A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Why did it take my boyfriend 8 months to meet his friends and take me to his apt? I kept telling him he was hiding something. He wasn't. He said he was just ashamed of what his place looked like. Yes, as he has said, my place is a lot nicer but....as I stated I said be thankful you have a place.(Material things do not matter to me) Do they really get that ashamed when the gf makes so much more money? PS I still have not met his kids. I don't understand why.He is a different culture than myself. Please help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2007): Is he just recently divorced with in the past 1-2 years? I ask, because this is common with men, more often that women. Men like to feel 'needed' by their families. Quite often when there is a divorce, the man leaves the home and his role of care giving and looking after a family, is suddenly just gone! It's quite a shock for many of them. As wonderful as you are and as much as you care for this man, what he needs most from you...is your support and understanding. One of the reasons, your plans got canceled is he takes his obligations to his children, seriously and he wants to share and reconnect with his children. It'shighly likely he's feeling badly about the divorce and wants to do 'damage control' from what the split/break up has done to them. They need him in their lives. To you, it may seem like desperation. It's not. It's parent love, pride and a lifetime commitment to one's kids. He is trying hard to gain a solid ground in their life, if there has been estrangement, in the past. They do know of you, but you haven't met them likely because he feels they aren't ready for that. He's being patient and taking his time and you need to do this, too. This is not an uncommon problem. In my opinion, I think for the first year of dating anyone, all divorced folks should separate their minor children, no matter the age, completely from their dating life. When it comes to children/teens, sometimes, it is so much more difficult for children of divorce, to understand big changes, especially being introduced to Dad's new gf. Children think differently than adults and cannot understand spending time with someone, then having them just disappear. So I do believe in the credo that 'later is better than sooner'. It's plain to recognize, that the emotional well-being of his kids do take first priority and maybe, you are taking this way too personally. This is just not all about 'you', hun-so please, do not take it the wrong way. You should not feel left out. Please try not to let your insecurities rule your rationale thought here. Just enjoy the time you do spend with this man, and as your relationship gets better established...he will slowly introduce you into more and more facets of his life. Give this time. He's simply not ready. Be caring but please, keep your own life enriched with other aspects such as spending time with your own family and friends. Get out and do things, on your own without depending on him to be there for you all the time. Your Independence and confidence to make your own way, will likely draw him closer to you, eventually. Don't put all you hopes, dreams and expectations on his shoulders. He has enough to carry. Be patient, be kind and take this day by day. Good luck hun.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have some serious thinking to do. thanks
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female
reader, Midge  +, writes (21 March 2007):
 At the end of the day the most important people in his life will always be his kids. Even if you werent in his life, they will be! Its not easy being part of someones life when they have kids elsewhere.
He probably feels as though he has missed out on a part of their lives, or feels like because of the split he needs to make it up to the kids. Like its his fault.
My boyfriend frequently changes our plans, even after making them weeks ahead because of his kid. I know that he doesnt mean to hurt me, but it doesnt stop him from "favouring" his kid over me. I know he loves me, but his son is the be all and end all of his life. I play second fiddle to him and its something I have to deal with if I want to be with him. I love him enough to stick with him though.
Do you love this guy? Are you prepared to play second fiddle to his kids, who he obviously loves? You need to decide this and its not something that is easy to decide!
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI hear what your saying. The thing is his kids is all he has here. They live like 5 min. away from him and never call or see him. Since he got divorced (3 yrs ago) they just do not want to keep in touch. Of course unless they need money. I figure the ex is part of the cause but why does he always cancell dates to be with them? I know why but I asked him why can't he just pick a reg. day to see them? It's almost like I feel he is desperate for there love. I don't know. I just felt if I am part of his life he would introduce us. They are 16 and they do know of me. He told me once he gets a better relationship w/them will meet. I can understand all of this but... why when they call do our plans always get changed? Like he didn't see me Thanksgiving and Xmas because they called at the last minute. So.....guess who spendt it alone? Yes, me. Thanks.
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reader, Midge +, writes (21 March 2007):
My boyfriend wont allow me to go to his house. The reason being that my house is a lot nicer than his, and he is not comfortable me seeing that. Like you, I dont care about material things, and dont particuarly care if he lived in a box, so long as he has a home.
I only met his parents after us seeing each other for 7 years, and only because his father was in hospital, he was in another country and his mum needed to get to the hospital each day. Not circumstances you want to meet the parents but he wasnt comfortable with me meeting them before because of family conflict, not because he was hiding anything. I only realised this when he came home and as soon as he walked into the hospital his mum started on him.
Let him allow you to meet the family etc in his own time. There is probably a reason for him waiting and its got nothing to do with you, probably some family conflict or the like. Just let him know in a very subtle way, and not directed at the situation that no family is perfect and you accept the situation.
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