have days when I am totally distraught about it all - but they are less frequent now. The thing for me is that I have accepted that I cannot go back to how it was, I am a different person now - we are a different couple. I have to look to the future now - rather than grieving about the past.
I have let go of the anger I had at the other woman - I've redirected to the person deserving it - my man - and accepted that 'she' didn;t owe me anything, he did. I have decided I do not want to become bitter - I once saw good in people and the world and I want to do that again - so I make a conscious decision NOT to automatically think the worst when I hear someone is getting engaged or someone is in love etc etc..., I trust my gut more than I did before - and I tell my partner what I need him to do to stop me feeling vulnerable/mistrusting - we talk about stuff even though it can be painful.
I believe he is sorry - and I am taking a risk again - I am trying to learn how to trust him again because I want to be able to. All I can do is hope that he doesn't hurt me again - but it's my choice to give him that second chance...and I do not have to justify that to anyone other then myself. I also realise now that relationships are more complex than I ever ever imagined - and I don;t take mine for granted. I work hard to be a better partner and he is too. So far it is going well for us.
I hate what my partner did - but I still love many things about him. It's OK to feel both love and hate.
I have also discovered how strong I am - and I know I can cope with ALOT. I feel I am more in control of my life now - I don;t stay quiet as much as I used to, I do things my way a lot more, , I know that only I can make my life better - I am not as passive in my relationships as I was, I appreciate the small things alot more than I used to too - I know I am going to be OK no matter what happens.
Talk to someone, see if your boyfriend will do the same - or even see someone as a couple....that's the best advice I could give you.
Take care. x
A
female
reader, kathy255  +, writes (11 February 2009):
I would have to agree with plexi men cheat because they get bored as all my male friends say getting some "strange" They can't keep there member in their pants. Men are idiots they never realize what they have. they can have the most beautiful and adventurous woman in the world yet they still gotta get it somewhere else. It has nothing to do with you they are just idiots.
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A
female
reader, Plexi  +, writes (11 February 2009):
 Men cheat cause they have a smal attention span and need variety otherwise they get bored. they are very visual and need to have sex while looking at someone else sometimes-its stupid i know. if there is no emotional connection with thia woman then its just masturbating with a person, its sick and very disrespecting to her but thats the fact. you need to set your boundaries and show him how much it upsets you, dont just forgive him right away, dissapear out of his life for a while, make him miss you and beg for you to return
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