A
male
age
51-59,
*onym
writes: I went out with a girl for two years, one i worked with. I found out by chance she had been seeing someone else at work, I walked it hurt, remained as best i could with dignity. This was two years ago. I always found it difficult to interact with her after that, though i tred to remain friendlyish at a distance. I never judge her or reflected badly on her, I knew who hte other guy was though i never said anything to him, but he was known as a player, he was asking women out left right and centre. I tried to move on mnetally, initially it was like she never knew me, i suspect because he was on the scene. She did some confusing things to me often i found hurtful and attention grabbing, but all unnecessary in my view. A year later it appears it went all wrong between them but he was never out in the open about them being together but i knew other people knew.When it went wrong she tried to pull me into the drama by sort of suggesting i had stirred things, i hadnt i kept well away. I told her just leave me alone.Following this i simply said listen we have to work in the same place, lets smile and be civil.I started working with a new attractive girl who has since become a very close friend. Following this my ex started to try and get my attention just simply appearing where i was in work, at first i thought is it me? I told my new friend and she watched and said its not you. I still had feelings for my ex, but i buried them and whatever she did, i remained neutral in my stance, saying hi and walking on, becuase i had no idea what she wanted from me. I found it difficult to become her friend (even though its the grown up thing) because i was in all honesty scared of geting doing or saying the wrong thing. I found her odd if i'd wish her happy birthday she'd ignore it, but the next day would ty and get my attention, her actions weren't consistent with her not wanting me... Confused yes i was.Anyway August last year i got the opportunity for promotion to work for the same company at the same location or different location several miles away. I chose to leave. I thought it best, it couldnt go on like this.Pror to leaving, I emailed her (as pinning her down to speak was hard). I simply said the past is the past, I dont regret any of it, but i regret we couldnt find our friendship again. If i was sixteen i say i love you, im 42 and know i do, but life has a lot to answer for. I wish you love and happiness always. Please don't respond or wish me well. God bless XI later saw her in her corridor, and she just stood and stared at me, i turned and walked away.That was four months ago and i haven't seen spoke to her text emailed or anything. Though she has semi befriended the new girl i worked with.I avoided going back to my old office, however i couldnt avoid going back until last week.I walked up the stair case i was going to her office, i wasnt sure if she would be in or not. I was with another girl (who turns out to be a friend of hers i didnt know at this time).I bump into my ex, i expected perhaps her to be surprised, as i would have been, she saw me and i have never experienced anything like, she completely froze to the spot unable to speak for what seemed like ages just staring at me, it was a pure wave of emotion, i can only describe it as like day one. Words can not explain it enough. I have come across exs before i havent seen for a while, and i'd be surprised yeah but not to go into a complete state of frozen shock. It was not indifferent.We went in her office, i left to go to the toilet, this was so she could compose herself. She made us a coffee and we talked mainly about work. Various bits of her body language were playing with her hair exposing her neck etc. Again i remained neutral and polite, though her first reaction nearly knocked me off my feet.Why did i cause such a state of shock and panic i have never caused her a problem or have I... can anyone suggest ???
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female
reader, Brooklyngirl  +, writes (17 January 2010):
 Guilt and fear, maybe even remorse are what came to mind when I read your post.
It's difficult knowing how to act when running into an ex.
It sounds to me that you may still have feelings for her.
It's up to you how you deal with that.
If feelings did infact stir for you...follow up your visit with a friendly email.
If there were no feelings other than shock at her reaction, then blow it off and move on!
I know for me, there is a certain person who touched my life in a big way, however briefly, and if I ever came face to face with him, I would freeze also! Not out of guilt, but just not knowing how to act!
Whatever you decide to do about the situation, I wish you luck!
~BG~
A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (17 January 2010):
 Your ex-girlfriend is constantly confused about her emotional attachment to you, which is the number 1 thing.
The second issue in her head, is jealousy. She let you go for another man, but when she saw you get friendly with someone new; that caused her to feel jealous.
Her jealousy was rooted in the fact that you hadn't even waited long enough to "let the body get cold" (as if she did? After all she dated someone behind your back). And she was surprised you were not as dependent upon her as she thought.
Then when she broke up with the player, or he left her for another, she was lonely and knew she blew it with you.
You were kind to her, didn't judge her, and quietly moved on, which also hurt her (though she'd hurt you).
Then whenever you did something nice for her, but generally neutral, she felt bad and froze, had to think about it, and then sort of half-heartedly returned the compliment.
Finally, since you were moved on with yet another someone new, when you returned (a friend whom she was not sure of), she froze totally.
Why did she freeze up and get nervous this last time? Very easy.
Her image of you was much purer than you thought. That is, you'd always be hers and dependent upon her.
When she learned you weren't, she wanted you back but was too afraid to say so, and so was stuck in a limbo.
When you returned with someone else at your side, she was stunned again, that you weren't hers and not dependent upon her.
And the body language and nervousness is all her guilt for hurting you and making you go away.
And so in order to make the guilt go away, she twirled nervously, made coffee and remained completely unnerved till you left, because she was trying to avoid the consequences of hurting you.
And when you left, those consequences never materialized.
What were the consequences she feared that didn't materialize?
Easy. You didn't blow up on her. You never confronted her about her playing behind your back. And she feared you would've judged her, which you apparently did not.
Therefore, she hurt herself when she started seeing other people behind your back and you found out.
And now, she's seeing you as the one that got away.
Personally, if I were you, I'd not get back with someone like that. She's obviously easily distracted away from the people who care about her. She, too, is a player now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2010): Here's my 2 cent (based only on everything you say):
She reflected on what she had lost after you sent her that last email, and she realized that it was a big mistake. I think she loves you, but she didn't realize that until then, or she didn't start feeling that way until then. Also, she probably has a lot of respect for you because you behaved in such a grown up way, so she may be afraid to initiate any conversation about the past or about her feelings for you. And you were not afraid to admit how you felt, which may have triggered feelings that were buried by giving her a glimmer of hope.
I don't know....maybe I'm filling in the blanks too much....but maybe not. All the best!
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