A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello there, I'd like some advice on how to stop feeling like a complete fool and move on after breaking up with my bf of 9 yrs. I'm sorry if this is a bit long, bit here goes...I met him 9 years ago at Uni, fell in love hard and fast, and 2 years later, we moved in together and were happy as could be.3 years in and things started to go wrong. I became very depressed - I did not have insight into this at the time, but in hindsight, that's what it was. I felt cut off from my feelings, cried a lot, and stopped having the confidence to go out with my bf and his friends as I felt people wouldn't like me, that I had nothing to say, etc. I must have been hard to live with, and although I tried to show my bf I loved him, I know it was tough for him when I didn't go to work social events with him very often.7 years in and we moved towns, I changed jobs, and it was like a cloud lifting - all of a sudden, I felt back to my normal self, I could feel again, I wanted to go out and socialise again, and was very happy being with my bf. He could see I was happier, and at first, was happy too. However, he then came under pressure at work himself, and had to work long hours at home after a day at work. I tried to support him - listened to his worries, tried to do practical things to help, made his meals, washed his clothes, reassured him he was doing a great job, but I also asked him once a week to spend some time with me - I would ask him to come for a walk (like, for 15 mins) or to come out with me and my new friends, or for us to go out with his friends, but he'd always say he was too busy.So 8 years in, things had got pretty bad. He was pretty distant, said he never had time to do things with me, and didn't like the fact that I was happy whilst he was under pressure at work. He also stopped sleeping in our bed, started being ultra protective of his mobile phone and lap top. He went away on a trip with work, came back, and told me he wanted out, needed time to think. I found out a few weeks later that he was actually messing around with a girl from work... nothing physical actually happened, and she has since left.So, we split up. But he rang me every couple of days, visited me every couple of weeks, and 6 months on said he couldn't go on without me in his life, that he missed me, wanted us to have a family, etc. I was sooo happy. Cautiously, we started seeing each other again in a casual way and things were great. I felt we'd learnt from our mistakes, were treating each other in a much better way, and that our relationship was stronger than ever.Until 4 weeks ago, when I discovered (whilst doing his washing) that he had a secret cell phone, on which were hundreds of explicit texts to random girls from adult text/date sites. I felt so sick. Everything (including sex) was better than ever between us, yet he was doing it again! So I confronted him, and he broke down in tears, saying he didn't know why he did it, he was sorry, didn't want me to leave him, that he was just bored/lonely/under stress at work, etc. He was so sorry he went as far as to smash his phone with a hammer.He seemed really low for a couple of weeks, and I tried to reassure him that he wasn't a bad person, that we could work through it and I could try to rebuild my trust.Then, a week later, he announces that he needs time and space again to think about what he wants from life (e.g., job/where he lives/whether he wants a family some day/whether he wants to stay with me or not). So yet again, he wants us to split up, but says he's not sure, wants to think about it, wants to see me/hold hands with me/kiss me etc with "no expectations" - i.e., no expectations that he'll call me each week or that he will want to see me at weekends, he says.We already had a holiday booked for this week, so agreed to go and gf and bf. It was going great, until yet again I discovered a secret phone, with hundreds of texts to random women. I felt so sick and sad when I saw it that, I'm ashamed to say, I threw it down in disgust and it broke. He was so cross with me for breaking his phone (though the Sim card is in tact) that we cancelled our trip and came home in silence. He says he wants a gf for all the good stuff with "none of the grief", and doesn't want me to feel the need to check his mobile phone for texts. He says he still needs time to think. But I'm sure I my stupid actions (breaking his phone) have tarnished his opinion of me at such a crucial time, there's no way he'd want me back.That's how we left things. I feel such a fool, a) for breaking his phone, b) for letting myself believe him when we go back together, for loving him again, for trusting him again and c) for still wanting him back.I'm stuck in limbo, waiting to see if he will speak to me again or forgive me for breaking his phone, and waiting for him to decide whether he wants me or not. I want to ring him but know I shouldn't, so am trying to distract myself, but cannot think of anything else. I can't eat, I can't sleep and I'm so scared of losing him because I love him so much.Why did I act like such a fool? Do you think I have lost him for good? If so, how could I ever get over him? And how could I trust anyone again?Sorry this is so long, I appreciate your advice very much. x
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at work, confidence, depressed, fell in love, move on, moved in, split up, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2009): (original poster)
Thanks so much for your responses so far - I know my story is a bit long. I just love him so much, we have nearly 9 years of history together, and the thought of him with someone else makes me feel sick, especially when he made me feel he wanted us to have a family one day. I was always faithful to him, and tried to be the best person I could, and it hurts so much that he's rejecting the best of me, and giving the best of himself to others. It sucks so much:(
A
female
reader, Renee okc  +, writes (30 July 2009):
why would you want him back it sounds like you have enough baggage of your own with the added stress honey get a grip and read in between the lines it is time to let this go and get yourself a fresh new and exciting relationship because I feel he will keep doing the same thing to over and over again and you aren't getting any younger. The bottom line is you can't keep starting your life over and over again eventually you will have to settle for the life you have do you really want to settle with this you can do better trust me
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A
female
reader, solovley  +, writes (30 July 2009):
He's a cheater forget about him, you sound caring and smart and a lovely person dont be upset at what you did to his phone that was a totally ligit response I would do the same if not worse and so would any of my friends, no one would bat an eyelid at that, your boyfriend on the other hand should feel ashamed of himself, I get that he gets down, but so do you and you dont go around texting other men. Forget about him and move on xx
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A
female
reader, hockeyluvr5 +, writes (29 July 2009):
 What I would do is just stop talking to him and thinking about him if possible.
There's so many other men out there just dying to get their hands on a woman.
And you will see that many are better than your last boyfriend.
He's a cheater and doesnt deserve a lady like you if you were being 100% faithful.
You obviously deserve better than that and shouldnt feel like any of it is your fault.
He's the one that messed it up and you had every right in the world to break his phone out of anger; I probably would've done the same thing!
I've been cheated on many times before and it hurts but I eventually got over it after a few weeks.
You can do better than him, just go out more if you can and meet some new people!
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