A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've been in a relationship for 6 years. For the first 2 years my partner's ex-wife and son lived abroad but have been living in the same county for the last 4. Just before they returned we moved to a different part of the country for better jobs but the downside is my family and friends are now a 3 hour drive away. The ex is very manipulative and destructive as a result of an insecurity driven border-line personality disorder. When my partner ended the marriage he told her there was someone else, which there wasn't (i don't know why he did this). They had been unhappily married for years and separate beds for 2 years. When we got together she assumed the other person was me and my life has been difficult ever since.Their son isn't allowed to come to our home, i've never met him and my partner isn't allowed to see his son by himself (solicitors and social services can't do anything as child is being fed, in school etc and she threatens to take child abroad again if my partner goes to court and he would only be able to see him twice a year for a week and he would have to go there)I'm excluded from all family gatherings as she has to go (she won't let him take their son without her going to), he sees his son 3 times a week, 2 evenings and all day saturday but this means he also sees her. They go out as a family at least twice a week, shopping, visits to Liverpool, Manchester, York, the coast etc. Their son attends a language school on Saturday morning and while they are there she insists they pretend they are still married, she hasn't told any of her friends they are separated etc and he goes along with this or she starts screaming etc infront of their son.My partner was very damamged by the marriage and we had many ups and downs over the first 5 1/2 years. He told lies, took money, used internet sex websites (a habit developed while sleeping in separate rooms from his wife), used abusive language and violence (I had him arrested 18 months ago for pulling me to the floor by my hair-this seemed to make his realise he couldn't carry on the way he was and things have been fine since then)but I'm sure you appreciate I feel that I have given enough.This weekend felt like the final straw to me. He took them to Liverpool for the day and we argued when he got back as I feel after 6 years it is time to move forward and deal with this. Then today he said he was going to see his son for a few hours and we would have dinner together when he got back. 7 hours later he comes back and says they went to the Leeds Carribean festival and wasn't hungry as they ate there. I was furious and when I said I felt this was unfair and selfish he called me a psycho and said I have unresolved psychological issues and there are plenty of women out there who will accept his circumstances and he's had enough of me not allowing him to do what he wants where his son and ex-wife are concerned.I've ended the relationship and feel completely taken for granted. My question is 'why did I put up with this for so long? I'm a professional woman, attractive, intelligent etc so why did I put up with this for so long???????
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2010): Thank you for taking the time to reply to my question. I agree it is time for me to think about me and my life. You're very positive feedback has given me a lift and I feel better. I'm going to see a counsellor for a few sessions to ensure I deal with whatever unresolved issues I have that may be stopping me from putting myself first.
Thank you again
A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (30 August 2010):
 ps
but i have a question for you ... what would you have done had you had a young toddler with this man, who adored her daddy, and didn't notice at all any tension between the two of you? Would you still have left, or would you have stayed, sacrificing your happiness for hers?
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (30 August 2010):
You can be as professional, attractive and intelligent as you like. If you're lonely, depressed, unhappy or anything like that, your vulnerability will shine through and you'll attract guys like this.
Not to put a fine point to it, but perhaps you and the ex have both had the same problem. She may well be tight with her child, but that could well be because he was a bad husband. Or perhaps two seriously warped individuals came together. Also, he can get a solicitor to sort her out if he wanted to. Her abuse and threats could have been recorded. So again, don't be too sure about this ex. Maybe she's being protective of her child.
This man is totally off his tree. So I'm glad you got away from him.
Back to you though. I would strongly suggest that you look carefully at your own life. I don't mean the professional, attractive, intelligent' part either. I meant the 'happy, contented' part. I suspect that though you've got a lot of success elsewhere, your personal life has been a bit lacking. Naturally, this would cause confidence here to be shaky, and then you end up with a guy like this. So really take a look at your personal life and start to slowly rebuild it.
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (30 August 2010):
Precisely because you were a reasonable, decent person, who felt presented with someone who was to some extent a victim, and who you both loved and wanted to help. You were so understanding and accommodating because you felt that was what was due, and also, probably somewhere deep down, because you wanted to keep him and felt such compromise was the only way you could.
You put up with it for so long because even one particularly bad incident (like the hair pulling) never seems quite worth throwing it all in for, but the cumulative effect of this total lack of respect, over time, has the effect of turning you into a volcano that, at some point, will blow. As you have.
Don't feel bad - feel damn proud of yourself for getting out of it, and happy about your future - you will so appreciate someone who even half cares about you now! And don't regret what you have allowed - it was testimony to what a nice/intelligent/decent person you are. And now you will take that great person that you are and find someone worth sharing it all with. Don't look back - look forwards! And well done : )
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