A
female
age
36-40,
*upcake
writes:This has been bothering me for quite some time and I need some help with what to do.Back at the end of July I found out my boyfriend was talking to his ex over his cell phone, and basically hiding this from me. He ended talking to her on his own before I found out about the calls, and told her they couldnt speak anymore as she wanted to get back together with him and he wasnt willing to do so. This wouldnt have been such an issue for me, IF... at the very beginning of our relationship a year and 2 months ago he was talking to her and I asked him to stop TWICE... he did, but then she called him in March which is when he began speaking with her again about once a week for 3-4 months. This girl has caused nothing but problems in our relationship, hacking into his email sending me things that were suposidly from him, even when he was right beside me while i got the messages... and trying to tell me he was sleeping with her, which i know he wasnt. This girl had even moved to our town a STREET beside ours, so then we moved, and she tryed to get a job at his work. When I found out about the calls, I was devestated, as he knew this was the one person in the world I would be hurt if he spoke to.. So why would he do it?He claims he felt bad as she told him she wanted to be civil with him and he ended it when she wanted more. He was beyond upset when i almost left him, he cried and told me it would never happened again and that he already ended their conversations on his own.. He even cancelled his cell phone, came to my cell phone company and went on a couples plan so that I was in control of the account and ALSo got detailed billing so I could see the calls he makes to prove to me he wont ever talk to her again. He didnt have detailed billing before, I only found out they were speaking because I called his cell phone company. Since all of this we have bought a house together and he asked me to marry him and I said yes... We are engaged now and have had no problems at all with her, so far she seems to have gone away. What I want to know is HOW he could talk to her knowing it would hurt me.. and why he would do that????Its been 7 months now since I found out all this... and I trust him never to do it again, but this keeps poping in my head and I keep wondering if he cheated even though its something I cant see him doing. Once a thought has been put in my head im horrible for not letting it go. for some reason I cant seem to get over this... I know this man loves me and we have come along way since with our house and engagement, but I'm afraid to be hurt again, I want so badly to know that he never cheated... what do I do????? Please help
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2008): You will probably never get the answer that you are looking for but I say follow your gut instinct. I don’t know you or him but the way it sounds it seems that something may have happened. He may not have slept with her but he may have got emotionally involved. If he didn’t then why all the secrets. Why would they talk secretly once a week and then suddenly break all contact just because she wanted to get back with him?
I have been in a similar situation but as the ex girlfriend. I didn’t like the girlfriend that my ex was seeing as she was partly responsible for our break-up. He cheated on me with her whilst I was pregnant with his third child. We had a rocky relationship but were together for 9 years. When we broke up I was not ready to let him go my world changed with a click of a finger and I found it hard to except that he was still with her.
During our early days of the break-up we still occasionally slept together and he was trying to decide whether to try and make it work with me or continue with her. After about 6 months she was paranoid that he still had feelings for me and found out we had slept together.
Fast forward 2 months later. He told her that it was all a lie and I was just trying to break them up. We both know the truth but I haven’t confirmed it to her as being the truth or not. Why waste my breath. The girlfriends are always blinded by it and never believe the truth even when it is staring them blank in the face. I stay well clear of the both of them now as I have finally moved on and know that she will one day realise what a cheating bastard he really is.
That’s my story but my advice would be to have an open mind but the fact of the matter however is that he chose you over her so you need to try and move beyond this and trust him to make your relationship work. Relationships do not work without trust.
How long were they apart before you both got together?
A
female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (22 February 2008):
 Hi Cupcake.
I can relate to this, and its a big bug bear for me, because similar happened to me. I dont know why they have to lie, and keep things from you where exes are concerned. His ex too caused a lot of problems, we had txt a couple of times in the night, when we went away and stuff.
We split up last july and whatya know, he ended up back in her bed within a couple of weeks. Something i always knew he would do, yet he swore he wouldnt.
Usually if your instincts tell you there is a connection with an ex, they tend to be right. Well, in my case they were. I dont doubt my ex DIDNT slept with his ex whilst with me. I accept he didnt. I knew something was going on behind my back, but i certainly didnt get the vibes that it was as far as sex. But there was a fine line there, and it would probably only have been a matter of time before it did. Needless to say, he didnt get back with her even after sleeping with her a couple of times, and realised she was still the same problematic person she was when he left her. But i have made a golden rule now, i wont date anyone thats just come out a relationship, and unless there are kids involved (there wasnt for him) then frequent contact with exes is a no no. If people remain friends, thats fine, now n then to see how each other is. Thats what its like for me and one of my exes from 4 yrs ago. And anyone would know thats innocent, my recent ex even had his number and was going to give him some work to do. If theres nothing to hide, everything can be upfront and honest. But i wont have it if they are keeping it from you. To me that spells 'a connection' still. And one they are hiding.
Just be on your guard mate.
C xxxxx
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